CD1

So, I started spotting today, and fully expect AF tomorrow morning. I fully expected to not be pregnant, as I haven't felt any different and had a BFN on Wednesday morning. I'm still on the progesterone, and Sweets had convinced me that I wouldn't get AF at all until I stopped it. (Side note: is it normal to still get your period normally on pro.metrium?) So I was a little surprised at work this afternoon when I noticed the spotting, and was very thankful that it was later in the day and all my coworkers were gone.

So, we'll be taking this next cycle off from ART, because of the holidays, and will do another IUI January.

On a positive note, we are headed to my boss's tomorrow night for a party celebrating the first night of Hanukah. About a year ago, I learned that my previous boss was being forced out of our department, and that I was pretty much out of a job. But this new guy was joining the department, and was going to need someone with my expertise. I thought about it for a couple of days, and then actually decided not to work for him, and to stop working altogether (because we'd be pregnant any second, right?) I told him that we were working on starting a family, and I turned him down for the job. But he BEGGED me to work for him, and told me he'd take me for as long as I could work for him. At the time I thought this was a god-send and signed on.

Needless to say, things didn't go according to plan. Not only that, but from about July to September, he asked me every month if I was pregnant yet. (More like "how are things going... personally???......) I would dodge the question, say "fine" or something like that. I have tried hard not to give him any opportunity to ask me again. He also asked me repeatedly to tell him "as soon as I find out" to give him every opportunity to find a replacement for me. It makes me want to quit every. single. day. I'm just waiting for an excuse.

Anyway, they have been asking and asking to have us over for dinner, etc, and I've been coming up with excuses, but I think that a party situation is the best way to handle it.

So the positive part about this is: I'll be drinking. Heavily. And I'll make sure he notices.

If I had children...

I would want this for Christmas.

It's a heart necklace custom with two finger prints. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to publish the picture, so I've just linked to the etsy site.

I think it's beautiful.

N

A Better Person, Maybe

For awhile I've been thinking about how how this battle with IF has made me a more considerate person. Prior to IF I was a judgmental, unsympathetic and over-all oblivious person who considered herself rational. I simply couldn't understand why people faced with decisions (like adopting, etc) couldn't make decisions based on fact. I wasn't a horrible and unfeeling person, but things just seemed really black and white to me.

I was that person. The one who would have said "Why don't you just adopt?" or "I have a friend who just stopped trying and poof! They got pregnant!" Now, thankfully, I was NEVER put into that position, because most of my friends married after us, and have not started trying to add to their families. I don't have to look back and regret actually doing that to someone, which I count as a blessing.

I think that in part, this is a large reason that I have trepidation about telling those in my life about our struggle with IF. And I really don't blame people who react with the "adoption" or "advice" type comments, because I can certainly relate. I just simply don't want to hear it, or come up with canned responses for them.

After going through this whole IF process I have developed a lot as a person. And I look at all the women who have been through so much more than I have and wonder how they do it. I have a lot more empathy for those around me, and bite my tongue on a regular basis. I still have a long way to go, but I'm more aware now of my words and advice. I pay attention to what is unsaid in addition to what is voiced.

I can't help but wonder if God has led me down this path as a way to make me realize my faults. To help me grow as a person. To help make my marriage stronger as a result.

At least I hope so.

Pro.gesterone makes me crazy

So apparently, in addition to making me look 4 months pregnant, progesterone also makes me certifiably crazy. I'm now able to go from rational to absolutely nutters in 2.5 seconds!

This Saturday, Sweets dropped me off for my nine o'clock gym/training session and then took the car for the rest of the morning to work. He knew that this is my only weekend to complete all of our Xmas shopping, and that I'd do what shopping I could do around the house, but be waiting for the car to hit the mall when he made it home. I knew that he was bringing home a coworker to hang out for the rest of the day when they were both done at work.

I talked to him around 12:30 and he said he could bring the car home then, or wait for his other coworker to be ready which would take a couple of hours.

Now, Sweets has a SERIOUS problem making a decisions. He basically wants me to make decisions for everything from what we eat for dinner, etc. But in addition to this, he will tell me "no, I don't want that" as I suggest a hundred things. It drives me crazy on a normal day.

