I suppose I should re-visit the whole arena of why we aren't telling people about what is going on in our lives. Or why _I_ don't want to tell people about our IF status, because I think that Sweets would be completely willing to do that (he thinks that it would shut people up, and I don't agree). The main reason is my mother. She is a Gossip. The kind of busybody that doesn't have much to do but talk about everyone else, TO everyone else. My family is actually pretty close, and for the most part we simply don't tell her things that we don't want everyone else to know. I should note that she does great with short-termed news, like first trimester pregnancy announcements. But anything longer than that and the "If I tell you something, will you promise not to repeat it?.... " starts to creep out of her.
Our relationship has been disintegrating over the past few months, and I know that she is dumbfounded as to why it's happening. Part of me is VERY angry at her for her personality and this makes me angry at myself for feeling this way.
She can't help it! She can't! It's just in her DNA! My rational self screams at me.
I don't care! I need my mother and I can't tell her any of this! Screams back the Crazy IFer.
And so I have chosen to keep her at arms length. indefinitely. I feel like eventually we will get pregnant and it will be come a non-issue, but as the months wear on and on it's just becoming harder and harder.
And part of me realizes that she's probably just gossiping about me ANYWAY, and making up her own ideas about what is really wrong. Maybe I should just tell her and get everything out in the open.
I understand what you're talking about. It's why I chose to tell several people about our miscarriages and I didn't want to seem mean/crabby/etc. However, the "gossip" issue throws a definite wrench in things. You need to do whatever feels right for you. There's no right or wrong.
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I struggle to know who I should and should not tell about IF. My parents, DH's parents and a very few close friends know. Basically, we told people who we think can be supportive (some people are well-meaning but can't actually be supportive) and won't blab. It does feel good to get it out in the open but I understand your reservations about not telling your mom.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like our mom's are cut from the same cloth. Loose lips sink ships, or relationships with their daughters in our cases. Good luck in your TTC journey.
ReplyDeleteNixy,
ReplyDeleteI linked over here from my blog and am so glad you commented today. I've read your posts, and I feel your frustration and heartache. I, too, have battled with both the desire to keep our problems private and with the desire to connect with someone, anyone, who can identify with the disastrous effects infertility has had on our marriage. There are too few people willing to be honest about being in a difficult marriage, the emotions and reasons behind it, why we stay, why we leave. I'm so damn glad to have found someone else who can identify.
Oh, and you really should do IComLeavWe. It's an amazing way to find other bloggers who you can identify with and who can give you support.
In the meantime, take care of you.
Hugs,
Jo
It's such a difficult thing to do, I totally support your decision to go with your instincts.
ReplyDeleteI didn't tell me mother about my mcs and fertility issues for about a year because I couldn't. However, I got very angry about the inappropriate things she and others said to me and figured that unless I told them they wouldn't be able to make allowances.
In the months after I told her she called me several times to tell me what her friends' children, her hairdresser's sister and some woman from down the road have done about their IF (having shared my 'news'). I got angry at the time but it was worth gritting my teeth through that, when I've really needed her she has been there.
If and when the time comes you can change your mind in a second but if it feels right to protect yourself right now do it.
It's such a difficult thing to do, I totally support your decision to go with your instincts.
ReplyDeleteI didn't tell me mother about my mcs and fertility issues for about a year because I couldn't. However, I got very angry about the inappropriate things she and others said to me and figured that unless I told them they wouldn't be able to make allowances.
In the months after I told her she called me several times to tell me what her friends' children, her hairdresser's sister and some woman from down the road have done about their IF (having shared my 'news'). I got angry at the time but it was worth gritting my teeth through that, when I've really needed her she has been there.
If and when the time comes you can change your mind in a second but if it feels right to protect yourself right now do it.
Tough call. It's definitely a messy topic to discuss. There are so many pros and cons to weigh up when it comes to telling people. I hope the problem resolves itself soon - in the best way possible.
ReplyDeleteBea
Ugh. I'm so sorry to hear about this. It sounds like such a no-win situations. I don't have any advice but just know that you are not alone in this crazy journey to parenthood.
ReplyDeleteAre we sisters? I can totally relate. I did eventually go for telling my mother, with mixed results. It's nice not to have to bottle things up, but there is definitely a price to pay. Good luck making a decision.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the kind words. I am certainly assuming that we'll be telling eventually (probably sooner rather than later), but I guess I'm just not yet prepared for what will then ensue.
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