Sunday, October 18, 2009

The Sordid Details

How the cracks formed:

We married in 2003 at the age of 24 and after 2 years of dating and an additional year of living together. My husband and I put off a family "for a couple of years" because of his schooling and very long, intense training (and we were just plain young). But, I had always told him that I wanted to be a mom before the age of 28, and preferably sooner. To this end, I worked to put him through school, and did not pursue a career that I would have loved because I have always known that I wanted to stay at home while my children were small.

The pressure started in around 2005, when I was seriously getting the "itch." My husband (I'll call him Sweets) would doggedly tell me "two more years." But was still never ready. Not even in 2007 after I started having bleeding and pain, leading to an ultrasound and finally diagnosis of adenomyosis. The diagnosis crushed me because of the implications. Highly associated with endometriosis, there was a good chance that this would affect my fertility. I beg him to start trying, and he refuses. This is a dark time in our marriage filled with much crying and fighting. I seriously consider leaving him, but don't for a multitude of reasons (which I'm sure I will get into).

In 2008, we decide to move closer to my family (for which I am SO grateful). I get a new doctor, who does not believe the diagnosis because adenomyosis is difficult to diagnose via ultrasound. She refuses my request to have the ultrasound results sent to her from previous doctor, and repeats her own ultrasound, which is clear. She is condescending and tells me to take Advil for my cramps and deal with it. Sweets decides that everything is in my head, and that there is/was nothing wrong with me.

6 months later, he's ready to start trying, and we do. As the months wear on, it becomes more and more apparent that whatever is wrong with me is probably more serious than "second doctor" has said.

I followed the typical pattern. For the first few months, I would giggle as I hit the store to buy pregnancy tests each month, and act a little dismayed when they kept turning up negative. Then, I moved on to the OPKs, found out I was ovulating different days each month (though always 12-14 days) and figured AHA! That's the problem! So we started trying a little harder, and then a little harder. Somewhere around month 7, I started to loose it, and have been crumbling away a little bit more each month.

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