Closing

so we got a terrible computer virus the other week, and it has taken a long time to get completely removed.  It required reformatting our entire computer.

And now, we have crazy anti-virus and tracking software on our computer.   What this means is that it is now completely impossible to keep Sweets from finding this blog.  

And thus, I must stop writing.   I just don't want to risk it.   I promise, promise, promise that I will continue to read, and I will comment, but will be posting so no more.

So thank you ladies.  Thank you for your support, and kind words, and for understanding when I most needed it.

I heard a great comment the other day.

"There is no such thing as common sense.  There is good sense, but it is not common."  

Thought it was fitting.

A more well-rounded person

I am always amazed at how going through IF, and getting my legs swept from underneath me in such a way, has made me a more "vocal" person to others going through terrible situations.   I was always one of those people that, while compassionate, I never knew what to say.   Or I'd say the REALLY WRONG thing.  

Of course, I didn't realize how wrong those things were until I battled IF.

A friend that I've drifted apart from (after moving away from our last city) got some terrible news a couple of days ago.    We'll call him James.   His partner and he lived long distance from one another, and James hadn't heard from him for a couple of days.   So, he sent a friend  to check on him  and he was found dead in his apartment.  Now James is headed half way across the country to plan the funeral and bury his partner, completely unexpectedly.   It's awful, and I can't imagine going through it.

Previously, I'm sure that I would have sent a card, or flowers, and waited to hear more from James whenever he wanted to talk.    But that's not what people want when something like this happens, is it?   They don't want to call people, to have to make the effort.   I called and left James a message on his phone, just telling him that I was sorry and I was thinking of him. 

It's so simple that it should be common sense, so why isn't it?    


Baby update:

G is 5 weeks old now, and things are going really well.  She has started to smile, and has learned that when she fusses, she gets attention.   For the past two days, I have been trying to get her to sleep in her crib (and out of her bassinet) but it's not going so hot.   She sleeps for 3 minutes and then jolts awake.  There is something about the crib that just isn't comfortable.   Today, I'm waiting her out.   I will make it happen.

Picture of "G"

So normally I try to exclude any sort of identifying information on my blog because of the sensitive nature to why it was started.   Because so much of it includes Sweets, but he is not aware of the blog (to my knowledge anyway), I have tried to keep everything as anonymous as possible.   So, I'll call the new little one "G", and here's a picture...   Though I may remove this post in a few days after everyone has had a chance to view it :)

Birth Story!

My apologies!   I wrote this a week and a half ago, and hit Save instead of Publish!    Erg!

So, the birth was basically 99% easy, and 1% sheer terror.

We went in to be induced because of late gestation (41 and a half weeks) on Sept 26th at 7:30. They called us in about 6:45, but by the time we got to the hospital it was apparent that every single pregnant woman in our city had gone into labor during the 45 minutes it took us to get in the car and get to the hospital. So, they sent us away to get a good breakfast and we went back around noon, when they hooked me up to all of the IVs, pitocin, etc.

Sweets and I played travel Scrabble (possibly the coolest game ever, I highly recommend it) until I was unable, and then I got an epidural, and we watched Avatar for a few hours. Epidurals are the most wonderful invention ever. EVER. I do not understand why a person would not want to get one, cause that's just crazy.

The baby had been GREAT and after two pushes the nurse called in the doctor because she was so close to being born. But, as the doctor walked in, her heart rate crashed, and then they actually couldn't even find it. As it turned out, she had the cord wrapped around her neck, and it didn't tighten until I started to push (but usually they can tell by the fetal monitor well in advance of pushing). SO, that called for a vacuum, and an episiotomy and her being born in a total of 15 minutes and 4 more pushes. I've never seen Sweets scared like that, and I was actually trying to calm him down.
She came out looking perfect (no cone head) because she was born so quickly, and none of that bruised look that some newborns have.   And, the speed of it saved me some swelling and I have recovered pretty well.
 
