Wednesday, December 22, 2010


so we got a terrible computer virus the other week, and it has taken a long time to get completely removed.  It required reformatting our entire computer.

And now, we have crazy anti-virus and tracking software on our computer.   What this means is that it is now completely impossible to keep Sweets from finding this blog.  

And thus, I must stop writing.   I just don't want to risk it.   I promise, promise, promise that I will continue to read, and I will comment, but will be posting so no more.

So thank you ladies.  Thank you for your support, and kind words, and for understanding when I most needed it.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

I heard a great comment the other day.

"There is no such thing as common sense.  There is good sense, but it is not common."  

Thought it was fitting.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

A more well-rounded person

I am always amazed at how going through IF, and getting my legs swept from underneath me in such a way, has made me a more "vocal" person to others going through terrible situations.   I was always one of those people that, while compassionate, I never knew what to say.   Or I'd say the REALLY WRONG thing.  

Of course, I didn't realize how wrong those things were until I battled IF.

A friend that I've drifted apart from (after moving away from our last city) got some terrible news a couple of days ago.    We'll call him James.   His partner and he lived long distance from one another, and James hadn't heard from him for a couple of days.   So, he sent a friend  to check on him  and he was found dead in his apartment.  Now James is headed half way across the country to plan the funeral and bury his partner, completely unexpectedly.   It's awful, and I can't imagine going through it.

Previously, I'm sure that I would have sent a card, or flowers, and waited to hear more from James whenever he wanted to talk.    But that's not what people want when something like this happens, is it?   They don't want to call people, to have to make the effort.   I called and left James a message on his phone, just telling him that I was sorry and I was thinking of him. 

It's so simple that it should be common sense, so why isn't it?    

Baby update:

G is 5 weeks old now, and things are going really well.  She has started to smile, and has learned that when she fusses, she gets attention.   For the past two days, I have been trying to get her to sleep in her crib (and out of her bassinet) but it's not going so hot.   She sleeps for 3 minutes and then jolts awake.  There is something about the crib that just isn't comfortable.   Today, I'm waiting her out.   I will make it happen.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Picture of "G"

So normally I try to exclude any sort of identifying information on my blog because of the sensitive nature to why it was started.   Because so much of it includes Sweets, but he is not aware of the blog (to my knowledge anyway), I have tried to keep everything as anonymous as possible.   So, I'll call the new little one "G", and here's a picture...   Though I may remove this post in a few days after everyone has had a chance to view it :)

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Birth Story!

My apologies!   I wrote this a week and a half ago, and hit Save instead of Publish!    Erg!

So, the birth was basically 99% easy, and 1% sheer terror.

We went in to be induced because of late gestation (41 and a half weeks) on Sept 26th at 7:30. They called us in about 6:45, but by the time we got to the hospital it was apparent that every single pregnant woman in our city had gone into labor during the 45 minutes it took us to get in the car and get to the hospital. So, they sent us away to get a good breakfast and we went back around noon, when they hooked me up to all of the IVs, pitocin, etc.

Sweets and I played travel Scrabble (possibly the coolest game ever, I highly recommend it) until I was unable, and then I got an epidural, and we watched Avatar for a few hours. Epidurals are the most wonderful invention ever. EVER. I do not understand why a person would not want to get one, cause that's just crazy.

The baby had been GREAT and after two pushes the nurse called in the doctor because she was so close to being born. But, as the doctor walked in, her heart rate crashed, and then they actually couldn't even find it. As it turned out, she had the cord wrapped around her neck, and it didn't tighten until I started to push (but usually they can tell by the fetal monitor well in advance of pushing). SO, that called for a vacuum, and an episiotomy and her being born in a total of 15 minutes and 4 more pushes. I've never seen Sweets scared like that, and I was actually trying to calm him down.
She came out looking perfect (no cone head) because she was born so quickly, and none of that bruised look that some newborns have.   And, the speed of it saved me some swelling and I have recovered pretty well.
3 week update:
We continue to do well, and both Sweets and I feel extremely blessed.   Neither of us is taking any of it for granted, which is certainly a positive from experiencing IF.  

Friday, September 17, 2010

Due date tomorrow. Terrible news about a friend.

First, a quick update:
At my doctors appt on Wednesday I was dilated to 1.5 cm and 50% effaced.   This could mean that we may have an ontime departure tomorrow, or could mean that we'll be waiting another week for Baby Girl to make her appearance.  

I'm feeling fine, been walking in the mornings to try to speed things along.   I woke up on Wednesday to huge purple marks on my sides, and needed Sweets to tell me that they were stretch marks.  Hahahahaha.  I couldn't believe that he had to tell me what they were, AND that they happened to appear so LATE in the game!   I almost made it scott-free.  


On more somber news, we got some REALLY bad news about a couple that we know.   Apparently their baby (pregnant at 30 weeks or so) has a tumor.   They aren't telling people about it.   He told Sweets, and then they got interrupted, so he hasn't had a chance to follow up with them.    It's pretty much bad news all around.   The baby could die at any second and really without warning.   If the baby does make it to delivery, it will have to go through surgery, and live its life without (some) major organs.

It makes me cry every time I think about it.  And I'm not a crier, except that this is so upsetting and I'm hormonal, and that's a recipe for crying.    I can't even imagine the type of stress and worry that would overshadow anything happy about a pregnancy like this.  We worried so much that something would be wrong with our baby, and were relieved that the ultrasound was free of any large abnormalities.  

And being pregnant, or soon to have a new baby, I'm nearly sure that the last thing they are going to want is to be around us.   At least, I know that's the last thing that I would want in their situations.   When dealing with IF, the last thing I wanted to do was to be around happy pregnant women.  So I'm left trying to figure out what to do.  Besides pray for them.

So, if you are a praying sort of person, I would ask that you throw a few up there for this couple.  I'd appreciate it very much.

Monday, August 23, 2010

36 weeks

My computer time has been hugely limited for the past month and a half due to VERY uncomfortable chairs in my house.   I don't have a single one that allows me to sit at the desk and type.   I realized today after my doctors appointment that it has been an insane amount of time since I posted, and that it makes me a terrible person.   I need to get a lap top, but it just isn't in the finances.

Things are still going well.   Baby Girl still doesn't have a name, and I don't think that she will until she actually makes it here.   Sweets is just too indecisive, won't pick names he actually likes, and doesn't like what I suggest.   So I'm just waiting it out for now.    All along, I have loved one specific name, which he has mocked and ridiculed until I no longer care for it.   The other day, he said that he'd be OK with it, because he'd rather I love the name, than pick something we were both ambivalent over.   I wanted to scream at him.   As it was, I just mentioned that I didn't like the name any more because of the way he'd been about it, so we'd have to find something else.   It's so frustrating.

But seriously, if this is the only thing we have to worry about, then things are good.

I feel pretty good.  I move slow, and things hurt, and I'm REALLY ready to be able to move like I used to, but I really have nothing to complain about.    Baby Girl is measuring 2 weeks ahead of schedule at 38 weeks (by gross uterine measurement) and the doctor said that we'll be having an 8.5-10 pound baby if she makes it to 40 weeks.   If longer, then we'll do measurements to make sure that she'll fit.   Im pretty tall, so 8.5-9 pounds sounds ok to me, but 10 sounds excessive, and I would seriously consider C-section at that point.

I have gained 30 pounds, and have not gained anything in the past 4 weeks.   I'm hoping to stay right at 30, because  I was about 10 pounds heavier than normal at conception.   It's much easier now because I can't eat the volumes that I was just 2 months ago, everything is so scrunched in there.

