Counseling Session Number Two

Sweets and I attended our second counseling session last night. Things have been really good the past two weeks since our last session. We talked about our problems with his family for the holiday season, and I talked about how great it was that Sweets and I are finally on the same page about the crazy that they throw at us.

It used to be that his family would do something like this (see previous post) and Sweets would try to defend their actions, or tell me that I was overreacting to the situation. But he told the counselor tonight that he "finally saw through their manipulations" and that helped him to be a little more straightforward with them. He wasn't super direct, but he let them know that he/we weren't happy about the whole situation, which is a HUGE step for him.

The counselor told us that she thought we were working with each other really well, and we scheduled our next appointment for AFTER the holidays.

Afterwards, we drove through to get some fast food (yuck, I know) and Sweets asked me "Is it helping you to talk to this woman? Are you getting something out of it?"

"Yeah, because it helps you to talk things through with out becoming a jerk."

This was far too straight forward. I have a serious problem with being too direct some times. One of the biggest problems that we have is that Sweets escalates perfectly rational conversations into all out debates nearly immediately. He feels the need to convince everyone he's right, even when there isn't a wrong/right side. This also goes hand in hand with his inability to apologize about ANYTHING. I meant to say this in a nicer way, and I failed miserably.

He didn't say anything about it, but then picked a fight with me when we got home about the curtains being open. Realizing that this was not actually about curtains, I told him to go stop picking a fight and come talk to me when he decided he wanted to have a real conversation.

Sigh. Two steps forward, one step back.

In laws and Holiday Crazy

This morning, we got a call from Sweets' sister. She has decided that Christmas will now be held at her house, so that she doesn't have to travel with her three kids (and she's pregnant with #4) for 2 hours (4 in traffic) on Christmas.

Now, I believe that I have mentioned before that she is a selfish creature, and that she has done this to us before. Sweets' entire family is terrible at making plans, and that would all be fine, except that we have to fly across the country to get to them. Which means that we need to know months in advance WHERE the family is convening. It has routinely been a problem.

This year, I sent everyone an email in August saying that we'd really like to join them for one of the holidays this year, but tickets are expensive, so we'd like them to pick which of the holidays, and where it would be. I really thought that this would combat all of the problems that they had in the past.

The plan WAS that we fly to their mom's house, stay there for a night, and then in a hotel for a couple of nights when the sister comes down to invade the house with all of her children. I should add that we WANT to stay at a hotel for this time, because of a debacle a couple years ago where she dumped her kids off, and went to stay at a hotel herself, leaving us to watch her kids for her. (It was awful awful awful.)

We already have our tickets. To Sweets' mothers house. 150 miles away from his sister and in another state. But we're expected to have no problem getting in a car and driving all that way after flying across the country. Especially when we could have just bought tickets to her house in the first place.

-------

Spending the holiday with a pregnant person was going to be hard enough. But, she's already planned our Christmas Eve, which consists of following her around to drop off her Christmas presents to people, and take her children to see Santa Claus and get pictures of them. Who in their right mind thinks that other people want to do this with them? Do I have the right to refuse to do this with them?

We got online right away and booked a hotel room; which of course is now 230 bucks a night because it's so f-ing close to the day. I told him I would go, but I refused to stay at her house and Sweets firmly told them that we would not be staying with them. We'll be three hours behind them, and I'm not going to add sleep deprivation to the list of torture that week.

The icing on the cake is that we are SITTING OUT a cycle to be there with them on Christmas (because I should actually be ovulating on Xmas day).

I certainly feel like writing out an email to them all, which I know is probably a bad idea. I certainly know that we will NEVER plan another Christmas with them. I can deal with it (and should say that I normally do) during a normal vacation, but this is just too damn much. Maybe I'll wait until afterwards. I do know that I'm going to have a really hard time keeping my mouth shut about all of this, and am hoping the anger fades in the next four weeks.

Thanksgiving recap

So lots of little things happened this Thanksgiving.

