I'm still alive, I promise. I have been commenting here and there (definitely reading) but I haven't wanted to post because I was feeling terrible and didn't want to whine.
I am now feeling about 60% human, the past two days have been a lot better. Still with the pukey-pukey, but less nausea and more productivity.
Sweets has been out of town on business this whole week, and doesn't get back for a couple of more days. As he has been functioning as both cook and waiter for the past 6 or so weeks, in his absence I have been eating a few *ahem* creative dinners. For example: half a sleeve of saltines with peanut butter, or two cans of pears, or a bowl of cereal. I actually convinced myself that the cereal was a good option because it's fortified with good vitamins (I haven't been able to take the prenatals because they make me so sick). Ha!
I have been thinking a lot lately about how much Sweets and my relationship has changed over the past six months. Near the 4th or 6th month of us TTC was when I started to worry about fertility. Given my past medical history, I think I made the leap a little faster than some others. I worried for a couple of months silently, and then I started to get really angry. At Sweets. And then our already cracking marriage started to seriously falter.
My only two non-negotiable life-style needs were children and living near my family. We have been together for 9 years, and married for 6, and I had been very vocal about these two points. I had also told him that I wanted kids at 26 or 28, and did not want to wait until I was 30 (which was something that I ended up having to let go of because he just wasn't ready).
As the months wore on and on, I became more and more angry. What if we could never have kids? What if it was because we waited so long (er, or because he made me wait so long)? These thoughts were ever-present in my head. I remember thinking that I didn't know if I'd ever be able to forgive him for doing this to me. How could I forgive him for being so damn selfish? For putting his job above his family?
Then something happened.
I hit rock-bottom.
Over the span of a couple of months I/we seriously discussed ending our marriage, and giving up. We screamed and yelled, and picked fights and cried. And I started this blog as an outlet. And we started counseling.
I don't know how Sweets feels about all of this, but I finally felt that he heard and understood why I was so upset. And then we both made the decision to fight for our marriage.
For the next few weeks/months we still fought, and picked and cried. But we also healed, and grew closer and reconnected. And I think that in the end, we came out stronger because of the heartache.
It amazes me that in 6 short years of marriage, I could have forgotten how wonderful marriage really is, but I'm so very happy to be reminded.