I am going to spend the next hour catching up on all your blogs!   I was reading religiously until about a month ago, so I have a lot of reading to do!   

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

made it through

So I made it through the vacation with my family.   It was tense, and I had to listen to a bunch of passive aggressive talk from my mother and sister (expected), but I got an unexpected ally in my SIL.   She was SUPER pissed at how my sister and mom treated me, and I pretty much had to tell her and my brother what happened because of all of it.  (I had somewhat decided not to say anything to anyone, cause I didn't want it coming from me)

Though there were a few highlights.

1.  My father must have felt awful about how he treated me because he spent the whole week sucking up.   I really would have liked it if he would have been straightforward, but I don't know if that will ever happen, so I'll take it how I can get it.
2.  He told off my mother one night because she was trying to control how the rest of us cleaned the kitchen (it was priceless and she spent the rest of the night in her room)
3.  My brother had to put mom in her place because she was trying to control what people were keeping for food in the "second" condo we rented...   This also happened to be the condo that both pregnant women were in... she didn't want us having food over there at all!   Like that works with two pregnant women!    She ended up apologizing to brother the next day.
4.   After my brother yelled at my mom,  Dad pulled my brother aside and told him that "he didn't know what was going on with mom, but he'd appreciate some help in handling her."

After an entire week with them, my mom grabbed me as we were leaving for the airport and said two sentences about the two of us:

"I don't want to get into anything because your leaving for the airport, but I get it.   I get it."

So, not an apology, but a step in the right direction?

I've been praying a lot that my heart will soften again to the two of them, but it's hard.   I wonder if we'll ever make it back to how we were 3-5 years ago.  

Wednesday, June 23, 2010


Thanks to all of you!   It really helps to get other perspectives when stuck in a situation like this.

I think you're right, and that not attending the vacation (while very appealing) isn't really an option because it would be the nail in the coffin of my relationship with my parents.   On the other hand, I have assessed the cost of leaving the vacation early, and it seems like it would only be a few hundred dollars.   We don't really have any extra money laying around, but we could swing that if we had to.   Really, can you put a price on your sanity?

I also think that you're right in that I should just ignore everything.   I really don't want to talk about it, I don't think anything is going to be resolved, because my father will simply back up my mother regardless of how ridiculous she is.  In turn, she's not going to admit that she had anything to do about the matter.   Therefore, I lose regardless.

It's funny/ironic, because in all of the conversations that I had with my siblings, they counseled me to talk with her and deal with it.   My response to them has always been that "this ends badly for me, I can see to the end of it, and I KNOW how it's going to turn out."     Ick.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

More Mama Drama

I will try my hardest to make this story somewhat cohesive, but I warn all readers now that I'm still very upset, and this could result in quite a lot of rambling.   I also apologize for the HUGE size of this post.

A little bit of backstory:
I have previously documented the problems that I've had with my mother and her gossiping.   It was the reason that we didn't tell anyone in the family about our infertility struggles, and it has succeeded in really poisoning our relationship.  The disintegration of our relationship is largely my fault.   My inability to deal with her gossiping has resulted in me pulling away from her and having an EXTREMELY short fuse when it comes to just about anything she does.   I tend to speak to her condescendingly and disrespectfully, and I have really been trying to work on it.

Over Memorial Day weekend, we had a chance to talk about things.   I explained where I was coming from, and generally mentioned that there are things in my life that I couldn't/wouldn't talk about, but that I was sorry for how I'd been treating her, and I would work on it.   She acknowledged that she needed to stop talking about people, and said she'd work on it.

Separately, I can now tell all of you that my brother and SIL are pregnant.   She's 36, and can you guess how long it took them to get pregnant?   You guessed it, FIRST TRY.   Of course.   Anyway, they were super worried about genetic testing because of her family history, and so asked us not to tell anyone, so I've kept it quiet, even here in blog-land.

During Memorial day weekend, I decided to extend and olive branch to my mother, and share with her our list of names we are considering for our baby.   After hearing the list (of about 10), she told us that one of the names was my SIL's name that she's picked for a girl.   She told us what it was, and I took it off the list, because I don't want to get into ANYTHING ABOUT IT.   We had a similar problem when both my sisters were pregnant at the same time, and it nearly tore them apart.

We found out that SIL is having a boy, (ours is a girl).

So, I called my dad on father's day to make sure he got the present, and chat with him.   Mom made sure to steal the phone away from him to chat with me (which kind of drives me crazy cause I don't really like talking on the phone, which is why I called HIS CELL PHONE).    We talked for awhile,  and then she tells me that she talked to my SIL.   That one of her friends used her name, so now she wasn't sure she wanted to use it.   She told me that she told SIL that "Nixy and Sweets have a list of names, and yours was on it, so I told them, and they took it off, so if you aren't going to use it..."

At which point I interrupted her, exclaiming.  "Why are you getting INVOLVED IN THIS?!"  

And she freaked.   Freaked.  Completely decompensated.   She flipped from yelling, to crying, to telling me that I didn't even let her finish.  She personally attacked me, and in response I got more calm, and condescending and had to repeatedly threaten to hang up the phone if she didn't calm down.    This only made things worse.

I told her that it didn't MATTER about the story, it mattered that we only talked about this WEEKS ago, and she was already talking about things I'd told her that she shouldn't be talking about.    She didn't want to hear it.    Told me that I was only going to the bottom line, and that after pressing SIL about the name, SIL said that she still liked the name and would probably use it if they have a girl next.   The truth came out that she really WANTED us to use the name, because it was her grandmothers.   This to me just showed that she was doing this for her own personal reasons.   She said that she considered not saying anything, but in the end did anyway. 

To Mom, the ends justify the means.    To me, it does not.   Especially after what we just talked about a few weeks ago and her promise to stop repeating the things I tell her.

And so it continued.   Around and around.

Until my father took the phone from her and said (I paraphrase except for the first sentence):

THIS IS YOUR FATHER.   I have been listening to you talk to your mother and it is unacceptable.  Your mother deserves kindness and understanding.    Over the past couple of years, I have been watching how you treat her, and haven't said anything.   I've been waiting for a time when we could get over it, but you have irreparably damaged our relationship and I don't know if we'll be able to get over it.   You have ruined my Father's Day.

I acknowledged that I don't speak to her respectfully, I also asked him how long he'd been listening to the conversation, and he admitted that it hadn't been that long.    I told him she'd been personally attacking me, and  I told him that what little respect I could muster was shown in the fact that I did not hang up on her despite the abuse that she had been throwing, and that my tone of voice was DIRECTLY related to that abuse.   That I had refrained from using personal attacks, and at this point, that was all that could be expected of me.    I apologized for ruining his Fathers day and asked to speak to my mother again.     He repeated that I should be treating my mother with kindness and respect (I refrained from telling him that I did as well, and that gossiping about people was disrespectful).

She was much calmer, and we somewhat resolved things.   I apologized for speaking to her in a disrespectful manner, but she REFUSED to admit she had done anything wrong.   Which, in the long run is fine, because I can just stop telling her anything to prevent that.

What I have a SERIOUS problem with is my father thinking that after YEARS of this going on, that he feels he has the right to step in to the middle of a fight and "lay down the law" and "put me in my place."   My father is the most non-communicative person on the planet.   He stays out of everything, and always has.   I have no idea if he's got the whole story, or even cares to.