First, it was the 9th anniversary of Sweets and my first date. We have decided this year that we aren't giving each other presents for anything (holidays or anniversary) because the IF treatments are so expensive, and we have zero health insurance coverage. Now, we are lucky that we have no mortgage so that we can actually afford to pay the RE bills. I used to see NOT having a house as a major curse, and now I actually believe that G-d was preparing us for the whole IF journey.

Anyhoo, we woke up on Thursday morning to cook the turkey, and Sweets whips out a jewelry box. "Just a little something because your wonderful, and to remind you of me." He says. And I burst out crying. Inside was a delicate silver bracelet, one that I can wear all the time to remind me of him. I had gotten him a card, and written the ten reasons I was thankful for him in it. It felt woefully inadequate, but he got teary eyed reading it. It was a good morning.

------------

We cooked the turkey and transported it to my sister's house, where we ate a big meal, and played some games. We talked and laughed, and my sister in law was drinking, which means she's not pregnant yet, and I had half been expecting a pregnancy announcement from them.

My sister has a very bad habit of talking about the rest of the family in front of her kids. I have personally witnessed her two oldest children confronting other family members with things that they've heard their mom discussing. I usually keep my head down and off the radar, but I guess it was only a matter of time.

At some point, my 8 year old niece looked at me and asked "Are you ever going to have a baby?" I simply replied "Eventually."

This probably means that my mother and sister were talking about me during their preparations for the big dinner. It drives me crazy because I knew it was going to happen. I guess my REAL problem with the whole situation is that it's just disappointing that I wasn't wrong.

The up side of this, however, is that I think it means that they are going to stop pestering me about it. At least a girl can hope.

Ten

Given the Holiday, and the nature of this blog, I've decided to list 10 reasons that I am thankful for my husband. I'm working hard to erase the negative influence of infertility on my marriage, and last night, I was lying awake and I realized number one on the list:

I am thankful...

1. that my husband lets me absolutely hog the bed. And the covers. He'll even lay stick straight all night long. I have no idea how he sleeps like that.

2. for my husband's blind faith in God. He reminds me to be a better Christian (without actually reminding me).

3. that he straightens the house. Because I HATE doing it. Hate hate hate it. But I LOVE having a neat house. (don't ask how that works, it doesn't make sense).

4. that he likes to cook, and is so very good at it.

5. that he doesn't worry about money like I do.

6. that he was alright settling thousands of miles away from his family, so that we could be close to mine.

7. for his musical talent. I love hearing him play the guitar.

8. for his abilities to do anything with electronic equipment or computers.

9. for his willingness to travel at my pace with this whole infertility craziness, even though he may not agree with it.

10. for the good times and bad times over the 9 years we've been together, and 6 married. As I look back on the years, it seems like the bad times have drawn us closer together, and I'm hoping that weathering the IF storm does the same.

No internet and new RE visit

The internet has been down at my house, which is seriously cramping my ICLW and blogging this week. Hopefully we figure it out soon, so I can stop using my work hours to do this. tee hee.

We had our first in person visit with our RE yesterday. She did an ultrasound and says that my ovaries and lining look great, and that my antral follicles look good. She thinks I'll surge today and ovulate tomorrow (yeah turkey day). But my OPK this morning looked very low, so I'm thinking (and hoping) that the IUI won't be tomorrow so I won't have to worry about it on the holiday.

She also thinks that my spotting during luteal phase is due to low progesterone, and has prescribed Pro.metrium for this month. She seems knowledgeable, and is the first person to sound concerned at all about my spotting issues (which I have previously thought may be an issue).

We also learned something new about Sweets' SA. Turns out that his strict morphology is only 7% (Kruger score). This means that while he has tons of sperm, most of them aren't perfect. Apparently this is only a problem if he had a low sperm count, or if the percentage was less than 4. So he's a "borderline," but the Dr thinks that's probably not really going to hinder us because his other numbers look so good.

So, we're doing one more natural IUI, then a completely natural cycle due to my ovulation in December probably being smack dab on Xmas day. If neither of those work, we'll move on to Letra.zole in January.

Everything is still about as clear as mud, but I'm glad to have an action plan. At this point, I'd rather be doing and failing than wandering aimlessly like we have been for the past few months.