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3 week update:
 
We continue to do well, and both Sweets and I feel extremely blessed.   Neither of us is taking any of it for granted, which is certainly a positive from experiencing IF.  

Due date tomorrow. Terrible news about a friend.

First, a quick update:
At my doctors appt on Wednesday I was dilated to 1.5 cm and 50% effaced.   This could mean that we may have an ontime departure tomorrow, or could mean that we'll be waiting another week for Baby Girl to make her appearance.  

I'm feeling fine, been walking in the mornings to try to speed things along.   I woke up on Wednesday to huge purple marks on my sides, and needed Sweets to tell me that they were stretch marks.  Hahahahaha.  I couldn't believe that he had to tell me what they were, AND that they happened to appear so LATE in the game!   I almost made it scott-free.  

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On more somber news, we got some REALLY bad news about a couple that we know.   Apparently their baby (pregnant at 30 weeks or so) has a tumor.   They aren't telling people about it.   He told Sweets, and then they got interrupted, so he hasn't had a chance to follow up with them.    It's pretty much bad news all around.   The baby could die at any second and really without warning.   If the baby does make it to delivery, it will have to go through surgery, and live its life without (some) major organs.

It makes me cry every time I think about it.  And I'm not a crier, except that this is so upsetting and I'm hormonal, and that's a recipe for crying.    I can't even imagine the type of stress and worry that would overshadow anything happy about a pregnancy like this.  We worried so much that something would be wrong with our baby, and were relieved that the ultrasound was free of any large abnormalities.  

And being pregnant, or soon to have a new baby, I'm nearly sure that the last thing they are going to want is to be around us.   At least, I know that's the last thing that I would want in their situations.   When dealing with IF, the last thing I wanted to do was to be around happy pregnant women.  So I'm left trying to figure out what to do.  Besides pray for them.

So, if you are a praying sort of person, I would ask that you throw a few up there for this couple.  I'd appreciate it very much.

36 weeks

My computer time has been hugely limited for the past month and a half due to VERY uncomfortable chairs in my house.   I don't have a single one that allows me to sit at the desk and type.   I realized today after my doctors appointment that it has been an insane amount of time since I posted, and that it makes me a terrible person.   I need to get a lap top, but it just isn't in the finances.

Things are still going well.   Baby Girl still doesn't have a name, and I don't think that she will until she actually makes it here.   Sweets is just too indecisive, won't pick names he actually likes, and doesn't like what I suggest.   So I'm just waiting it out for now.    All along, I have loved one specific name, which he has mocked and ridiculed until I no longer care for it.   The other day, he said that he'd be OK with it, because he'd rather I love the name, than pick something we were both ambivalent over.   I wanted to scream at him.   As it was, I just mentioned that I didn't like the name any more because of the way he'd been about it, so we'd have to find something else.   It's so frustrating.

But seriously, if this is the only thing we have to worry about, then things are good.

I feel pretty good.  I move slow, and things hurt, and I'm REALLY ready to be able to move like I used to, but I really have nothing to complain about.    Baby Girl is measuring 2 weeks ahead of schedule at 38 weeks (by gross uterine measurement) and the doctor said that we'll be having an 8.5-10 pound baby if she makes it to 40 weeks.   If longer, then we'll do measurements to make sure that she'll fit.   Im pretty tall, so 8.5-9 pounds sounds ok to me, but 10 sounds excessive, and I would seriously consider C-section at that point.

I have gained 30 pounds, and have not gained anything in the past 4 weeks.   I'm hoping to stay right at 30, because  I was about 10 pounds heavier than normal at conception.   It's much easier now because I can't eat the volumes that I was just 2 months ago, everything is so scrunched in there.