We are supposed to be going on vacation with the whole family (except for my oldest sister, who my mother also has problems with and didn't invite) this Saturday for a week.  Of course my mom will have called the rest of the family and cried and blubbered and tried to get them on her side.    The only person who will not fall for this is my brother.

I don't know what to do.    My father is never involved in ANYTHING with my life.    He's like a silent partner in everything interpersonally related.   Therefore, I tread into uncharted waters.   I don't feel like talking to him.   I feel like cutting him out of my life.   I don't feel that he had the right to overtake a situation and then say such strong things that can't be taken back, and that will probably change our relationship forever.

He had no interest in hearing my side of anything, which is fine, except that he then chose to get involved.   

Sweets listened to quite a lot of the conversation and (kind of) surprisingly came out on my side of everything.    We have a relationship where we pretty much tell the other person if they are wrong, and he felt that while I was condescending and not respectful, that the situation definitely warranted it.   And that my father was out of line.   It makes me feel better that someone else thinks I'm being somewhat rational about the situation.

I could use any advice people might have.   I know I'm going to have to deal with this in a few short days and I'm really dreading it.  Ugh.  

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

wrapping things up

I am on the 2 week home stretch for my job.   I really can't wait to be done, but it's also going to mean that I no longer have a personal computer.  

We had originally thought that I would buy myself a laptop when I left work, but I just don't see it as a financial possibility.    We're going to end up dropping so much money on baby type gear that I think a computer will be at the bottom of the list for awhile.

This will probably mean that my posting (as terrible has it has been lately) and my commenting will get even worse.   I apologize for that, but will try to make a concerted effort to keep up with everyone's blogs and comment as much as possible!   I'll also try to post a few times before I have to give my computer back.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

The big talk

So, Sweets and I traveled to my parents' house this weekend.   I got a chance to briefly talk to my mom about everything, and we took a baby step to getting things figured out.

To make a long story short, she recognizes that her mouth gets her in trouble, and she's going to work on it.     It wasn't an earth shattering conversation, but we got a chance to talk about it, and hopefully it'll help both of us get over our issues.

I know this sounds vague, but now that I look back on the conversation, I realize that the conversation in itself was pretty vague.   I got a chance to tell her that there have been things going on in my life that I didn't feel that I could share.    That I was worried that it would get out, and that it made me angry I couldn't talk with her about it.    That I let that anger taint my relationship with her, and that I was sorry for letting that happen.  

I think that she took it well.   She was defensive (of course, seriously who wouldn't be?) but I was able to not respond in kind, and keep it a conversation and not a fight.  

So it went alright.  And I breathe a sigh of relief.

Warning, baby talk below, so please click away if you are in a sensitive place right now...

24 weeks, we made it to "viability."   I still cringe a little thinking in terms of that, but it's been a mark that we've had in our heads all along, and now we're finally in total baby-planning mode.

The nursery is coming along pretty well, but I don't want to post pics until it's done.   We pulled out all my sister's saved baby clothes, and I'm sorting them to wash and fold.  They are all so little!   And EVERYTHING she bought was pink.  It's kinda hilarious.   I like pink, but holy cow, I would dress my kid in something else (except all of this was free, and so she'll be wearing it).

I feel great, finally.   I can finish a whole work out without completely collapsing.   I almost don't feel pregnant, except that my baby is a first-class prize fighter.   I'm convinced she's hyperactive.   She kicks me all the time, and you can actually see my belly jump she kicks/moves so hard.   I'm wondering if that will calm down when she gets a little bit more squished in?  I don't know, I guess we'll see.

I have gained a crap load of weight.   I'm up 16 pounds, and have 16 more weeks to go.  If I continue putting on weight at the rate I've been going, I'll gain a total of about 40 pounds.  eeeek!   I REALLY wanted to stay under 30, so I'm hoping that the gain slows a little bit.    I haven't really been eating like crazy, and have been eating mostly healthy food, but I could definitely do better.   My doctor told me that the biggest weight jump would be these weeks, so I'm really hoping that the gain will slow.  

I do my glucose tolerance next week at my 25 week appointment, so hopefully that goes well.

I only have 4 more weeks of work, and I AM SO RELIEVED.   It's been a rough couple of years on the professional front and I'm REALLY ready for a break.    it's going to be awesome.

Ok, that's it for now.  Will update with nursery pics next!

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Finally, a belly pic

This is me at 20 weeks.   I don't have anything from the past two weeks, I'm just a little bigger.   I spent the weekend painting the nursery and will post pictures when I finally get all the furniture in and in place.

Monday, May 10, 2010

A more comprehensive update

Sorry for the short update this weekend, but I wanted to post, and Sweets was around all weekend.  Usually, he works at least one weekend day, and I have some time to myself, but that was not the case.

So, as I said before, it's a girl!   I found out that Sweets REALLY doesn't want the room for her painted pink (not too shocking, but I was a little surprised that he cared).   So, we're going to do one accent wall in a light green, and I'll decorate with pink things.   I must say, I LURVE pink.  

This weekend was the "dreaded Mother's day" for everyone battling IF.  I thought of all my IF buddies frequently through out the day, and did a lot of reflection on where I have been the past few years.   I half-jokingly asked Sweets where my mothers day gift was, and was surprised when he responded that he's bought me a mother's day card for the past few years, and hasn't been able to give them to me, and now that I AM pregnant, he doesn't want to jinx it.    It kind of made me sad.  

We're at 21.5 weeks now, so just another month until we hit "viability."   It's never ceases to amaze me how IF stays with a person.   We're both getting excited now that the ultrasound showed she's healthy, but it's still reserved and punctuated with these moments of doubt and foreboding.   It's really unfair that even when we GET what we've hoped, prayed, and begged for, that we still feel so damn helpless about it all.   ick.

We cleared out the office to make it the nursery, and I'll post pictures when we get it set up (or at least mostly set up).


My replacement for my job started last week, and I only have 7 more weeks of work!   I'm so excited, and a little scared to stop working with 10-12 weeks left to sit around and do nothing, but it wasn't exactly up to me (stupid boss isn't being so nice these days).   So I'm definitely just trying to look at all the great things I'm going to be able to do with my time.   Sew!   Read!   Sleep!  Clean!  Garden!


Things with my mother are getting more crazy, and I'm going to have to talk with her.   I want to do it in person because it's going to be a long involved conversation, but we live 3.5 hours away from each other, so my chances to do that are limited.    We are going to visit for Memorial day, but there is a chance my sister and her family will be there as well, so it may not happen then, either.

Basically, she's blaming my oldest sister for the problems that we are having.  (They have their own separate issues.)   She thinks that my sister has "turned me against her."    Not only is that completely wrong in its own right, but she's also trying to "recruit" my new SIL to "her side."    It's a completely RIDICULOUS situation, and it's being completely fabricated by herself.

The funny thing is that all she's done is made my brother and SIL realize that she's being CRAZY.  They totally see through the BS, and it's having the adverse effect from what my mother wants.   It's almost sweet justice, really.

Erg, so I have to talk with her, and set her straight about my side of the situation, and I'm fully prepared for it to not go well.   I'm also realizing recently that she must have been including my father in on all these discussions (usually he keeps out of the gossip), but he's been acting weird around me.   So that basically means that I need to talk with both of them.   I've never had to do anything like this with my parents, and it's just a little daunting, to say the least.

This is all compounded by the fact that I am incapable of using any amount of TACT.    I fight it, and I'm aware of it, but I swear that things fly out of my mouth that sound so damn rational when I say them, and then I look back and think "what was I THINKING?!?"  

I'll let you all know how it goes...  :)


Also, I owe you all pictures, and I will get to them soon.