My first ICLW

Hi ICLW ers!

Welcome to my blog. I started blogging just a few weeks ago, amid a serious marital crisis brought on by infertility. We are new to the infertility game, and are "only" starting our second IUI this week. Married for 6 years, and I have been pressuring Sweets for kids for about four or those years. I have past medical history of pelvic pain and irregular bleeding which led to an ultrasound "diagnosis" of adenomyosis (I have been told by subsequent OB/GYNs that this is not diagnosable via ultrasound). After that diagnosis, I had a complete breakdown and begged for kids, but Sweets said no.

That was the start of what I would consider the falling apart of our marriage. I was so hurt, and angry that he could be so selfish that I shut down a lot of myself. Now that we've been trying for over a year, and have a failed treatment under our belts, I have become MORE angry. I realize that this doesn't help matters, but I can't help it. He, on the other hand, has started to claim some responsibility, and understand how I've been feeling about all of this.

We started seeing a counselor last week, and things are finally looking up. I feel much better about everything than I did even two months ago. This is our road to recovery, whether it includes our own baby or not.

Silver Lining

Tonight, I am going to a show. Not a Broadway show, but a small venue rock concert of one of my favorite bands. It's not a mainstream name, but they have been around (at least on my radar) for the last 10 years or so. I won't give their name for fear of being found out.

And tomorrow is New Moon!! (The new Twilight movie for those that don't know...) I'm one of THOSE people. I love the books. I've read them 6 times. I should qualify that I am a Reader. I'd rather read than watch TV, and I have several books that I can read over and over again and they comfort me. The Twilight series are a few of those books. I was embarrassed to admit that I had read them for about a year, but I've gotten over it. :)

I am super excited, and it makes me feel a little better that I wouldn't be doing either of these if I didn't have kids. Ha! One point for the infertile!

First Counseling Session

Sweets and I had our first counseling session together on Monday night. Things have been swirling through my head a bit, and I'm still thinking about everything, but it was over all a positive experience.

Some things surprised me about the visit in general. Mainly about how Sweets acted, and then about how I felt/interpreted them.

I feel like I create too many lists on this blog, and will work to fix that (aka become more creative), but for now it's just the easiest and quickest way for me to get everything.

1. Sweets talked a lot. Generally he is very shy unless he's extremely comfortable in a situation or with the people he's around. I am usually the much more talkative one, and he probably talked 70% of the time.

2. He acknowledged that both he and his job have a lot to do with the problems that we are having in our marriage.

3. He told the counselor that his reasons for going to counseling were exactly the reasons I HAVE been using to try to get him to go to counseling for the past couple of years.

4. He spoke repeatedly about how perceptive I am, and how perceptive he is NOT. And sort of about my strengths in general. (This is just not something that we had really talked about before, and not something I thought he would have registered).

Now, even though this sounds all very positive, I feel sort of pessimistic about it. Things seemed to me to come out in a way that I felt as though he was trying to make his case about everything, and preemptively "score points." This is not a side I have seen of Sweets, though we've never actually been in this sort of situation before so I'm not sure why I would have seen it. Normally I would put this off on myself, and I would think that I was being paranoid. But something my Mom told me long ago has been playing over and over in my head.

At some point several years ago we were talking about Sweets and my mother commented that "He's just SO COMPETITIVE with you." Now, she normally would never say something like that to me. She's a gossip, but she very much believes in the sanctity of a marriage and a marital relationship.

So what's that mean? I don't know. Maybe it's just his reaction to being in a stressful situation?? It's pretty uncomfortable to be sitting in front of someone who's entire purpose is to JUDGE YOU. (hee hee, ok, so I know not really judge, but you know what I mean...) I guess we'll see if counseling can help us through all the problems, and maybe once we get more comfortable in our sessions, things won't be so tense. I think maybe I should cut him some slack for at least a few more sessions.

Erg!

I just realized that I didn't enable comments on my blog! (Really, I'm usually not so ditzy.) My apologies to anyone who was frustrated by the inability to leave a comment.

Update: I just realized that I had to turn on comment moderation in order to get everyone else's comments to show up from the last two weeks. I think I finally have it sorted from here on out. Again, apologies from the newbie-blogger.

