Really Sick

So I've been MIA because I caught a cold from my dad last weekend and have barely been able to get out of bed.   I've been reading everyone else's blogs, but haven't really been commenting cause I'm so tired.   I'll have a lot of catching up to do next week.

And thanks again to all of you and your kind words.   You are all wonderful.

Poser

I have been reluctant over the past couple of weeks to post anything substantial.   After all the crap "trying naturally" (with opks, etc etc), the idiopathic IF diagnosis, two IUIs:   To finally get pregnant on an off cycle makes me feel like a bit of a sham in this community.

I remember not being able to visit blogs where the person was a parent, or was expecting, and because of this, I will not make this blog about my pregnancy.  In fact, I'm considering moving to a different blog, with just a link to this one, or even quitting the blog altogether and just becoming a commenter.

Before this Hail Mary pregnancy, I had a few more posts that have been swirling in my head that I wanted to write about the state of my marriage.    I think that in the next couple of weeks, I will try to pound those out, and then let this blog wind down.   But I haven't decided for sure just yet, but it's on the horizon.

6w2d

Had a follow up ultrasound with new OB/GYN (who we both REALLY liked) and there was a heartbeat, and the baby is measuring on target!   Yea!

Thanks for all of your support the past few weeks, ladies.

Beta

So the Beta from Monday was 1294.   So it looks good, and they will retest on Monday to make sure it is rising accordingly.

And on another positive note, nausea set in yesterday.   So hopefully this all means good things.  

We've decided to tell my parents this weekend, and I'll keep everyone posted as to what happens on Monday.

Thank you all SO MUCH for the kind words and support.   I really appreciate it.   You're all wonderful.

5w2d Ultrasound due to spotting

The update:
So after spotting on Saturday and Sunday, I called our new OB's office on Sunday afternoon and talked to the doctor on call.    She told me to come in and get an ultrasound, that 50% of women spot during the first trimester.

So Sweets and I went in today.   The gestational sac is measuring on target at 5w2d, but that's about all they can see.  They are a little concerned because most of my symptoms have disappeared, and so they drew a beta.   I should get the results to that by the end of the day, and I go in for a repeat in two days.   Then I go in one week for another ultrasound so they can check for a heartbeat/flutter.

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We were planning on telling my parents this weekend, because we are headed to their house (a few hours away).   We will probably only do this if the betas come back with hopeful numbers.

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Both Sweets and I are taking pessimistic views on this it seems.   I guess we're just waiting for the other shoe to drop, and we're already discussing contingency plans of IUIs etc.   It's just what IF does to us, isn't it?

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We ran into one of Sweets' coworkers at the dr's office.    She immediately asked "So is there some good news??"   To which Sweets replied a quick "No."    Erg.   I hope that she doesn't go spreading around that she saw us there.   I really hope not, especially if this ends poorly.

Spotting

I can't say that I'm totally surprised, as my congestion resolved last night, but this morning I'm spotting.   Not a lot, but it's pink.   I know that this is not cause for total alarm, but I'm 5 weeks today, and I know that I've already implanted (there was brown spotting then).

And, of course it happens on a Saturday, and while Sweets is at work and my regular doctor isn't working.  Sweets' supposed to be on his way home shortly and I guess we'll discuss whether or not to go to the RE's office to pay (out of pocket) for an ultrasound.

Really, there isn't anything they can do if it IS miscarriage, so I don't know what we'll do.

Hopefully it's nothing.

When Life Hands You Lemons... Squirt them in the Eyes!

I have actually been thinking about this for the last few months, and have started a few posts that haven't worked out too well and deleted them. 

Infertility has done a lot of horrible things to myself and my marriage, but it has done my husband and me one gigantic favor:

It forced us to work through our issues before having children, and brought us closer together.

We are certainly still a work in progress (just see the last post), but we are getting there.    If we had easily gotten pregnant and had a baby by now, we certainly wouldn't have as strong a marriage as we do today.   I might even go so far as to say that we'd probably be headed down the road to divorce within the next year or two.

My favorite key chain is from David and Goliath and says "When life hands you lemons...  squirt them in the eyes!!"    I tend to be that sarcastic, high strung type of personality that fights back fire with fire and doesn't back down.  But, at some point in the past 2 or 3 years, I stopped fighting for my marriage.   Life with my husband was just too hard with us both having stressful careers, and him working 100+ hours a week.    We really let our relationship sit on the back burner.   I don't know when it started, but the degradation was slow but steady and it continued until we didn't recognize each other any more.

IF brought us back into the foreground and made us work on ourselves again, and for that I am grateful.   So thanks, IF, for giving me at least one good thing.