Friday, May 7, 2010


It's a girl.  And healthy from what they can tell.   Time to actually start some planning!

Friday, April 30, 2010

A Serious Case of the Blahs.

Alright, so it's been a SHAMEFUL amount of time since I last posted, and I completely understand if I have no more readers.    I have been reading and commenting, but I just. can't. bring. myself to put together a post.

I'll be 20 weeks tomorrow, and we have our large ultrasound next Friday.   It'll be the one where they check all the organs and can tell us pink or blue for the nursery.    I've DEFINITELY got a belly, and had the first person ask me just yesterday (who didn't already know) if I was pregnant.    But I still feel bad about getting excited.   It's very surreal.

I suppose have a general apathy around the pregnancy.

People ask:

Have you decided on a nursery theme?   No.
Have you bought anything for the baby?   No. 
Have you picked talked about names?   Not really.
Have you started a registry?  No.

Actually, what I say is:  "We're just waiting to find out if it's a boy/girl."   Because that's more socially acceptable than saying:  "We're just really worried that the 20 week ultrasound will show us something terrible, and so we're just waiting for the all clear before we get excited."   Actually, I'm just hoping that is the reason, because I really WANT to start getting excited.

We opted out of all genetic testing because we wouldn't terminate regardless of the problem.   I think that it's actually caused me to have a little anxiety over this next ultrasound because there really could be something wrong.    But the tests are expensive, and lost of them aren't covered by our insurance, so we opted out of them.

Quick notes to catch up:

  • I have 8 more weeks of work before I'm done.   I'm starting to get excited and scared that I'm going to be bored
  • my weight:    Initial loss=3 (maybe more?  I didn't weigh myself at the beginning so this is just an estimate),     total gain=8.5 pound,     net gain=5.5
  • Silly fact:  My butt is exactly the same size as my belly right now, it grew over night on Monday night (I'm serious, I woke up and had a ba-dunk-a-dunk butt).   I'm VERY symmetrical, and it looks HILARIOUS.  I love it, and it makes me giggle.   Sweets is putting together a picture where he's actually going to measure.    I will post it.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

I'm alive, I swear

Oh jeez, it's been a rough couple of weeks.    I'm finally getting to the point where I have far more good days than bad, and I really haven't wanted to get all whiny on here, so I've just kind of been staying away.

I have been bleeding off and on for most of the pregnancy.   I went in last week to see my doctor about it, and he doesn't really seem concerned at all (it's usually just a brown spotting, and was only red once at about 13.5 weeks).   I hadn't worried about it after the first freak out (at 6 weeks) because I was still in my first trimester, but now that I'm in my second, I can't help but worry about why it's still happening.   Sweets and I have all but ceased our *ahem* bedroom fun because both of us are a little wary.  

I also have a cardiology appointment on Friday.   I've been having a really crazy heart rate since about 7 weeks.   Sitting my heart rate is 90, standing 120 and walking it can hit over 160 (which is what someone would be while working out very hard).    It has started to seriously freak out my personal trainer, so I pressed my doctor the last time I saw him, and he admitted that it wasn't normal, and he had no idea what was going on with me.   So off to the heart doctor I go.   I'm assuming that it's going to be nothing, or at least nothing that will be fixable.    So I have my fingers crossed that it just goes away and hopefully soon.


I'm now having some serious problems with my mother.   I have mentioned several times about how her gossiping was getting in the way of our relationship, and that I was totally sick of it.   Not only that, but that I was purposely separating myself from her so because of it.  

Well, it's now all coming down to a confrontation.

My sister and I had a talk last week about how Mom doesn't understand what I don't seem to want to be around her, and why I have drifted away from her in the past two years.    Quite frankly, it's because of all the IF problems, and me not feeling like I could share any of it with her because she would blab it to everyone on the planet.   As all of you ladies know, dealing with IF has a tendency to become your ENTIRE life.   And I don't plan on sharing any of that with her, and so I'm left skirting around the issues.

My sister told her that her gossiping is hard for me (something I'd already told her), and that Mom should  stop talking to me about everyone else.   But it's really the flip side of the equation that bothers me the most.   I don't feel like I want to tell her anything about me, for fear that it will be spread all over the place.  

Now, there is another factor to this kerfaffle.   My mother happens to be the absolute, MOST defensive person in the country, if not the world.    That coupled with the fact that I have very little tact is a recipe for disaster.  

We are going to have to talk about this at some point, and I'm seriously worried that it will completely end our relationship.    Sigh.  I'll let you all know how it turns out.

Sunday, March 14, 2010


I actually made it to my second trimester!!!   I am feeling sooo much better, it's unbelievable.   Evenings are a little iffy, but I've been able to return to most of my normal activities.

I spotted off and on until about my 10th week of pregnancy.   And it started again on Friday, and I can't quite figure out what the heck is going on.   The doctor's office didn't seem that concerned, and just told me to watch it over the weekend.   From what I've read, you shouldn't bleed at ALL in your second trimester.    I don't see my doctor for a scheduled appointment for another 3 weeks, so I may have to schedule an appointment this week to see if everything is ok.

I've also been having a hard time regulating my heart rate.    My resting (sitting) rate is about 90, and my standing is about 120.   Walking, or jogging will get me up to 140-160 in no time.     I mentioned this at my last doctors appointment, and they are checking my thyroid and hemoglobin.    I may have low iron because I donated blood two weeks before I got pregnant (but it was great when I donated, so that shouldn't be it).  

We've finally started telling people, and it's so weird that people get more excited than I am.    I just can't seem to believe that this is real, or that it's going to work out ok.   I somewhat expected this from reading other blogs in the community, but it's still an odd feeling to try to fake enthusiasm for something like this.   (I mean, I'm happy, and excited, but not like I thought I'd be...)

So all in all, things are looking pretty good.    No complaints out of me, and hopefully we will get these little speed bumps figured out and taken care of soon.

An update with my friend with the preemie:   the baby continues to progress and will likely be on track to go home on his due date.   So that's all good news, and hopefully it keeps getting better.   Thanks for all of the prayers along the way for them.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Still here, and a my marriage in a short essay.

I'm still alive, I promise.     I have been commenting here and there (definitely reading) but I haven't wanted to post because I was feeling terrible and didn't want to whine.

I am now feeling about 60% human, the past two days have been a lot better.   Still with the pukey-pukey, but less nausea and more productivity.  

Sweets has been out of town on business this whole week, and doesn't get back for a couple of more days. As he has been functioning as both cook and waiter for the past 6 or so weeks, in his absence I have been eating a few *ahem* creative dinners.   For example:  half a sleeve of saltines with peanut butter, or two cans of pears, or a bowl of cereal.    I actually convinced myself that the cereal was a good option because it's fortified with good vitamins (I haven't been able to take the prenatals because they make me so sick).  Ha!


I have been thinking a lot lately about how much Sweets and my relationship has changed over the past six months.     Near the 4th or 6th month of us TTC was when I started to worry about fertility.   Given my past medical history, I think I made the leap a little faster than some others.   I worried for a couple of months silently, and then I started to get really angry.   At Sweets.   And then our already cracking marriage started to seriously falter.

My only two non-negotiable life-style needs were children and living near my family.   We have been together for 9 years, and married for 6, and I had been very vocal about these two points.   I had also told him that I wanted kids at 26 or 28, and did not want to wait until I was 30 (which was something that I ended up having to let go of because he just wasn't ready).  