Nope, not pregnant

AF showed up on Friday evening (as I was expecting). Sweets and I went out for an expensive dinner and split a bottle of wine. We then had several good, and several bad conversations in our inebriated state.

1. (Good) We talked about foster parent orientation. I have wanted to be a foster parent since high school, and it is something that we've talked about off and on for a few years. Sweets wasn't too keen on the idea, assuming that we would have our own kids "soon" and didn't want to complicate things. Now that our own kids might not factor in, we've decided to at least go to the orientation to see what it's all about. Sweets is still hesitant (rightly so) because things are so up in the air with us, but we'll at least have our bases covered when/if we want to pursue it.

2. (Good) Medicated cycle? I got an appointment with the RE for the 23rd. We will develop a game plan and see if we want to pursue a medicated cycle (we are leaning towards no here, but it's still TBD).

3. (Good) We decided our plan for the holidays. Our next IUIs will probably be the day after Thanksgiving, and Xmas day. So, we are going to sit out Xmas, because we will be traveling to my in laws, who do not know.

4. (Bad) I have mentioned to Sweets previously that Xmas will be hard for me this year and we revisited this conversation at dinner. Not only are we traveling away from my family, but we will be sitting out a cycle AND his sister is pregnant with her FOURTH child. She has had two pregnancies since we have been trying. She's also one of those people who I KNOW will pressure us ("when are you going to have kids???? you've been married FOREVER! don't you want them???" etc, etc)

This opened up "can of worms" conversation number 5, and I was "that" crazy woman at dinner, arguing with her husband and certainly ruining the dinners of the people sitting next to me.

5. (Bad, very EXTREMELY bad) I cannot stand my sister in law, and Sweets is very close with her. I, for the most part, keep my mouth shut about it, and put on the nice face and she "thinks I'm great," according to Sweets. I do NOT WANT HER KNOWING about our IF, and Sweets wants to tell her, because they are close. We'll call her Sasha.

There are several reasons why I don't want Sasha knowing, and why I don't like her (and this post would be extremely long if I decided to go into them all, but I'll try to just gloss over a few).

I don't like her for one main reason: she is extremely selfish. She did not attend our wedding, or my bridal shower because it was not convenient for her to be there. When we travel across the country to see Sweets' family, she can't be bothered to make the trip down to his mom's house to see us, and we then have to make the 3 hour drive (in addition to the 6 hour flight) to see her. There is much more to this story but it's whole-other-post-worthy. This is strike number one.

I don't want her to know about her IF for the same reason I don't want to tell my own mother: I don't trust her to keep her mouth shut. There is good reason for my trepidation. A cousin of theirs recently had to terminate a pregnancy (a very wanted pregnancy) for medical reasons. While they are telling everyone else that she miscarried, Sasha knows the real reason and talked to Sweets about it. This is strike number two.

Sasha is also close with their other sister (Fiona) who has a terrible gossiping problem. So, a common scene of drama in the in laws house is that Fiona spreads everyone else's gossip around (including Sasha's). Strike number three.

My worry is that even if she didn't spread it herself, that Sasha would tell Fiona, and it would get around to everyone in the family. And, while we may end up telling everyone some day, I do not want to feel pressured to tell everyone because people are suddenly finding out from the gossip mill.

Does anyone else have any problems with gossips in their family? It seems like I'm getting it from both sides and now I'm wondering if I'm just being overly sensitive about the whole thing. Maybe I'm worrying for nothing, and we should just tell people. Sigh, I don't know.

d10pIUI#1

I've been feeling decidedly normal since the IUI 10 days ago, despite my mind's best efforts. It nags: Aren't you more tired? Aren't you a little more sore than usual? Was that cramp out of the ordinary???

Today I made the mistake of POAS because I'm meeting a friend for coffee tonight after work, and I kinda wanted to go full caffeinated... BFN, but of course I won't believe it until this weekend, when AF is actually due. Decaf it is. Now I just ask myself why did I waste the test? Apparently, I'm just maso.chistic.