I am going to spend the next hour catching up on all your blogs!   I was reading religiously until about a month ago, so I have a lot of reading to do!   

made it through

So I made it through the vacation with my family.   It was tense, and I had to listen to a bunch of passive aggressive talk from my mother and sister (expected), but I got an unexpected ally in my SIL.   She was SUPER pissed at how my sister and mom treated me, and I pretty much had to tell her and my brother what happened because of all of it.  (I had somewhat decided not to say anything to anyone, cause I didn't want it coming from me)

Though there were a few highlights.

1.  My father must have felt awful about how he treated me because he spent the whole week sucking up.   I really would have liked it if he would have been straightforward, but I don't know if that will ever happen, so I'll take it how I can get it.
2.  He told off my mother one night because she was trying to control how the rest of us cleaned the kitchen (it was priceless and she spent the rest of the night in her room)
3.  My brother had to put mom in her place because she was trying to control what people were keeping for food in the "second" condo we rented...   This also happened to be the condo that both pregnant women were in... she didn't want us having food over there at all!   Like that works with two pregnant women!    She ended up apologizing to brother the next day.
4.   After my brother yelled at my mom,  Dad pulled my brother aside and told him that "he didn't know what was going on with mom, but he'd appreciate some help in handling her."

After an entire week with them, my mom grabbed me as we were leaving for the airport and said two sentences about the two of us:

"I don't want to get into anything because your leaving for the airport, but I get it.   I get it."

So, not an apology, but a step in the right direction?

I've been praying a lot that my heart will soften again to the two of them, but it's hard.   I wonder if we'll ever make it back to how we were 3-5 years ago.  

Thanks

Thanks to all of you!   It really helps to get other perspectives when stuck in a situation like this.

I think you're right, and that not attending the vacation (while very appealing) isn't really an option because it would be the nail in the coffin of my relationship with my parents.   On the other hand, I have assessed the cost of leaving the vacation early, and it seems like it would only be a few hundred dollars.   We don't really have any extra money laying around, but we could swing that if we had to.   Really, can you put a price on your sanity?

I also think that you're right in that I should just ignore everything.   I really don't want to talk about it, I don't think anything is going to be resolved, because my father will simply back up my mother regardless of how ridiculous she is.  In turn, she's not going to admit that she had anything to do about the matter.   Therefore, I lose regardless.

It's funny/ironic, because in all of the conversations that I had with my siblings, they counseled me to talk with her and deal with it.   My response to them has always been that "this ends badly for me, I can see to the end of it, and I KNOW how it's going to turn out."     Ick.

More Mama Drama

I will try my hardest to make this story somewhat cohesive, but I warn all readers now that I'm still very upset, and this could result in quite a lot of rambling.   I also apologize for the HUGE size of this post.

A little bit of backstory:

I have previously documented the problems that I've had with my mother and her gossiping.   It was the reason that we didn't tell anyone in the family about our infertility struggles, and it has succeeded in really poisoning our relationship.  The disintegration of our relationship is largely my fault.   My inability to deal with her gossiping has resulted in me pulling away from her and having an EXTREMELY short fuse when it comes to just about anything she does.   I tend to speak to her condescendingly and disrespectfully, and I have really been trying to work on it.

Over Memorial Day weekend, we had a chance to talk about things.   I explained where I was coming from, and generally mentioned that there are things in my life that I couldn't/wouldn't talk about, but that I was sorry for how I'd been treating her, and I would work on it.   She acknowledged that she needed to stop talking about people, and said she'd work on it.

Separately, I can now tell all of you that my brother and SIL are pregnant.   She's 36, and can you guess how long it took them to get pregnant?   You guessed it, FIRST TRY.   Of course.   Anyway, they were super worried about genetic testing because of her family history, and so asked us not to tell anyone, so I've kept it quiet, even here in blog-land.

During Memorial day weekend, I decided to extend and olive branch to my mother, and share with her our list of names we are considering for our baby.   After hearing the list (of about 10), she told us that one of the names was my SIL's name that she's picked for a girl.   She told us what it was, and I took it off the list, because I don't want to get into ANYTHING ABOUT IT.   We had a similar problem when both my sisters were pregnant at the same time, and it nearly tore them apart.