No snappy title

Nicole at  anonymousinfertilityconfessions hit the nail on the head this week when she said that "there's been a lot of horrible news in IF blogland" over the past couple of weeks.

Like her, I'd like to say that I completely understand if there are those of you who can't keep up on my blog now that I'm pregnant.  I totally get it, as I was just there also.

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I stayed home from work sick yesterday so that I could catch up on some sleep.   I realized about three weeks ago that I have a huge amount of sick time banked up, and I won't be able to take it with me when I leave my job.   So I'm planning on using it.

I got some Breathe Right Strips, and they've helped a lot.    I have no idea why this is happening.   It may be some weird pregnancy thing, or allergies.   But it's not an illness, which I was hoping (so that it would just go away).

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Sweets and I have been doing very well since the "realization."   He's been incredibly attentive and sweet, and it's been really nice.

Then, two nights ago, we got into a huge fight about our OB/GYN.      So, I've mentioned before that we had a bad experience during our HSG.  (this was done by our regular OB/GYN).   She botched the procedure twice, was late to the appointment, and then called me TWICE to give me the results, because she had forgotten that she already talked to me the day before.

But when I found out I was pregnant, I called and scheduled an appointment with her, because she's my regular doctor, and it was the easiest thing.   She's very highly ranked, and came with good recommendations on the whole "giving birth thing."   Which is frankly number one in my book.

Sweets would prefer that I go to another doctor at the practice (who he got to meet because she did one of our weekend IUIs, I'll call her Dr C).   But I'm uncomfortable switching to another doctor in the same practice...   Frankly, I just think that it's rude.   Plus, there is a 30% chance that the old doctor would end up delivering us, because of how they work the call schedule.   Talk about an awkward moment if she showed up to deliver the baby after we'd switched doctors!

So I decided to call my sister's doctor.  She LOVES this man.  And she had delivered two kids before hand, so she knew what to look for.   I take that recommendation seriously, even though I always said that I would NEVER go to a male doctor.  Now I'm certainly eating my words.

Sweets, on the other hand, was very comfortable with Dr C and didn't want to deal with a whole new doctor.      Finally, after rounds and rounds of rounds of it, I had to say that it's my body and me going through labor, so I get to choose the doctor.   I made an appointment with the male doc (Dr. L) and I'll see him right at 8 weeks for my first visit.

Surprisingly, Sweets calmed down a lot and I think he realized that he was being irrational.   I realize that I got way more angry than I should have (yea hormones!), but still think that it should be mainly my call when it comes to this.   Maybe I'm being irrational?   Does anyone else have husbands that feel like they should have a say in the OB/GYN?

Anyhoo, so we resolved things well, and have moved on nicely.   We've come a long way from where we were 6 months ago, that's for sure.

Sawing Wood

I have started snoring, and I'm not a snorer.   For the past three nights, I have kept myself awake nearly all night because I snore as soon as I get into a deep sleep.   It's the funniest thing!    It doesn't matter what position I'm in, I just snore.

And I end up having a sore throat at work the next day.    I can't tell if I'm getting sick, or if it's some sort of weird symptom.  

Weird, and a little bit hilarious.

Blog-tracking

I have a computer question, at the risk of sounding ridiculous.   I have to ask all yall, because this is a "secret" blog IRL, so I can't ask those that I normally would.   I googled it, but didn't find what I would consider "reliable" websites.

Mel over at Stirrup Queens has a HILARIOUS post about tracking how people find her blog.

How does one go about doing this?

Thanks much for any help!

Wisdom, or lack of it

I was reading a blog a few days ago by Mo (who I referenced in a previous post and who just experience a devastating loss). She was listing the absolutely insensitive things that people say to someone who has just lost a baby. Instead of simply saying "I'm Sorry" people feel the need to give reasons WHY the pregnancy didn't work out. I think back on my life, and all wonder about the people that I have interacted with that knew to say "I'm Sorry" to those who needed it.  I can't think of very many (which I'm sure is due to my poor memory and not because it didn't happen more frequently), but I do remember qualifying those people as "compassionate" or "wise." They were the people that many asked for advice or that were chosen to be confided in with sensitive news.


Does knowing this mark a person as one who has suffered? Is wisdom and compassion in cases such as these an acquired personality trait?


Perhaps not always, but I think back on those people, and wonder what terrible things happened in their life. What awful things did they go through? And I'm flabbergasted that I didn't notice before...

No AF!

Alright, so I'm a full 36 hours from when AF should have shown, so I'm pretty sure that this isn't a chemical pregnancy.   Symptoms are very light, but I have sore boobs and light cramping and some serious bloating.     I kind of expected to really FEEL pregnant at this point, though.

