Monday, October 19, 2009

His Dysfunction


To me, Sweetie's biggest problem is his complete inability to apologize, admit he was wrong or communicate in any way. He is NOT the typical jock I-don't-share-my-emotions type of person, he just cannot admit fault.

For instance, if he knocks a glass full of wine over (which he did at my sister's house, onto a white suede chair) he will simply say "oh, I was reaching for the soup" as if explaining why it happened is some sort of apology.


This is amplified by one of my personal faults: It is incredibly difficult for me to forgive someone unless I am apologized to. As a Christian, this is probably the number one thing that I struggle to right about myself.


I don't think that anyone reading this can't see where it's heading. I blame my husband for the problems that we are having. I am ANGRY at him. VERY VERY angry at him for making me wait. Even in the face of medical problems known to give problems conceiving. I am angry at him for belittling my pain. I am angry at him for not being supportive even now that we are having real problems conceiving and I am being drawn into a deep pit of despair. I am angry that I will probably be at least 31 by the time we have children (adopted, fostered or otherwise) I am MOST ANGRY at him for not apologizing for his role in all of this. If he would man up and act a little guilty or upset about doing this, I think I could move past it.


But all I do is cry, and he tells me that I'm being silly,
that we don't even know what is wrong,
that technically we've only been trying for 11 months so we aren't actually infertile yet,
that I've always wanted to be a foster parent so we'll just do that... (which doesn't really sound like he believes the first things he said, does it?)

And it just makes me feel alone, and awful, and even more sad then I already am.

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