We found out that SIL is having a boy, (ours is a girl).

So, I called my dad on father's day to make sure he got the present, and chat with him.   Mom made sure to steal the phone away from him to chat with me (which kind of drives me crazy cause I don't really like talking on the phone, which is why I called HIS CELL PHONE).    We talked for awhile,  and then she tells me that she talked to my SIL.   That one of her friends used her name, so now she wasn't sure she wanted to use it.   She told me that she told SIL that "Nixy and Sweets have a list of names, and yours was on it, so I told them, and they took it off, so if you aren't going to use it..."

At which point I interrupted her, exclaiming.  "Why are you getting INVOLVED IN THIS?!"  

And she freaked.   Freaked.  Completely decompensated.   She flipped from yelling, to crying, to telling me that I didn't even let her finish.  She personally attacked me, and in response I got more calm, and condescending and had to repeatedly threaten to hang up the phone if she didn't calm down.    This only made things worse.

I told her that it didn't MATTER about the story, it mattered that we only talked about this WEEKS ago, and she was already talking about things I'd told her that she shouldn't be talking about.    She didn't want to hear it.    Told me that I was only going to the bottom line, and that after pressing SIL about the name, SIL said that she still liked the name and would probably use it if they have a girl next.   The truth came out that she really WANTED us to use the name, because it was her grandmothers.   This to me just showed that she was doing this for her own personal reasons.   She said that she considered not saying anything, but in the end did anyway. 

To Mom, the ends justify the means.    To me, it does not.   Especially after what we just talked about a few weeks ago and her promise to stop repeating the things I tell her.

And so it continued.   Around and around.

Until my father took the phone from her and said (I paraphrase except for the first sentence):

THIS IS YOUR FATHER.   I have been listening to you talk to your mother and it is unacceptable.  Your mother deserves kindness and understanding.    Over the past couple of years, I have been watching how you treat her, and haven't said anything.   I've been waiting for a time when we could get over it, but you have irreparably damaged our relationship and I don't know if we'll be able to get over it.   You have ruined my Father's Day.

I acknowledged that I don't speak to her respectfully, I also asked him how long he'd been listening to the conversation, and he admitted that it hadn't been that long.    I told him she'd been personally attacking me, and  I told him that what little respect I could muster was shown in the fact that I did not hang up on her despite the abuse that she had been throwing, and that my tone of voice was DIRECTLY related to that abuse.   That I had refrained from using personal attacks, and at this point, that was all that could be expected of me.    I apologized for ruining his Fathers day and asked to speak to my mother again.     He repeated that I should be treating my mother with kindness and respect (I refrained from telling him that I did as well, and that gossiping about people was disrespectful).

She was much calmer, and we somewhat resolved things.   I apologized for speaking to her in a disrespectful manner, but she REFUSED to admit she had done anything wrong.   Which, in the long run is fine, because I can just stop telling her anything to prevent that.

What I have a SERIOUS problem with is my father thinking that after YEARS of this going on, that he feels he has the right to step in to the middle of a fight and "lay down the law" and "put me in my place."   My father is the most non-communicative person on the planet.   He stays out of everything, and always has.   I have no idea if he's got the whole story, or even cares to.

We are supposed to be going on vacation with the whole family (except for my oldest sister, who my mother also has problems with and didn't invite) this Saturday for a week.  Of course my mom will have called the rest of the family and cried and blubbered and tried to get them on her side.    The only person who will not fall for this is my brother.

I don't know what to do.    My father is never involved in ANYTHING with my life.    He's like a silent partner in everything interpersonally related.   Therefore, I tread into uncharted waters.   I don't feel like talking to him.   I feel like cutting him out of my life.   I don't feel that he had the right to overtake a situation and then say such strong things that can't be taken back, and that will probably change our relationship forever.

He had no interest in hearing my side of anything, which is fine, except that he then chose to get involved.   