So, I tell him that he needs to make this decision. And he just repeats himself, "Well, I could come home if you want me to." Now, I'm sick of being the bad guy and making his decisions all the time. So I repeatedly tell him to make a decision, and when he doesn't, I get mad and hang up on him. (Childish, I know)

So I head out on the bus and hit a shopping area that is a mile or so away from my house. I did what shopping I could do, but after a few hours I was tired, and cranky and present laden. So I call Sweets and ask him if he's headed back any time soon because I'm tired, and cranky, the bus has been re-routed for construction and I'd have to walk about half way home to catch it. He tells me that he's on his way to lunch with a couple of coworkers so it might be awhile.

To which I FREAK. Completely, irrationally FREAK out. Crazy infertile comes out, screaming "NOW you're wasting your time going out to lunch with friends!?! While I'm running freaking errands and waiting for him to come back with the car?! You've got to be kidding me!"

And I tell him I'll find my own way home, and hang up on him. And refuse to pick up his phone calls, and start walking home. He texts me that he's on his way, and I tell him not to bother. I walked home (did I mention it was only 30 degrees?), and he came home anyway. And brings his coworker. I'm assuming as a buffer so that I wouldn't yell at him right then. Then his coworker stayed over for 6 freaking hours, basically right until I went to bed.

Now, I understand that I completely overreacted, and that this is not something I would have done with out the crazy hormones in my system. But I REALLY wanted him to pick me. To understand that I was doing something I HATE doing (Xmas shopping is evil) for the both of us, and the least he could have done was get me the car to make it easier. Or not planned to have lunch with his friends to drive me home.

Now I'm left wondering if I'll do the progesterone in subsequent cycles. I'm not sure if our relationship can handle me being so off kilter in addition to everything else.

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I have too many posts in my head swimming around that I want to write about. It's actually been preventing me from writing the past couple of days. I'm going to try to get them all out this week.

More Holiday Crazy

So, I was talking to Sweets last night and he mentioned that his mom has bowling on Saturday that we are there, and told us we were on our own for the night. (There is a possibility that she'll get out of it, but doesn't sound likely, or like she really wants to do that.)

So here's the timeline for our holiday.

W - 23rd - fly across country and arrive at 10 pm. drive 1 hour to MIL's house.

Th - 24th - Drive to SIL's house. Crazy will ensue.

F - 25th - Xmas

Sat - 26th - Drive back to MIL's house. She and (step) FIL will go out bowling

Sun - 27th - no plans, maybe extended family

Mon - fly home.

So I promptly tell Sweets that we should go into the large city that is ~ an hour away from MIL's house because we haven't been there in years. We can have a nice dinner or something, and just hang out together. He drags his feet about this because he doesn't want to get in the way of other peoples plans. (This, of course, makes me FREAK because of the way they are all behaving.)

I send MIL an email that says "Hey! Sweets just told me you're bowling on Saturday night, and I was thinking about hitting the big city. We haven't been there in years, and it would be so much fun. However, it doesn't make sense for us to drive all the way to your house just to double back to the big city, so would you mind dropping us off on the the way home? Not even all the way there, but to somewhere we could grab a train or bus would be great."

Her response? (paraphrase): " I mentioned to Sweets about bowling because I know it's your anniversary and maybe you'd like to do something together, so if you want to go into the city that day, that's fine with us. As for getting there, we will have our DOG WITH US, so we'll have to play it by ear. Maybe you'll have to get a ride from other SIL. Though there may be a bus right from SIL's small town. I'll figure out if there is a way to do it."

This has disaster written all over it. I read the email to Sweets and his response? "THAT'S not what she told me on the phone. She said that she has to play this game because of the way the league is run, and they've already missed too many games."

I wrote back a really nice email thanking her for being so thoughtful, and to let me know if she needs anything from us to make it happen. But I'm not counting on it. I also stated that we usually choose not to celebrate our anniversary because it's so close to Xmas, and we want to see the family. (Actually hadn't even known what day it was that weekend, because it's so not on my radar.)

The best part!?! I just realized that our anniversary is SUNDAY.

This is actually starting to be comical. It's making me laugh, which is a lot better than before. I never expect them to be something they aren't, and to not be selfish, but I'm working on getting Sweets on the same page, so that we can distance ourselves from the crazy at least a little bit.

huh?

