Wednesday, March 31, 2010

I'm alive, I swear

Oh jeez, it's been a rough couple of weeks.    I'm finally getting to the point where I have far more good days than bad, and I really haven't wanted to get all whiny on here, so I've just kind of been staying away.

I have been bleeding off and on for most of the pregnancy.   I went in last week to see my doctor about it, and he doesn't really seem concerned at all (it's usually just a brown spotting, and was only red once at about 13.5 weeks).   I hadn't worried about it after the first freak out (at 6 weeks) because I was still in my first trimester, but now that I'm in my second, I can't help but worry about why it's still happening.   Sweets and I have all but ceased our *ahem* bedroom fun because both of us are a little wary.  

I also have a cardiology appointment on Friday.   I've been having a really crazy heart rate since about 7 weeks.   Sitting my heart rate is 90, standing 120 and walking it can hit over 160 (which is what someone would be while working out very hard).    It has started to seriously freak out my personal trainer, so I pressed my doctor the last time I saw him, and he admitted that it wasn't normal, and he had no idea what was going on with me.   So off to the heart doctor I go.   I'm assuming that it's going to be nothing, or at least nothing that will be fixable.    So I have my fingers crossed that it just goes away and hopefully soon.


I'm now having some serious problems with my mother.   I have mentioned several times about how her gossiping was getting in the way of our relationship, and that I was totally sick of it.   Not only that, but that I was purposely separating myself from her so because of it.  

Well, it's now all coming down to a confrontation.

My sister and I had a talk last week about how Mom doesn't understand what I don't seem to want to be around her, and why I have drifted away from her in the past two years.    Quite frankly, it's because of all the IF problems, and me not feeling like I could share any of it with her because she would blab it to everyone on the planet.   As all of you ladies know, dealing with IF has a tendency to become your ENTIRE life.   And I don't plan on sharing any of that with her, and so I'm left skirting around the issues.

My sister told her that her gossiping is hard for me (something I'd already told her), and that Mom should  stop talking to me about everyone else.   But it's really the flip side of the equation that bothers me the most.   I don't feel like I want to tell her anything about me, for fear that it will be spread all over the place.  

Now, there is another factor to this kerfaffle.   My mother happens to be the absolute, MOST defensive person in the country, if not the world.    That coupled with the fact that I have very little tact is a recipe for disaster.  

We are going to have to talk about this at some point, and I'm seriously worried that it will completely end our relationship.    Sigh.  I'll let you all know how it turns out.

Sunday, March 14, 2010


I actually made it to my second trimester!!!   I am feeling sooo much better, it's unbelievable.   Evenings are a little iffy, but I've been able to return to most of my normal activities.

I spotted off and on until about my 10th week of pregnancy.   And it started again on Friday, and I can't quite figure out what the heck is going on.   The doctor's office didn't seem that concerned, and just told me to watch it over the weekend.   From what I've read, you shouldn't bleed at ALL in your second trimester.    I don't see my doctor for a scheduled appointment for another 3 weeks, so I may have to schedule an appointment this week to see if everything is ok.

I've also been having a hard time regulating my heart rate.    My resting (sitting) rate is about 90, and my standing is about 120.   Walking, or jogging will get me up to 140-160 in no time.     I mentioned this at my last doctors appointment, and they are checking my thyroid and hemoglobin.    I may have low iron because I donated blood two weeks before I got pregnant (but it was great when I donated, so that shouldn't be it).  

We've finally started telling people, and it's so weird that people get more excited than I am.    I just can't seem to believe that this is real, or that it's going to work out ok.   I somewhat expected this from reading other blogs in the community, but it's still an odd feeling to try to fake enthusiasm for something like this.   (I mean, I'm happy, and excited, but not like I thought I'd be...)

So all in all, things are looking pretty good.    No complaints out of me, and hopefully we will get these little speed bumps figured out and taken care of soon.

An update with my friend with the preemie:   the baby continues to progress and will likely be on track to go home on his due date.   So that's all good news, and hopefully it keeps getting better.   Thanks for all of the prayers along the way for them.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Still here, and a my marriage in a short essay.

I'm still alive, I promise.     I have been commenting here and there (definitely reading) but I haven't wanted to post because I was feeling terrible and didn't want to whine.

I am now feeling about 60% human, the past two days have been a lot better.   Still with the pukey-pukey, but less nausea and more productivity.  

Sweets has been out of town on business this whole week, and doesn't get back for a couple of more days. As he has been functioning as both cook and waiter for the past 6 or so weeks, in his absence I have been eating a few *ahem* creative dinners.   For example:  half a sleeve of saltines with peanut butter, or two cans of pears, or a bowl of cereal.    I actually convinced myself that the cereal was a good option because it's fortified with good vitamins (I haven't been able to take the prenatals because they make me so sick).  Ha!


I have been thinking a lot lately about how much Sweets and my relationship has changed over the past six months.     Near the 4th or 6th month of us TTC was when I started to worry about fertility.   Given my past medical history, I think I made the leap a little faster than some others.   I worried for a couple of months silently, and then I started to get really angry.   At Sweets.   And then our already cracking marriage started to seriously falter.

My only two non-negotiable life-style needs were children and living near my family.   We have been together for 9 years, and married for 6, and I had been very vocal about these two points.   I had also told him that I wanted kids at 26 or 28, and did not want to wait until I was 30 (which was something that I ended up having to let go of because he just wasn't ready).  

As the months wore on and on, I became more and more angry.   What if we could never have kids?  What if it was because we waited so long (er, or because he made me wait so long)?   These thoughts were ever-present in my head.   I remember thinking that I didn't know if I'd ever be able to forgive him for doing this to me.   How could I forgive him for being so damn selfish?   For putting his job above his family?

Then something happened.  

I hit rock-bottom.

Over the span of a couple of months I/we seriously discussed ending our marriage, and giving up.   We screamed and yelled, and picked fights and cried.   And I started this blog as an outlet.   And we started counseling.

I don't know how Sweets feels about all of this, but I finally felt that he heard and understood why I was so upset.  And then we both made the decision to fight for our marriage.

For the next few weeks/months we still fought, and picked and cried.  But we also healed, and grew closer and reconnected.    And I think that in the end, we came out stronger because of the heartache.

It amazes me that in 6 short years of marriage, I could have forgotten how wonderful marriage really is, but I'm so very happy to be reminded.