As the months wore on and on, I became more and more angry.   What if we could never have kids?  What if it was because we waited so long (er, or because he made me wait so long)?   These thoughts were ever-present in my head.   I remember thinking that I didn't know if I'd ever be able to forgive him for doing this to me.   How could I forgive him for being so damn selfish?   For putting his job above his family?

Then something happened.  

I hit rock-bottom.

Over the span of a couple of months I/we seriously discussed ending our marriage, and giving up.   We screamed and yelled, and picked fights and cried.   And I started this blog as an outlet.   And we started counseling.

I don't know how Sweets feels about all of this, but I finally felt that he heard and understood why I was so upset.  And then we both made the decision to fight for our marriage.

For the next few weeks/months we still fought, and picked and cried.  But we also healed, and grew closer and reconnected.    And I think that in the end, we came out stronger because of the heartache.

It amazes me that in 6 short years of marriage, I could have forgotten how wonderful marriage really is, but I'm so very happy to be reminded.

Friday, February 26, 2010

More human

A huge thank you to Chelle for the Pre.ggie Pop suggestion!   I'm feeling a bit more human, and was able to have a productive work day yesterday.    I'm still loosing a lot of what I eat, but I just feel a whole lot better in general.   It's so wonderful.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

The list of goodies

So sorry not to include in the last post a description of what I sent!   Here it is:

for baby:

  • Two cute outfits for a 5 pounder (what they expect him to be when he can go home/wear clothes)
  • a couple of new born pacifiers
  • a pack of receiving blankets
  • one nice snuggly blanket
  • one small security type blanket
  • small packets of dreft to get them started

for parents:

  • an assortment of magazines.  (I think People, Elle, cosmo, time, men's heatlh and parents)
  • one trashy vampire romance novel from the Black Dagger Brotherhood (to see if she likes the series.  If so, I'll send her the rest)
  • an assortment of protein bars (lara, cliff and power) for them to munch on
  • a travel Scrabble game with snap in pieces that they can easily pass around
  • a Snu.ggie, and eye cover for naps
  • hand lotion
So I think I'm missing a couple of things, but can't remember what.   I wasn't feeling great as I was running around, so some of those (the Snu.ggie and the Scrabble game) were DEFINITE impulse buys.    I put all that stuff in a diaper bag and sent it off.  

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Care pkg and etc

Thanks to everyone for your wonderful suggestions on the care package.   They were all really helpful.

I ended up buying a nice Eddie Bauer diaper bag and filling it with all of the goodies.   I think that it turned out pretty well, and I'm just now realizing I should have taken a picture of it all to show you!  (I'm a bad blogger...)    The post office lady positively giggled at how heavy it was, and it cost me over 30 bucks to ship.   Since when did shipping stuff cost so dang much?


Sweets told his mom this weekend (against my wishes because everyone knows she can't keep her mouth shut).   She called me right away to tell me how happy she was, and repeated OVER AND OVER that she wouldn't tell a SOUL.   She acknowledged that she knew I'd be angry, and she promised not to say anything.

Then Sweets talked to his sister the next day and asked if MIL had told her.   She said yes.

This infuriates me.   First, IT ISN'T HER NEWS TO TELL.   Sweets should be able to tell the people in his family!    Also, did she think that not telling anyone excluded family?    

Sweets just laughs it off, because there isn't anything he can do about it.  But I am livid.  At both him for telling her and her for not keeping her mouth shut.   Seriously, it's just TWO more weeks!

It also makes me mad, because Sweets went on and on that my mom wouldn't be able to stay quiet after we told her.   I had to defend her time and again, because she IS good with baby news, despite her other tendencies to gossip.    And she didn't say a damn thing.   We saw my sisters and brother this past weekend and HAD to tell them because I'm already showing, and my boobs are noticeably pregnanty.   They were shocked and excited.

I think that possibly Sweets was just feeling out of the loop, but it doesn't excuse him doing something that I specifically requested that he not do, for VERY good reason (and now is completely justified).

I have half a mind in my hormone crazed state to write his mother an email about how her actions are/were completely innapropriate.    I won't do it, because I'll become rational in another couple of days, but I want. to. write. it.          


Warning: pregnancy related talk below...   IFers feel free to stop reading here.

So my morning sickness has been getting worse and worse for the past few weeks and it's actually getting hard to work.   I have been throwing up at least twice a day after breakfast and dinner, with near constant nausea in between.   I had to tell my boss that I wasn't being very productive, and he was good about it.   I said that I was still getting stuff done, but slowly, and he asked me if "I was able to keep working" as if he was totally ok with me taking time off.   I was kind of floored.   I actually WANT to keep working, because when I'm at home, I just lay in bed and think about how I don't feel well.   I'm HAPPY that I don't feel well because I would worry if I felt alright, but it's definitely affecting my work and life considerably.

I've found that mint tea really helps me make it through the day but I'm really hoping that I'm not one of those women that is sick through my entire pregnancy.   Has anyone out there tried acupuncture for morning sickness?    I'm seriously considering it.

Thursday, February 18, 2010


I am going to put together a care package for my friend and her baby for their 6-8 week stay in the NICU.   (The baby seems to be doing ok but is still very far from being out of the woods, and apparently they aren't even allowed to hold him.  Also, they have transferred him to a larger hospital that is better equipped for premies.)

But I need ideas.   I don't really know anyone first-hand who has gone through this before and I could really use some suggestions.   I got a really brief email from her today and she said that they have NOTHING yet besides furniture.  

Here's what I have so far:

1.  premie clothes (around 5 pounds because some nicu places don't let them wear anything prior to that) and a couple of receiving blankets.
2.  Hand lotion for all the hand washing in the hospital.
3.  Magazines/Books to read while she's bed-side.
4.  Sleep mask in case she wants to nap next to the baby.
5.  Gift certificates to near by restaurants (this might take some research)

Can you think of anything else?

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Not much

Not much is going on around here.

I told my boss so that he could start figuring out project related plans.   In the field that I work in, this is very necessary, as long term planning is a necessity.   I asked him not to say anything else, and I think that he'll keep his mouth shut.    He also gave me a book of baby names that he and his wife had used (their done having kids), so that was really cute.

I have been utterly useless at work.    Productivity now=10%.   My job requires much standing and moving, and thinking during the day, and I just haven't been up to it.   I basically sit at my desk with my head on my arms all day long.   I'm wondering how long this will go unnoticed.  (not very long, I'm sure).

Part of me is totally over it all, and doesn't care what people think about me, but part of me is dreadfully scared that everyone is thinking that I'm a slacker.   But seriously, I'm spending most of my time trying not to vomit on people, so they should be thanking me.  :)

On the plus side, I have been continuing my personal training, though cannot bring myself to go to the gym by myself.   I just don't have the energy, so I'm really glad I'm paying someone so that I'm going at least 1 time a week to get a good work out.   It actually does make me feel better while I'm there, also.


No word yet on my friend's baby.   I haven't wanted to call because it's only been a day, and I'm sure that they are:
1. freaking the hell out.
2.  fielding other calls from people
3. trying to figure out when their parents can visit.

If I haven't had an update by the weekend I'll give her a call, cause I'm sure she'll be out of the hospital by then and may have some time.

This current situation really hits home for me because my husband was born at 30 weeks.   Back in the 1970's it was a little bit more serious than it is now (yea modern medicine!), and Sweets has cerebral palsy.   I have not mentioned this fact about us before because I never really think about it.   It's just how he is.   His case is mild, and many people don't even realize that there is anything wrong with him.    In addition, his cognition was not affected, or at least not that we can tell, cause he's a super-smart-genius-guy.    So impact on our day to day is little, and since it's not supposed to be genetic (or affect my pregnancy in anyway) I don't really think about it.