Sweets listened to quite a lot of the conversation and (kind of) surprisingly came out on my side of everything.    We have a relationship where we pretty much tell the other person if they are wrong, and he felt that while I was condescending and not respectful, that the situation definitely warranted it.   And that my father was out of line.   It makes me feel better that someone else thinks I'm being somewhat rational about the situation.

I could use any advice people might have.   I know I'm going to have to deal with this in a few short days and I'm really dreading it.  Ugh.  

wrapping things up

I am on the 2 week home stretch for my job.   I really can't wait to be done, but it's also going to mean that I no longer have a personal computer.  

We had originally thought that I would buy myself a laptop when I left work, but I just don't see it as a financial possibility.    We're going to end up dropping so much money on baby type gear that I think a computer will be at the bottom of the list for awhile.

This will probably mean that my posting (as terrible has it has been lately) and my commenting will get even worse.   I apologize for that, but will try to make a concerted effort to keep up with everyone's blogs and comment as much as possible!   I'll also try to post a few times before I have to give my computer back.

The big talk

So, Sweets and I traveled to my parents' house this weekend.   I got a chance to briefly talk to my mom about everything, and we took a baby step to getting things figured out.

To make a long story short, she recognizes that her mouth gets her in trouble, and she's going to work on it.     It wasn't an earth shattering conversation, but we got a chance to talk about it, and hopefully it'll help both of us get over our issues.

I know this sounds vague, but now that I look back on the conversation, I realize that the conversation in itself was pretty vague.   I got a chance to tell her that there have been things going on in my life that I didn't feel that I could share.    That I was worried that it would get out, and that it made me angry I couldn't talk with her about it.    That I let that anger taint my relationship with her, and that I was sorry for letting that happen.  

I think that she took it well.   She was defensive (of course, seriously who wouldn't be?) but I was able to not respond in kind, and keep it a conversation and not a fight.  

So it went alright.  And I breathe a sigh of relief.

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Warning, baby talk below, so please click away if you are in a sensitive place right now...




24 weeks, we made it to "viability."   I still cringe a little thinking in terms of that, but it's been a mark that we've had in our heads all along, and now we're finally in total baby-planning mode.

The nursery is coming along pretty well, but I don't want to post pics until it's done.   We pulled out all my sister's saved baby clothes, and I'm sorting them to wash and fold.  They are all so little!   And EVERYTHING she bought was pink.  It's kinda hilarious.   I like pink, but holy cow, I would dress my kid in something else (except all of this was free, and so she'll be wearing it).

I feel great, finally.   I can finish a whole work out without completely collapsing.   I almost don't feel pregnant, except that my baby is a first-class prize fighter.   I'm convinced she's hyperactive.   She kicks me all the time, and you can actually see my belly jump she kicks/moves so hard.   I'm wondering if that will calm down when she gets a little bit more squished in?  I don't know, I guess we'll see.

I have gained a crap load of weight.   I'm up 16 pounds, and have 16 more weeks to go.  If I continue putting on weight at the rate I've been going, I'll gain a total of about 40 pounds.  eeeek!   I REALLY wanted to stay under 30, so I'm hoping that the gain slows a little bit.    I haven't really been eating like crazy, and have been eating mostly healthy food, but I could definitely do better.   My doctor told me that the biggest weight jump would be these weeks, so I'm really hoping that the gain will slow.  

I do my glucose tolerance next week at my 25 week appointment, so hopefully that goes well.

I only have 4 more weeks of work, and I AM SO RELIEVED.   It's been a rough couple of years on the professional front and I'm REALLY ready for a break.    it's going to be awesome.

Ok, that's it for now.  Will update with nursery pics next!

Finally, a belly pic

This is me at 20 weeks.   I don't have anything from the past two weeks, I'm just a little bigger.   I spent the weekend painting the nursery and will post pictures when I finally get all the furniture in and in place.

