I'm alive, I swear

Oh jeez, it's been a rough couple of weeks.    I'm finally getting to the point where I have far more good days than bad, and I really haven't wanted to get all whiny on here, so I've just kind of been staying away.

I have been bleeding off and on for most of the pregnancy.   I went in last week to see my doctor about it, and he doesn't really seem concerned at all (it's usually just a brown spotting, and was only red once at about 13.5 weeks).   I hadn't worried about it after the first freak out (at 6 weeks) because I was still in my first trimester, but now that I'm in my second, I can't help but worry about why it's still happening.   Sweets and I have all but ceased our *ahem* bedroom fun because both of us are a little wary.  

I also have a cardiology appointment on Friday.   I've been having a really crazy heart rate since about 7 weeks.   Sitting my heart rate is 90, standing 120 and walking it can hit over 160 (which is what someone would be while working out very hard).    It has started to seriously freak out my personal trainer, so I pressed my doctor the last time I saw him, and he admitted that it wasn't normal, and he had no idea what was going on with me.   So off to the heart doctor I go.   I'm assuming that it's going to be nothing, or at least nothing that will be fixable.    So I have my fingers crossed that it just goes away and hopefully soon.

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I'm now having some serious problems with my mother.   I have mentioned several times about how her gossiping was getting in the way of our relationship, and that I was totally sick of it.   Not only that, but that I was purposely separating myself from her so because of it.  

Well, it's now all coming down to a confrontation.

My sister and I had a talk last week about how Mom doesn't understand what I don't seem to want to be around her, and why I have drifted away from her in the past two years.    Quite frankly, it's because of all the IF problems, and me not feeling like I could share any of it with her because she would blab it to everyone on the planet.   As all of you ladies know, dealing with IF has a tendency to become your ENTIRE life.   And I don't plan on sharing any of that with her, and so I'm left skirting around the issues.

My sister told her that her gossiping is hard for me (something I'd already told her), and that Mom should  stop talking to me about everyone else.   But it's really the flip side of the equation that bothers me the most.   I don't feel like I want to tell her anything about me, for fear that it will be spread all over the place.  

Now, there is another factor to this kerfaffle.   My mother happens to be the absolute, MOST defensive person in the country, if not the world.    That coupled with the fact that I have very little tact is a recipe for disaster.  

We are going to have to talk about this at some point, and I'm seriously worried that it will completely end our relationship.    Sigh.  I'll let you all know how it turns out.