Sweets has been a little crazy about us planning trips at the end of my pregnancy (anything 3rd trimester).   Our doctor does not restrict travel until 35 weeks, (32 for flying) and so that's what I'm going with.   Sweets is convinced that we're going to have an early baby, and that if we go on one specific trip with my family, planned for my 28th week, that we're going to have our baby in the middle of nowhere, in some ramshackle hospital without a NICU.

I have been telling him he's ridiculous, and refusing to acknowledge his "crazy" about the situation.

So, you might imagine the "I told you so" speech that I got last night after telling him about friend's baby.  

So now I'm left to wonder if I'm wrong about the whole thing?    I mean, I worry SO MUCH about something terrible happening (as most IFers do), that I just really don't want to GIVE IN to it.   I don't want the worry to win.    So I ignore it.    Maybe that's stupid, but it's my coping mechanism.  Otherwise, I wouldn't get out of bed.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Prayers, please

So I mentioned a few months ago about the friend of mine who got pregnant after starting to try long after we did.    She had her baby last night at 29 weeks, and could use any prayers that people are willing to send up.    She is doing well, but the baby is a little touch-and-go right now.  

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Dodging a Bullet

So I mentioned this briefly on a post at Womb for Improvement, but I thought that I'd elaborate.

My Brother married a wonderful woman this past September.   They made no secret of the fact that they were going to start trying right away, and tried to recruit us into it as well, "So that our kids could grow up together."    Part of me was PETRIFIED that they would get pregnant right away (she's already 35), and leave us with another slap to the face.

There are two reasons that this dynamic is continuing to make me a little uncomfortable around my family even though I'm pregnant now. First off, we are planning on telling my brother, SIL, sister and BIL at an extended family get together next weekend (I'll be 10 weeks along).    I'm trying to figure out a nice way to tell my brother and SIL.   I do NOT want to be responsible for causing them hurt.   I can just imagine the "frozen faced smile" that I've given to so many people upon hearing their own good news.    I'm left to wonder if I should call them before-hand?   Wait until we're alone?   Do it in a big group so that they don't feel the need to celebrate with us?    I don't know, but it's a subject of some anxiety on my part.

Secondly, my mother will not shut up about them trying.   Apparently my sister in law is worried about autism because of her age, and because her sister has a severely autistic son.    She made the mistake of telling my mom about it, and now that's the only thing my mom will talk about.    Everything from just telling people around her that SIL is worried, to contemplating whether or not SIL and brother should go straight to IVF, and chose female embies because girls have a lower risk of autism.   I mean, seriously, who does that?

It literally makes me want to scream at her.   As it is, I try to shut down her conversations in other ways so I don't have to listen to it (if I stick my head in the sand, then no one can see me, right?), but that really doesn't stop her.  

This situation makes me incredibly happy about two things:  
1.  That I've been distancing myself from my mother, thus lowering the chance that I have to talk to her about anything, let alone this.

2.  That we didn't tell her about our own IF.   I would be contemplating murder/suicide right now if I was the one that she was talking about.    I can only hope that SIL doesn't realize that this is happening.


I'm headed to a funeral this weekend, and thus will be MIA for the next few days.   I'll catch up when I make it back!


So, I've received my very first blogging award from Jane at TTC Hopeful!   She's super tremendous, and has only been blogging for a short while.   Thanks Jane!  

This post is so very late because of my blogging snafu last week, but better late than never, right?

The rules of this award are:
  • Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
  • Copy the award and place it in your blog.
  • Link the person who nominated you for this award.
  • Tell us 7 interesting things about you.
  • Nominate 7 bloggers.
  • Post the links to the 7 bloggers you nominate.

So, just to jump right in with 7 interesting things about me:

1.   I find things like this incredibly difficult.   I started a post of 100 things about me about 3 months ago, and I'm only half way through.   I'm pretty sure that means I'm not very interesting.  :)   (or creative...)

2.   I ALWAYS misspell "receive" when I type it.   I always spell it recieve.  yea for spell check!

3.  I am the youngest of four kids.  I have the personality to match.   I still talk in a baby voice when I want something, and it drives me CRAZY.     Note:  I am 30 years old and find this unacceptable.  I cringe every time I realize I'm doing it.    Why my parents allowed such an insane habit is beyond me.   I am fortunate that my husband finds it endearing.    (I really fight it, but it still slips out occasionally.   At least I can laugh at myself)

4.   I love to travel, and have been to Europe three times.  I have visited all but 9 or 10 states in this great nation.    It's my goal to visit them all.   

5.   I've always wanted to be a stay at home mom, but now when confronted with it, I'm scared to death at how difficult it's going to be to give up my professional life.

6.    I LOVE to read.    I welcome any suggestions for wonderful books.    Also, I suggest to the blog-o-sphere:   The Red Tent by Anita Dia.mant, The Alchemist by Paulo Coehl.o, and Travelling Mercies by Anne Lamott.   They are all wonderful books, and beautifully written.

7.  The only game I can beat my husband at is Scrabble.   He is a game-board wizard.   It's insanity.   But my love of reading helps me in the Scrabble department. :)

On to the Seven Bloggers!     It's so hard to just pick 7!   I think that I'm currently following about 20 blogs, and that most of them have already been nominated for this particular award.     These lovely ladies have helped me through some seriously difficult times:

Jo at Mojo working.    She's been going through a terrible time lately, and still finds the time to make the rounds and give support.   She's a really lovely person, who is in my thoughts and prayers continuously.

Michelle over at No, I'm not pregnant, just fat.   Michelle has such a wonderful snarky attitude, and alot of what she's saying sounds like it's directly out of my head.

Which Box at Which Box? was one of the first bloggers that I ever communicated with (before even starting a blog). She also blogs openly about her marriage, and trouble with in laws, and I have found a lot of comfort from her story.

Susie over at Six Months (at A Time) is in the middle of a cycle right now (I think her third IVF).    She has a great attitude, and I have my fingers crossed for her!

Nicole over at Anonymous Infertility Confessions (password protected).    Nicole has been incredibly supportive and seems to know just what to say to make someone feel better.    I'm so happy that she is expecting after so many years of TTC!

And also (even though I know they've already been nominated before)  I must shout out to  Katie at from If to When and Fertility Chick because they have both made me laugh, cry and ponder with their insight, creativity and wonderful blogging.   Thanks ladies!

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

My apologies

So last week, I accidentally posted on a friend's IRL blog with my anonymous blogger-log in.    While I quickly deleted the comment, it still  linked to my profile, which linked to my blog.     I asked her to delete and resubmit the post, but she was traveling unexpectedly until last night and couldn't get to it.

So, I'm back, I've been staying up with people's blogs, and I apologize for the quick drop off without explanation.


And better news, we had our 8 week appointment yesterday morning, and everything looks perfect so far!

Monday, February 1, 2010

Moving on?

Katie at From IF to When has a really great post today about what she calls "Infertility Amnesia."   Basically, the phenomena that some IFers tend to completely forget about their struggles after finally conceiving.    That they drop off the face of the earth, and no longer support all of the wonderful women that have helped them through their struggle.

I've been thinking about this from the other side for the past couple of weeks.   It is very much part of my thoughts in thinking about what to do with my own blog.    I like blogging a lot more than I thought I would.   When I first started this, it was very much something that I needed to do for my own sanity.   I didn't have anyone that understood, and I found all of these wonderful, loving, caring women to get me through it.   This blog was very much a cry for help, and the community that it brought me into was a savior of my mental well being.