A more comprehensive update

Sorry for the short update this weekend, but I wanted to post, and Sweets was around all weekend.  Usually, he works at least one weekend day, and I have some time to myself, but that was not the case.

So, as I said before, it's a girl!   I found out that Sweets REALLY doesn't want the room for her painted pink (not too shocking, but I was a little surprised that he cared).   So, we're going to do one accent wall in a light green, and I'll decorate with pink things.   I must say, I LURVE pink.  

This weekend was the "dreaded Mother's day" for everyone battling IF.  I thought of all my IF buddies frequently through out the day, and did a lot of reflection on where I have been the past few years.   I half-jokingly asked Sweets where my mothers day gift was, and was surprised when he responded that he's bought me a mother's day card for the past few years, and hasn't been able to give them to me, and now that I AM pregnant, he doesn't want to jinx it.    It kind of made me sad.  

We're at 21.5 weeks now, so just another month until we hit "viability."   It's never ceases to amaze me how IF stays with a person.   We're both getting excited now that the ultrasound showed she's healthy, but it's still reserved and punctuated with these moments of doubt and foreboding.   It's really unfair that even when we GET what we've hoped, prayed, and begged for, that we still feel so damn helpless about it all.   ick.

We cleared out the office to make it the nursery, and I'll post pictures when we get it set up (or at least mostly set up).

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My replacement for my job started last week, and I only have 7 more weeks of work!   I'm so excited, and a little scared to stop working with 10-12 weeks left to sit around and do nothing, but it wasn't exactly up to me (stupid boss isn't being so nice these days).   So I'm definitely just trying to look at all the great things I'm going to be able to do with my time.   Sew!   Read!   Sleep!  Clean!  Garden!


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Things with my mother are getting more crazy, and I'm going to have to talk with her.   I want to do it in person because it's going to be a long involved conversation, but we live 3.5 hours away from each other, so my chances to do that are limited.    We are going to visit for Memorial day, but there is a chance my sister and her family will be there as well, so it may not happen then, either.

Basically, she's blaming my oldest sister for the problems that we are having.  (They have their own separate issues.)   She thinks that my sister has "turned me against her."    Not only is that completely wrong in its own right, but she's also trying to "recruit" my new SIL to "her side."    It's a completely RIDICULOUS situation, and it's being completely fabricated by herself.

The funny thing is that all she's done is made my brother and SIL realize that she's being CRAZY.  They totally see through the BS, and it's having the adverse effect from what my mother wants.   It's almost sweet justice, really.

Erg, so I have to talk with her, and set her straight about my side of the situation, and I'm fully prepared for it to not go well.   I'm also realizing recently that she must have been including my father in on all these discussions (usually he keeps out of the gossip), but he's been acting weird around me.   So that basically means that I need to talk with both of them.   I've never had to do anything like this with my parents, and it's just a little daunting, to say the least.

This is all compounded by the fact that I am incapable of using any amount of TACT.    I fight it, and I'm aware of it, but I swear that things fly out of my mouth that sound so damn rational when I say them, and then I look back and think "what was I THINKING?!?"  

I'll let you all know how it goes...  :)

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Also, I owe you all pictures, and I will get to them soon.

PINK

It's a girl.  And healthy from what they can tell.   Time to actually start some planning!

A Serious Case of the Blahs.

Alright, so it's been a SHAMEFUL amount of time since I last posted, and I completely understand if I have no more readers.    I have been reading and commenting, but I just. can't. bring. myself to put together a post.

I'll be 20 weeks tomorrow, and we have our large ultrasound next Friday.   It'll be the one where they check all the organs and can tell us pink or blue for the nursery.    I've DEFINITELY got a belly, and had the first person ask me just yesterday (who didn't already know) if I was pregnant.    But I still feel bad about getting excited.   It's very surreal.

I suppose have a general apathy around the pregnancy.

People ask:

Have you decided on a nursery theme?   No.
Have you bought anything for the baby?   No. 
Have you picked talked about names?   Not really.
Have you started a registry?  No.