About life in general: I'm feeling much better today. Sweets booked an appointment with a counselor for the both of us next Monday. I wanted him to do it, to feel like he was part of the solution to all of this, and I think it's working. [Also, because nothing I ever do is good enough, so this way he can't bitch at me about how I've picked the wrong counselor.]

Apparently

Apparently I have not been as good at covering my feelings as I thought. Today my sister told me that I have been acting very crabby lately and asked what's wrong. (not in a way that she really wanted to know, but more in the "knock it off" sort of way.)

I suppose I should re-visit the whole arena of why we aren't telling people about what is going on in our lives. Or why _I_ don't want to tell people about our IF status, because I think that Sweets would be completely willing to do that (he thinks that it would shut people up, and I don't agree). The main reason is my mother. She is a Gossip. The kind of busybody that doesn't have much to do but talk about everyone else, TO everyone else. My family is actually pretty close, and for the most part we simply don't tell her things that we don't want everyone else to know. I should note that she does great with short-termed news, like first trimester pregnancy announcements. But anything longer than that and the "If I tell you something, will you promise not to repeat it?.... " starts to creep out of her.

Our relationship has been disintegrating over the past few months, and I know that she is dumbfounded as to why it's happening. Part of me is VERY angry at her for her personality and this makes me angry at myself for feeling this way.

She can't help it! She can't! It's just in her DNA! My rational self screams at me.

I don't care! I need my mother and I can't tell her any of this! Screams back the Crazy IFer.

And so I have chosen to keep her at arms length. indefinitely. I feel like eventually we will get pregnant and it will be come a non-issue, but as the months wear on and on it's just becoming harder and harder.

And part of me realizes that she's probably just gossiping about me ANYWAY, and making up her own ideas about what is really wrong. Maybe I should just tell her and get everything out in the open.

MMI (More Marital Issues)

A lot has happened in the past two weeks. I have been digesting everything and trying to figure out how to put it into a cohesive blog-posting. I'm also worried that he could find this blog and get very angry with me for posting about all of this, and considered not posting about it at all. But I think that the therapeutic value of doing this will be worth it. (I'm also thinking about participating in IComLeaveWe this month).

A week ago (Thursday) I had an all-out panic attack. I was VERY thankful that no one was around me when it happened. Preceding this attack was the realization that my husband is an emotional abuser. I came to this realization after reading two blogs about marriage and IF (whichbox.blogspot.com and jo-mojoworking.blogspot.com).

I should state here that I am a VERY independent person, and rarely let him get away with the behaviors that are abusive. But it does wear on a person, regardless of how strong.

I had never put it together quite like this before. I was a bit shell shocked, and went to girls weekend anyway, and got a chance to talk about it very briefly with my best friend (who is very grounded and gives great advice). She wisely asked me if I was overreacting because of everything going on in my life right now. I said I could be, and decided to think about it some more.

Then on Sunday, we went in for our first round of IUI. On the way there, we got into a ridiculous fight about something trivial. He belittled my ability to park, and then told me that he wasn't going to go through with the IUI while we were in the elevator going up to the office. We argued with the door of the elevator open for a bit, and were interrupted by the security guard, at which point, Sweets snapped back into the real world, and everything was suddenly fine.

I should also give you a little back story on Sweets' family. He was raised primarily by his wonderful mother, as his parents divorced when he was quite young. His father is/was a CLASSIC emotional abuser. His mom says "He was only ever happy when I was crying." He continues to be that way with his new wife, and he chooses uneducated and dependent women to marry so that they can never leave him.

Last night, Sweets and I had a very frank conversation (no yelling, yea!) about all of this, and I told him I thought he was being emotionally abusive to me. And he actually HEARD ME. REALLY heard me. We chewed on lots of issues, and at one point I asked him,

"If everything is so terrible and bad, why are you still here, and why are we still trying to have a baby?"

His response was, "Because this is my fault, and I want to fix it." And apparently he's considering quitting his all-consuming, crazy crazy job to do it.

I feel hopeful for the first time in a long time. We are going to find a counselor (something he has previously refused to do) and see if we can get everything worked out.