Now that I'm (barely) on the other side, I'm left figuring out how best to transition and how to do it and not be offensive to those women that I've come to love and respect so much.    I haven't had much time to think about it after getting sick this week (seriously, I haven't been this sick in ages), but little bits have been swirling in my sickened haze.

I'm far from perfect.   Really, hugely far from perfect, but I want to be sure that I do this transition in a thoughtful, and purposeful way.    This preoccupation with "doing right" probably stems from the fact that I am typically a tactless and insensitive person, and I care about all the ladies here so very much.

I think I'm going to continue blogging.   I think it might be neat (and therapeutic for me) to continue a blog from the IF affects on marriage post conception.  


On a happy note, the illness is fading, though I'm home from work sick today.    I hope to be back to normal in the next couple of days.

Oh!  and I don't have a scanner, so I can't scan my U/S pics.   bummer!

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Really Sick

So I've been MIA because I caught a cold from my dad last weekend and have barely been able to get out of bed.   I've been reading everyone else's blogs, but haven't really been commenting cause I'm so tired.   I'll have a lot of catching up to do next week.

And thanks again to all of you and your kind words.   You are all wonderful.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010


I have been reluctant over the past couple of weeks to post anything substantial.   After all the crap "trying naturally" (with opks, etc etc), the idiopathic IF diagnosis, two IUIs:   To finally get pregnant on an off cycle makes me feel like a bit of a sham in this community.

I remember not being able to visit blogs where the person was a parent, or was expecting, and because of this, I will not make this blog about my pregnancy.  In fact, I'm considering moving to a different blog, with just a link to this one, or even quitting the blog altogether and just becoming a commenter.

Before this Hail Mary pregnancy, I had a few more posts that have been swirling in my head that I wanted to write about the state of my marriage.    I think that in the next couple of weeks, I will try to pound those out, and then let this blog wind down.   But I haven't decided for sure just yet, but it's on the horizon.

Monday, January 25, 2010


Had a follow up ultrasound with new OB/GYN (who we both REALLY liked) and there was a heartbeat, and the baby is measuring on target!   Yea!

Thanks for all of your support the past few weeks, ladies.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010


So the Beta from Monday was 1294.   So it looks good, and they will retest on Monday to make sure it is rising accordingly.

And on another positive note, nausea set in yesterday.   So hopefully this all means good things.  

We've decided to tell my parents this weekend, and I'll keep everyone posted as to what happens on Monday.

Thank you all SO MUCH for the kind words and support.   I really appreciate it.   You're all wonderful.

Monday, January 18, 2010

5w2d Ultrasound due to spotting

The update:
So after spotting on Saturday and Sunday, I called our new OB's office on Sunday afternoon and talked to the doctor on call.    She told me to come in and get an ultrasound, that 50% of women spot during the first trimester.

So Sweets and I went in today.   The gestational sac is measuring on target at 5w2d, but that's about all they can see.  They are a little concerned because most of my symptoms have disappeared, and so they drew a beta.   I should get the results to that by the end of the day, and I go in for a repeat in two days.   Then I go in one week for another ultrasound so they can check for a heartbeat/flutter.


We were planning on telling my parents this weekend, because we are headed to their house (a few hours away).   We will probably only do this if the betas come back with hopeful numbers.


Both Sweets and I are taking pessimistic views on this it seems.   I guess we're just waiting for the other shoe to drop, and we're already discussing contingency plans of IUIs etc.   It's just what IF does to us, isn't it?


We ran into one of Sweets' coworkers at the dr's office.    She immediately asked "So is there some good news??"   To which Sweets replied a quick "No."    Erg.   I hope that she doesn't go spreading around that she saw us there.   I really hope not, especially if this ends poorly.

Saturday, January 16, 2010


I can't say that I'm totally surprised, as my congestion resolved last night, but this morning I'm spotting.   Not a lot, but it's pink.   I know that this is not cause for total alarm, but I'm 5 weeks today, and I know that I've already implanted (there was brown spotting then).

And, of course it happens on a Saturday, and while Sweets is at work and my regular doctor isn't working.  Sweets' supposed to be on his way home shortly and I guess we'll discuss whether or not to go to the RE's office to pay (out of pocket) for an ultrasound.

Really, there isn't anything they can do if it IS miscarriage, so I don't know what we'll do.

Hopefully it's nothing.

Friday, January 15, 2010

When Life Hands You Lemons... Squirt them in the Eyes!

I have actually been thinking about this for the last few months, and have started a few posts that haven't worked out too well and deleted them. 

Infertility has done a lot of horrible things to myself and my marriage, but it has done my husband and me one gigantic favor:

It forced us to work through our issues before having children, and brought us closer together.

We are certainly still a work in progress (just see the last post), but we are getting there.    If we had easily gotten pregnant and had a baby by now, we certainly wouldn't have as strong a marriage as we do today.   I might even go so far as to say that we'd probably be headed down the road to divorce within the next year or two.

My favorite key chain is from David and Goliath and says "When life hands you lemons...  squirt them in the eyes!!"    I tend to be that sarcastic, high strung type of personality that fights back fire with fire and doesn't back down.  But, at some point in the past 2 or 3 years, I stopped fighting for my marriage.   Life with my husband was just too hard with us both having stressful careers, and him working 100+ hours a week.    We really let our relationship sit on the back burner.   I don't know when it started, but the degradation was slow but steady and it continued until we didn't recognize each other any more.

IF brought us back into the foreground and made us work on ourselves again, and for that I am grateful.   So thanks, IF, for giving me at least one good thing.

No snappy title

Nicole at  anonymousinfertilityconfessions hit the nail on the head this week when she said that "there's been a lot of horrible news in IF blogland" over the past couple of weeks.

Like her, I'd like to say that I completely understand if there are those of you who can't keep up on my blog now that I'm pregnant.  I totally get it, as I was just there also.


I stayed home from work sick yesterday so that I could catch up on some sleep.   I realized about three weeks ago that I have a huge amount of sick time banked up, and I won't be able to take it with me when I leave my job.   So I'm planning on using it.

I got some Breathe Right Strips, and they've helped a lot.    I have no idea why this is happening.   It may be some weird pregnancy thing, or allergies.   But it's not an illness, which I was hoping (so that it would just go away).


Sweets and I have been doing very well since the "realization."   He's been incredibly attentive and sweet, and it's been really nice.

Then, two nights ago, we got into a huge fight about our OB/GYN.      So, I've mentioned before that we had a bad experience during our HSG.  (this was done by our regular OB/GYN).   She botched the procedure twice, was late to the appointment, and then called me TWICE to give me the results, because she had forgotten that she already talked to me the day before.

But when I found out I was pregnant, I called and scheduled an appointment with her, because she's my regular doctor, and it was the easiest thing.   She's very highly ranked, and came with good recommendations on the whole "giving birth thing."   Which is frankly number one in my book.

Sweets would prefer that I go to another doctor at the practice (who he got to meet because she did one of our weekend IUIs, I'll call her Dr C).   But I'm uncomfortable switching to another doctor in the same practice...   Frankly, I just think that it's rude.   Plus, there is a 30% chance that the old doctor would end up delivering us, because of how they work the call schedule.   Talk about an awkward moment if she showed up to deliver the baby after we'd switched doctors!

So I decided to call my sister's doctor.  She LOVES this man.  And she had delivered two kids before hand, so she knew what to look for.   I take that recommendation seriously, even though I always said that I would NEVER go to a male doctor.  Now I'm certainly eating my words.