Actually, what I say is:  "We're just waiting to find out if it's a boy/girl."   Because that's more socially acceptable than saying:  "We're just really worried that the 20 week ultrasound will show us something terrible, and so we're just waiting for the all clear before we get excited."   Actually, I'm just hoping that is the reason, because I really WANT to start getting excited.

We opted out of all genetic testing because we wouldn't terminate regardless of the problem.   I think that it's actually caused me to have a little anxiety over this next ultrasound because there really could be something wrong.    But the tests are expensive, and lost of them aren't covered by our insurance, so we opted out of them.

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Quick notes to catch up:

• I have 8 more weeks of work before I'm done.   I'm starting to get excited and scared that I'm going to be bored
• my weight:    Initial loss=3 (maybe more?  I didn't weigh myself at the beginning so this is just an estimate),     total gain=8.5 pound,     net gain=5.5
• Silly fact:  My butt is exactly the same size as my belly right now, it grew over night on Monday night (I'm serious, I woke up and had a ba-dunk-a-dunk butt).   I'm VERY symmetrical, and it looks HILARIOUS.  I love it, and it makes me giggle.   Sweets is putting together a picture where he's actually going to measure.    I will post it.

I'm alive, I swear

Oh jeez, it's been a rough couple of weeks.    I'm finally getting to the point where I have far more good days than bad, and I really haven't wanted to get all whiny on here, so I've just kind of been staying away.

I have been bleeding off and on for most of the pregnancy.   I went in last week to see my doctor about it, and he doesn't really seem concerned at all (it's usually just a brown spotting, and was only red once at about 13.5 weeks).   I hadn't worried about it after the first freak out (at 6 weeks) because I was still in my first trimester, but now that I'm in my second, I can't help but worry about why it's still happening.   Sweets and I have all but ceased our *ahem* bedroom fun because both of us are a little wary.  

I also have a cardiology appointment on Friday.   I've been having a really crazy heart rate since about 7 weeks.   Sitting my heart rate is 90, standing 120 and walking it can hit over 160 (which is what someone would be while working out very hard).    It has started to seriously freak out my personal trainer, so I pressed my doctor the last time I saw him, and he admitted that it wasn't normal, and he had no idea what was going on with me.   So off to the heart doctor I go.   I'm assuming that it's going to be nothing, or at least nothing that will be fixable.    So I have my fingers crossed that it just goes away and hopefully soon.

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I'm now having some serious problems with my mother.   I have mentioned several times about how her gossiping was getting in the way of our relationship, and that I was totally sick of it.   Not only that, but that I was purposely separating myself from her so because of it.  

Well, it's now all coming down to a confrontation.

My sister and I had a talk last week about how Mom doesn't understand what I don't seem to want to be around her, and why I have drifted away from her in the past two years.    Quite frankly, it's because of all the IF problems, and me not feeling like I could share any of it with her because she would blab it to everyone on the planet.   As all of you ladies know, dealing with IF has a tendency to become your ENTIRE life.   And I don't plan on sharing any of that with her, and so I'm left skirting around the issues.

My sister told her that her gossiping is hard for me (something I'd already told her), and that Mom should  stop talking to me about everyone else.   But it's really the flip side of the equation that bothers me the most.   I don't feel like I want to tell her anything about me, for fear that it will be spread all over the place.  

Now, there is another factor to this kerfaffle.   My mother happens to be the absolute, MOST defensive person in the country, if not the world.    That coupled with the fact that I have very little tact is a recipe for disaster.  

We are going to have to talk about this at some point, and I'm seriously worried that it will completely end our relationship.    Sigh.  I'll let you all know how it turns out.

13w1d

I actually made it to my second trimester!!!   I am feeling sooo much better, it's unbelievable.   Evenings are a little iffy, but I've been able to return to most of my normal activities.