So today is day 4 on prometrium/progesterone. Due to my irregular bleeding, the RE thought it was worth a shot.

I woke up this morning and almost couldn't zip my fat jeans. Yesterday I was super comfy in my one size down, and feeling like I'd lost some weight, even.

This is unbelievable! Holy crap!

Does anyone have any suggestions for de-bloating? (i may have just made up that word. Just sayin')

Letter to my SIL

When I wrote about the Christmas debacle of 2009, Michelle wisely suggested that I write out an email (and not send it) as a therapeutic exercise. I think it's a fabulous idea, so here goes.

Dear Sasha, (and MIL, and Fiona would be cc'd because they would get it forwarded to them anyway),

I am writing to share with you my feelings of frustration over the turn of events surrounding Christmas. I genuinely feel like you did not listen to Sweets' voiced concerns, and I would like to lay out our/my feelings on the subject. As all of you know, I am a straight forward person and while I have bit my tongue in the past, I feel like I need to get this out so that we are all on the same page.

In August, I sent an email asking you to pick a place for Christmas specifically to avoid this current scenario. As all of you know, traveling for long distances is hard on my back since I injured it working 4 years ago. Turning around to drive for at least three hours within 24 hours of flying across the country is difficult, and I was trying to avoid this. I knew that this was a possibility because we have routinely been forced to change our plans when we come to visit because of your change of plans, hence the email.

This is not to say that I do not understand your reason for wanting to meet at your house. I COMPLETELY get it. You have three kids, and it's difficult to travel with them. But NONE of this is new information from when we booked our tickets three months ago. NONE of it. I understand that your schedule had not been figured out, but a simple "I don't know my schedule. If I have time off, I'd like to do Xmas here, and if not, it would make sense for you to go to Mom's house" would have allowed us to make the decision to NOT travel for the holidays, and try again next year.

Quite frankly, it is incredibly selfish of you to do this to us time and time again. You suit yourself in absolutely every circumstance, and I am truly sick of it.

As Sweets hinted at on the phone with you, we do not want to spend a number of days crammed in a house with your children, who will be getting up at what would equal 3 or 4 am in the morning for us. We had this all decided at MIL's house, and had a cheap hotel room to go to. Now, we will be forced to spend 200+ dollars a night to stay in a hotel.

During your phone conversation with Sweets, you stated over and over again that this is the best way for everyone, and this was going to make for a better Christmas for all. Don't kid yourself. This makes for a better Christmas for YOU, and that's why you are rearranging everything this way. So own up to it.

Calling someone and asking them to change their plans NICELY, and ACKNOWLEDGING that you have screwed up is the way to handle a situation like this. It's common sense that you don't call them and tell them that this will be better for them, and try to convince them that you are right. You apologize, and ask nicely if they would consider rearranging all of their own plans. After all, you are the one imposing when you have already previously signed off on the plans. (OR in your case, ignored the email that I sent you and do whatever you want, which is what you always do.)

You have not once put yourself out to see us when we've come into town, and you certainly wouldn't travel to come and see us (though you don't mind making the cross country trip to your brother in law's house). For heaven's sake, you couldn't even make it to our wedding, bridal shower or stay for the entirety of our east coast reception.

After this holiday, we will no longer put ourselves out to accommodate you.

In addition, I have absolutely no desire to ride around with you on Christmas Eve to run errands and take your children to see Santa Claus. What would make you think that we would WANT to do that? We have no children, and this would be torture. I will be fine hanging out in our hotel room if that doesn't not work with your schedule.

Also, we will not be getting up at 6 am to watch your children open presents. As I have mentioned before, that's 3 am for us. I don't expect the kids to wait to open their gifts, but we don't need to be there for it. We can exchange with the family later in the morning.

I'm very sorry that it has come to this, but this was really the last straw for me.

Nixy

PS. "F" YOU YOU FERTILE, INSENSITIVE BITCH!

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If I was actually going to send this, I wouldn't have worded it quite so harshly. (I might be tactless, but I'm not stupid. :)) Actually, maybe the first half would stay the same.

I am teetering on whether or not to send the email or say something when we actually get there. I think that they need to know that this behavior is why we won't be traveling to see them for a holiday EVER again. I could just be passive aggressive like them and not mention it, and never bother to go, though.

Erg!