Sweets, on the other hand, was very comfortable with Dr C and didn't want to deal with a whole new doctor.      Finally, after rounds and rounds of rounds of it, I had to say that it's my body and me going through labor, so I get to choose the doctor.   I made an appointment with the male doc (Dr. L) and I'll see him right at 8 weeks for my first visit.

Surprisingly, Sweets calmed down a lot and I think he realized that he was being irrational.   I realize that I got way more angry than I should have (yea hormones!), but still think that it should be mainly my call when it comes to this.   Maybe I'm being irrational?   Does anyone else have husbands that feel like they should have a say in the OB/GYN?

Anyhoo, so we resolved things well, and have moved on nicely.   We've come a long way from where we were 6 months ago, that's for sure.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Sawing Wood

I have started snoring, and I'm not a snorer.   For the past three nights, I have kept myself awake nearly all night because I snore as soon as I get into a deep sleep.   It's the funniest thing!    It doesn't matter what position I'm in, I just snore.

And I end up having a sore throat at work the next day.    I can't tell if I'm getting sick, or if it's some sort of weird symptom.  

Weird, and a little bit hilarious.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010


I have a computer question, at the risk of sounding ridiculous.   I have to ask all yall, because this is a "secret" blog IRL, so I can't ask those that I normally would.   I googled it, but didn't find what I would consider "reliable" websites.

Mel over at Stirrup Queens has a HILARIOUS post about tracking how people find her blog.

How does one go about doing this?

Thanks much for any help!

Monday, January 11, 2010

Wisdom, or lack of it

I was reading a blog a few days ago by Mo (who I referenced in a previous post and who just experience a devastating loss). She was listing the absolutely insensitive things that people say to someone who has just lost a baby. Instead of simply saying "I'm Sorry" people feel the need to give reasons WHY the pregnancy didn't work out. I think back on my life, and all wonder about the people that I have interacted with that knew to say "I'm Sorry" to those who needed it.  I can't think of very many (which I'm sure is due to my poor memory and not because it didn't happen more frequently), but I do remember qualifying those people as "compassionate" or "wise." They were the people that many asked for advice or that were chosen to be confided in with sensitive news.

Does knowing this mark a person as one who has suffered? Is wisdom and compassion in cases such as these an acquired personality trait?

Perhaps not always, but I think back on those people, and wonder what terrible things happened in their life. What awful things did they go through? And I'm flabbergasted that I didn't notice before...

Sunday, January 10, 2010

No AF!

Alright, so I'm a full 36 hours from when AF should have shown, so I'm pretty sure that this isn't a chemical pregnancy.   Symptoms are very light, but I have sore boobs and light cramping and some serious bloating.     I kind of expected to really FEEL pregnant at this point, though.

I was scared enough that I've taken like 5 HPTs over the past 36 hours to make sure that the line is actually increasing in strength and not decreasing.   (it looks like it is.)

I'm going to call my doctor(s) tomorrow and ask what the procedure is.   See, if we go to our RE, we'll have an easy time getting an appointment, but we'll have to pay for everything.   If I call my regular OB/GYN, then I'll probably be told to wait until 6 weeks, and go in and have all the pre-natal stuff done.  (At no cost to us.)   I guess I'm not sure if they do a 6 week ultrasound in a regular OB's office, but I'll ask on the phone tomorrow.

Part of me is just thinking that I'll wait and see the regular OB.    If something goes poorly, there isn't really anything that my RE could do about it anyway, right?    Anyone have any advice about this?    It might be nice to know what the beta is, but we pay for everything out of pocket, and money is a little tight.   (Especially now that I think my working days are numbered.)


I can't stop smiling.   Sweets and I are both so happy.    But is SO WEIRD, because both of us are already coming up with contingency plans.  We're so shocked that it worked, and so beaten down by the IF, that I think both of us are expecting the worst.    This is normal pessimism for me, but Sweets is ever an optimist, so it's weird to hear it coming from his mouth, too.    We've both had to stop ourselves and just say "one day at a time."  

I'm still in shock.  very very good shock.

Friday, January 8, 2010

holy crap - BFP

First off, I'd like everyone that can to send some good thoughts/prayers over to Jo (and Mo) at MoJo Working.    She has had an extremely crazy past 48 hours and could use some support.


So, remember how we took off last cycle because of the holidays?  

I tested today (AF should show tomorrow).   I stopped testing somewhere in the middle of last year...

But today?


I called Sweets immediately and told him, and my next reaction was to call my mom.  But I stopped myself because part of me is convinced that it's not going to work out.  I'll give it a  few days.

We had been worried that our problem was that  fertilization was not occurring at all.   Maybe this has been happening all along and I just haven't caught it?   I don't know.

Holding on to hope for now, though.   :)

Monday, January 4, 2010

Coming Out

I have been thinking more and more about coming out of the IF "closet" to my family.    While I absolutely DREAD the actual conversation, I am thinking more and more that it would be easier to be around them if they knew the whole truth.  

I know that my silence about this is creating problems between myself an my mother.   I'm sure that it's also seeping into my other family relationships but I'm so caught up in it that I can't currently figure out how much.  

I'd also feel better with my husband telling his sister (which he's been wanting to do for awhile) once my family knows first.   yes, I know this is petty...  I can't help it.   can't. help. it.   I'm a terrible person.   I just dislike her SO MUCH.   But he really wants to tell her and I feel bad keeping him from doing it.  Though quite honestly some of the ways she and her sister were acting at Christmas make me wonder if he has already told her.   Maybe I'm just paranoid.

I worry, however, that the absolute opposite could happen.    What if they then feel the need to ask me  how it's going all the time?   I think that this would be logical once they know.   I also feel like they might then stare at my belly critically and try to figure out when I actually do become pregnant.   This would also be natural (I currently do it to my brother's new wife because I know that they are trying).  

Maybe I'll give it 6 more months.    I have mentally prepared myself that negative results in six months would mean that we move on to making the decision to live child-free or adopt.   At that point, we will have exhausted our natural IUI, and (possible) medicated IUI cycles.  

It's such a difficult decision!   And so much harder because you can't fix it if it turns out to be an awful choice.   Once it's out, it's out, and there isn't anything you can do about it.

Erg, I guess I'll keep mulling it over.   Has anyone out here told people and then wished that they hadn't?


Ahh, I have so many resolutions for this year!   I am going to list them out so that I am accountable.

1.  The ever present "lose 10-20 pounds."    While I have been working with a trainer one day a week to increase my strength (due to a back injury and a connective tissue problem that I have), I have not been doing my best to do cardio and regular work outs.   I started this weekend working out with my Wii fitness trainer.  (I'm on day 3, yea!)

2.   Lengthen my temper "fuse", especially in regards to my husband.   The both of us have gotten so sick of each other that we nip, and nag about the STUPIDEST things.  We are both going to work on this.   (this one is actually the most important in the list)

3.   Find a new job.   I am determined to pursue all my avenues of job hunting this year to try to make it out of my current position.

4.  Enjoy my life day to day, and the blessings that God has given me.    I'm finally coming to acceptance of this whole IF thing, I think.   I have good days, and bad days, but I'm definitely on an upswing.    I'm becoming able to enjoy life despite the IF, and I think that this is also helping my marriage.

5.   Learn to cook more than the 4 dishes that I already know.   Sweets usually does the cooking, and I'd like to give him a break on this.

So there are certainly more than this, but these are the big ones.   Bring it on, New Year!