I spotted off and on until about my 10th week of pregnancy.   And it started again on Friday, and I can't quite figure out what the heck is going on.   The doctor's office didn't seem that concerned, and just told me to watch it over the weekend.   From what I've read, you shouldn't bleed at ALL in your second trimester.    I don't see my doctor for a scheduled appointment for another 3 weeks, so I may have to schedule an appointment this week to see if everything is ok.

I've also been having a hard time regulating my heart rate.    My resting (sitting) rate is about 90, and my standing is about 120.   Walking, or jogging will get me up to 140-160 in no time.     I mentioned this at my last doctors appointment, and they are checking my thyroid and hemoglobin.    I may have low iron because I donated blood two weeks before I got pregnant (but it was great when I donated, so that shouldn't be it).  

We've finally started telling people, and it's so weird that people get more excited than I am.    I just can't seem to believe that this is real, or that it's going to work out ok.   I somewhat expected this from reading other blogs in the community, but it's still an odd feeling to try to fake enthusiasm for something like this.   (I mean, I'm happy, and excited, but not like I thought I'd be...)

So all in all, things are looking pretty good.    No complaints out of me, and hopefully we will get these little speed bumps figured out and taken care of soon.

An update with my friend with the preemie:   the baby continues to progress and will likely be on track to go home on his due date.   So that's all good news, and hopefully it keeps getting better.   Thanks for all of the prayers along the way for them.

Still here, and a my marriage in a short essay.

I'm still alive, I promise.     I have been commenting here and there (definitely reading) but I haven't wanted to post because I was feeling terrible and didn't want to whine.

I am now feeling about 60% human, the past two days have been a lot better.   Still with the pukey-pukey, but less nausea and more productivity.  

Sweets has been out of town on business this whole week, and doesn't get back for a couple of more days. As he has been functioning as both cook and waiter for the past 6 or so weeks, in his absence I have been eating a few *ahem* creative dinners.   For example:  half a sleeve of saltines with peanut butter, or two cans of pears, or a bowl of cereal.    I actually convinced myself that the cereal was a good option because it's fortified with good vitamins (I haven't been able to take the prenatals because they make me so sick).  Ha!

----

I have been thinking a lot lately about how much Sweets and my relationship has changed over the past six months.     Near the 4th or 6th month of us TTC was when I started to worry about fertility.   Given my past medical history, I think I made the leap a little faster than some others.   I worried for a couple of months silently, and then I started to get really angry.   At Sweets.   And then our already cracking marriage started to seriously falter.

My only two non-negotiable life-style needs were children and living near my family.   We have been together for 9 years, and married for 6, and I had been very vocal about these two points.   I had also told him that I wanted kids at 26 or 28, and did not want to wait until I was 30 (which was something that I ended up having to let go of because he just wasn't ready).  

As the months wore on and on, I became more and more angry.   What if we could never have kids?  What if it was because we waited so long (er, or because he made me wait so long)?   These thoughts were ever-present in my head.   I remember thinking that I didn't know if I'd ever be able to forgive him for doing this to me.   How could I forgive him for being so damn selfish?   For putting his job above his family?

Then something happened.  

I hit rock-bottom.

Over the span of a couple of months I/we seriously discussed ending our marriage, and giving up.   We screamed and yelled, and picked fights and cried.   And I started this blog as an outlet.   And we started counseling.

I don't know how Sweets feels about all of this, but I finally felt that he heard and understood why I was so upset.  And then we both made the decision to fight for our marriage.

For the next few weeks/months we still fought, and picked and cried.  But we also healed, and grew closer and reconnected.    And I think that in the end, we came out stronger because of the heartache.

It amazes me that in 6 short years of marriage, I could have forgotten how wonderful marriage really is, but I'm so very happy to be reminded.

More human

A huge thank you to Chelle for the Pre.ggie Pop suggestion!   I'm feeling a bit more human, and was able to have a productive work day yesterday.    I'm still loosing a lot of what I eat, but I just feel a whole lot better in general.   It's so wonderful.