I was scared enough that I've taken like 5 HPTs over the past 36 hours to make sure that the line is actually increasing in strength and not decreasing.   (it looks like it is.)

I'm going to call my doctor(s) tomorrow and ask what the procedure is.   See, if we go to our RE, we'll have an easy time getting an appointment, but we'll have to pay for everything.   If I call my regular OB/GYN, then I'll probably be told to wait until 6 weeks, and go in and have all the pre-natal stuff done.  (At no cost to us.)   I guess I'm not sure if they do a 6 week ultrasound in a regular OB's office, but I'll ask on the phone tomorrow.

Part of me is just thinking that I'll wait and see the regular OB.    If something goes poorly, there isn't really anything that my RE could do about it anyway, right?    Anyone have any advice about this?    It might be nice to know what the beta is, but we pay for everything out of pocket, and money is a little tight.   (Especially now that I think my working days are numbered.)

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I can't stop smiling.   Sweets and I are both so happy.    But is SO WEIRD, because both of us are already coming up with contingency plans.  We're so shocked that it worked, and so beaten down by the IF, that I think both of us are expecting the worst.    This is normal pessimism for me, but Sweets is ever an optimist, so it's weird to hear it coming from his mouth, too.    We've both had to stop ourselves and just say "one day at a time."  

I'm still in shock.  very very good shock.

holy crap - BFP

First off, I'd like everyone that can to send some good thoughts/prayers over to Jo (and Mo) at MoJo Working.    She has had an extremely crazy past 48 hours and could use some support.

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So, remember how we took off last cycle because of the holidays?  

I tested today (AF should show tomorrow).   I stopped testing somewhere in the middle of last year...

But today?

BFP

I called Sweets immediately and told him, and my next reaction was to call my mom.  But I stopped myself because part of me is convinced that it's not going to work out.  I'll give it a  few days.

We had been worried that our problem was that  fertilization was not occurring at all.   Maybe this has been happening all along and I just haven't caught it?   I don't know.

Holding on to hope for now, though.   :)

Coming Out

I have been thinking more and more about coming out of the IF "closet" to my family.    While I absolutely DREAD the actual conversation, I am thinking more and more that it would be easier to be around them if they knew the whole truth.  

I know that my silence about this is creating problems between myself an my mother.   I'm sure that it's also seeping into my other family relationships but I'm so caught up in it that I can't currently figure out how much.  

I'd also feel better with my husband telling his sister (which he's been wanting to do for awhile) once my family knows first.   yes, I know this is petty...  I can't help it.   can't. help. it.   I'm a terrible person.   I just dislike her SO MUCH.   But he really wants to tell her and I feel bad keeping him from doing it.  Though quite honestly some of the ways she and her sister were acting at Christmas make me wonder if he has already told her.   Maybe I'm just paranoid.

I worry, however, that the absolute opposite could happen.    What if they then feel the need to ask me  how it's going all the time?   I think that this would be logical once they know.   I also feel like they might then stare at my belly critically and try to figure out when I actually do become pregnant.   This would also be natural (I currently do it to my brother's new wife because I know that they are trying).  

Maybe I'll give it 6 more months.    I have mentally prepared myself that negative results in six months would mean that we move on to making the decision to live child-free or adopt.   At that point, we will have exhausted our natural IUI, and (possible) medicated IUI cycles.  

It's such a difficult decision!   And so much harder because you can't fix it if it turns out to be an awful choice.   Once it's out, it's out, and there isn't anything you can do about it.

Erg, I guess I'll keep mulling it over.   Has anyone out here told people and then wished that they hadn't?

Resolutions

Ahh, I have so many resolutions for this year!   I am going to list them out so that I am accountable.

1.  The ever present "lose 10-20 pounds."    While I have been working with a trainer one day a week to increase my strength (due to a back injury and a connective tissue problem that I have), I have not been doing my best to do cardio and regular work outs.   I started this weekend working out with my Wii fitness trainer.  (I'm on day 3, yea!)

2.   Lengthen my temper "fuse", especially in regards to my husband.   The both of us have gotten so sick of each other that we nip, and nag about the STUPIDEST things.  We are both going to work on this.   (this one is actually the most important in the list)

3.   Find a new job.   I am determined to pursue all my avenues of job hunting this year to try to make it out of my current position.

4.  Enjoy my life day to day, and the blessings that God has given me.    I'm finally coming to acceptance of this whole IF thing, I think.   I have good days, and bad days, but I'm definitely on an upswing.    I'm becoming able to enjoy life despite the IF, and I think that this is also helping my marriage.

5.   Learn to cook more than the 4 dishes that I already know.   Sweets usually does the cooking, and I'd like to give him a break on this.

So there are certainly more than this, but these are the big ones.   Bring it on, New Year!