Friday, March 5, 2010

Still here, and a my marriage in a short essay.

I'm still alive, I promise.     I have been commenting here and there (definitely reading) but I haven't wanted to post because I was feeling terrible and didn't want to whine.

I am now feeling about 60% human, the past two days have been a lot better.   Still with the pukey-pukey, but less nausea and more productivity.  

Sweets has been out of town on business this whole week, and doesn't get back for a couple of more days. As he has been functioning as both cook and waiter for the past 6 or so weeks, in his absence I have been eating a few *ahem* creative dinners.   For example:  half a sleeve of saltines with peanut butter, or two cans of pears, or a bowl of cereal.    I actually convinced myself that the cereal was a good option because it's fortified with good vitamins (I haven't been able to take the prenatals because they make me so sick).  Ha!


I have been thinking a lot lately about how much Sweets and my relationship has changed over the past six months.     Near the 4th or 6th month of us TTC was when I started to worry about fertility.   Given my past medical history, I think I made the leap a little faster than some others.   I worried for a couple of months silently, and then I started to get really angry.   At Sweets.   And then our already cracking marriage started to seriously falter.

My only two non-negotiable life-style needs were children and living near my family.   We have been together for 9 years, and married for 6, and I had been very vocal about these two points.   I had also told him that I wanted kids at 26 or 28, and did not want to wait until I was 30 (which was something that I ended up having to let go of because he just wasn't ready).  

As the months wore on and on, I became more and more angry.   What if we could never have kids?  What if it was because we waited so long (er, or because he made me wait so long)?   These thoughts were ever-present in my head.   I remember thinking that I didn't know if I'd ever be able to forgive him for doing this to me.   How could I forgive him for being so damn selfish?   For putting his job above his family?

Then something happened.  

I hit rock-bottom.

Over the span of a couple of months I/we seriously discussed ending our marriage, and giving up.   We screamed and yelled, and picked fights and cried.   And I started this blog as an outlet.   And we started counseling.

I don't know how Sweets feels about all of this, but I finally felt that he heard and understood why I was so upset.  And then we both made the decision to fight for our marriage.

For the next few weeks/months we still fought, and picked and cried.  But we also healed, and grew closer and reconnected.    And I think that in the end, we came out stronger because of the heartache.

It amazes me that in 6 short years of marriage, I could have forgotten how wonderful marriage really is, but I'm so very happy to be reminded.


  1. This reminded me of the song Love Is Like a Battlefield by Jordan Sparks. It really is a battle sometimes.

    My parents do some marriage counselling and they once told me that to get to true intimacy you need conflict. Funny hey?

    I guess nothing in life that is worth something comes easy. Anyone in the IF community can atest to that!

    I am so glad you guys were able to work through your issues. Everyone has issues but it is takes a true fighter to hold on and love deep. It was refreshing to see that you overcame your struggle!

    I am sure you guys will see some incredible things in your marriage in the future!

    Thanks for sharing. It is nice to know that I am not the only one who goes through marriage type struggles!

  2. Glad to hear from you!
    Thank you for sharing. I love hearing real and honest feelings about husbands and marriage. It makes me feel very normal.

  3. I can't say anything about meals myself as while my husband has been away I've been all about the frozen pizza. (carbs, veggies, dairy. it's a balanced meal! ahem.)

    The downside to his return - having to cook for him again. He's not been quite so nice as your Sweets about taking over food prep. Ah well, can't have everything!

  4. So glad to hear from you! I've been wondering how you are doing. I hope the m/s goes away soon.

    I'm so glad that you and Sweets were able to work on your issues and you are doing better. Thank you for sharing them. It's nice to know that having issues within a marriage is normal.

  5. Wish you were feeling better. But it is so good to hear about your relationship with the mr. What a beautiful beginning for this baby :)

  6. IF can put a strain on any marriage, but I am so glad that you both were strong enough and committed enough to move past that and continue to grow your relationship. I honestly think that enduring such struggles will make you better parents -- you will know how to work through things a lot better.

    I hope you get to feeling better soon.