Friday, October 23, 2009

Disappointment (on so many levels)

The background
My parents have recently told me that they will help me to go back to school, should I choose to apply. I have tossed around going back to graduate or professional school for quite some time. The list of reasons for NOT applying to school has sort of looked like this:

1. We owe tons of money toward Sweets' schooling, and therefore could not afford to take on more debt.
2. We did not live near my family (until recently).
3. Sweets' chosen profession requires a quite large city to live in, and most of the grad programs I would be interested in are in small towns.
4. Having a family is number one priority, and I haven't wanted to work once I had children. Because we foolishly thought that this would be now, there seemed like there was no reason at all for me to go back to school, because I wouldn't be working.

disappointment number 1
Obviously, possibly not having children has put the wrench into the gears. I've pretty much banked all of my life decisions on the family card, and now that may be taken out of the deck, I have been forced to rethink the decisions I have made.

It now seems like the only problem we could have to hurdle is number 3. We could move to an area (in our same state) that would be 45 minute drive from a place that he could work, and I could go to school. It will take me at least 2 years to get my act together (take tests required, a few foundation classes, etc) before any sort of plan would be put into action. However, this would mean that Sweets compromises on his profession, and takes a job that a little less than perfect. Conversations on this topic have been less like conversations more like arguments.

disapointment number 2
Sweets has always said that I have been and EXTREMELY supportive spouse (especially of his professional choices). I suppose I thought that would be reciprocated, but isn't looking like it is. It is disappointing to me that he can't be what I need.

the worst disappointment?
I told him today that I think my mother is disappointed in him. (While she did not come out and say it, I felt that's how she was feeling during my discussion about them paying for school.) I get the feeling that she's upset that he's not making enough money to support me and a family while paying of his loans. She is incredibly proud of all that he has done, but probably thinks that by now he should have all of his stuff figured out. My parents see that I did not return to school for financial reasons, and want that to not be a worry for me.

I foolishly did not expect him to take it as hard as he thought. He took it much worse than any of the conversations I've had with him about how I'M stressed/upset about fertility, finances and savings, etc. I'm left to contemplate why this has hit him so hard? With all of the failures that we've been facing recently why is it MY mother of all things that finally got a reaction? Is it because it hits him in his professional life and his decisions there? Is that worth so much more than our FAMILY?

Sigh. I feel like I don't know how to be a good wife right now. I need a break.

1 comment:

  1. There's an interesting book I want to recommend. Called his Needs, Her Needs. It's written from a christian perspective. (there's also a website if you google around). Basically the book outlines that men and women tihnk differently and have different priorities and needs. And meeting your partners needs is what is important (not giving your partner what YOU want - giving them what THEY want, even if it's not something that you yourself value). PRe-martial problems, I would have thought this book was dumb. But it's made some sense in our lives.

    Anyway, I mention it because to men, being seen as the provider can be incredibly important to them. So I can see why your MIL being disappointed it a big hit on his view of himself as the head of the family. My husband has told me that when our daughter was born, he redoubled his efforts at his work, because it was suddenly more important than ever that he do a good job professionally to continue to bring in $$ to support his family. I was amazied how important it was to him - something that never ould have occurred to me at all.