New Year

2009 has been a rough one for our marriage.    It has seen me at my angriest, my saddest and my most broken.    

I left my husband this year.   It was for a very short time (a matter of hours), but I did it.   One summer night after a huge fight, I packed the car, left a note (because he'd gone off in a huff and I couldn't get ahold of him for hours) and drove away thinking that I was done.   I felt that he didn't want children, or the marriage and so I'd finally had enough.   I didn't think that I could live the relationship for the both of us any more.  I drove and drove and drove, and finally ended up turning around and coming back.

That was certainly the low point.

Funny to say it now, but I think that was what it took to shake him out of whatever hole he'd been hiding in.   I don't think that he had realized how far at the end of my rope I had been.   Even though I had been telling him, and screaming at him, it took that act for him to get it.    He finally understood that I'd leave if things didn't change.

Afterwards, I fully expected a backlash from my actions and wondered if we'd ever get over it.   I understood the breach that it was.   But he only ever mentioned it one other time.    I think he actually gets "it"  now.

It was shortly after this that I found the blog-o-sphere and started thinking about writing my own blog.   Several months later and I actually started this one.   Now we are in therapy.   We are starting to heal.

Good bye 2009, and here's to hoping that 2010 continues to bring healing and hope.

We Survived

As we waited to be picked up from the airport last night I turned to Sweets and sighed "well, we survived it."

He asked "so was it worth all the anxiety?"

I asked for clarification "Do you mean, was it bad enough to warrant said anxiety?"

He nods.

"Oh yes, it was worse than I thought."

----

We arrived on the 23rd, chatted with MIL and step FIL for a little while, but mainly about Fiona (younger SIL) who is still living at home, and causing WWIII type arguments with the parents.   It's been bad, and she's only been living with them since October.   I'll save that story for another time.

We drove out to Sasha's house the next day, and the trip that should have taken us 2 hours, took 3 plus with all of the traffic that we hit.    We checked into the hotel, and then made it over to Sasha's house.   Sasha is due in early April with her fourth child, and it took my about an hour to get comfortable enough to look at her.   I distracted myself by playing with her DARLING three other children (who are all wonderful and under the age of 6) and chatting with other people.     She was constantly rubbing her belly and while I had to choke back tears a couple of times, I don't think that anyone noticed.

We hung out there with the whole family until they went to bed, and then let everyone know that we'd be by about 10 am the next morning.   Sasha's hasband exclaimed "You aren't coming over to watch the kids open presents?!?"    We responded "Nope, because 6 am is 3 am for us, and we just can't do that."    I should add that we had told both MIL and Sasha that this was our plan WEEKS ago.

That night, for the first time EVER, Sweets asked me how I was feeling.   And I broke down into tears, which shocked him because I'd apparently been doing a very good job of hiding it.    So I had a good cry and we went to sleep.

We got up the next morning at 9 am (6 am our time, which is extremely early for the two of us), got up and dressed and got over there just after 10 am.

And everyone was so mad at us that non of them would even look at us.   I thought it was just me, and spent the entire day acting like nothing was wrong, forcing myself into conversations, playing with children, helping in the kitchen and acting like everything was fine.

When we got into the car that night to go home, I expressed to Sweets that everyone was acting weird, and he said "yeah, they were all mad at us, and wouldn't even look at us."    This made me angry.   I would much prefer them mad at me, and ruin my day, then make Sweets feel bad.   I mean, they are his FAMILY.  He's supposed to ENJOY being with them.     It was awful.

We both agreed that at least we'd put in our time and wouldn't have to do this for many years, though.

MIL had told us that they were going to leave the next day at 11 am (they had their own car), so we got up early again, got ready and headed over to SILs house.   AND THEY HAD ALREADY LEFT.  literally 5 minutes before we showed up.     We actually asked Sasha what the deal was, and she lied through her teeth and said nothing was wrong.

For the next two days, we managed to avoid MIL and step FIL for the most part (who went back to acting like nothing was wrong) and mainly just hung out with Fiona.   Fiona is currently involved in some personal drama which is all self inflicted, but it kept us busy (if not exhausted).


It was bad.   It is over.   I won't have to deal with that for at least another 5 years.   Hopefully by that time we'll have kids and we can use it as an excuse not to travel.  :)

On the plus side, this drew Sweets and I back together.    We kept commenting that we were so glad that we were together, and that's all that really mattered, and that the whole rest of the world could all just go to hell.    We were the calm in the storm for each other.   Isn't that what marriage is supposed to be like?

Even Better

I got a big fat apology last night.   He cried, and told me that he never wanted to upset me like that again.   He acknowledged how I was feeling and realizes that he hasn't been helping matters.

For a guy who never apologizes, he did a pretty darn good job.  

I may be MIA for the next week while we travel (though I'll try to be around because our hotel should have WIFI).

Here's to hoping everyone travels safely and has a good holiday.

Better Today

So I'm feeling much better today.   I still don't know where Sweets and I "are" in all of this.   I'm pretty much just sort of numb about it.

I've realized by some of the responses that I wasn't exactly clear on a few things (it was the middle of the night when I pounded that off last night, I just really needed to get it off my chest).

1.   Sweet's fat comment was said in a very mocking tone.   He will also say to me "stop eating!" and the like.   It was a "joke" but it was mean spirited and very pointed.   It's his way of communicating a dislike.  I normally ignore them, or tell him to F off.    One of the reasons that I really didn't appreciate it is because I'm pretty sure it's medication induced.   I mean, I have never before gained 5 pounds in a month, directly in my stomach.    I also feel somewhat helpless to do anything about it.   I work out, and I don't eat terribly.  I'm not going to starve myself.

2.    I'm off the progesterone and have been for two weeks.   I can't think of any reason why I'd be having mental or physical side effects from it still.   (Although I guess I could be...?)    I won't be taking it this month anyway, because of the holiday break we are instituting.    I'm crossing my fingers that my belly distention, constipation and early satiety all go away soon.

--
On dreading the holidays:

We had several conversations yesterday about the holidays.   I reiterated to him that it was going to be a difficult time for me, and that I was going to need him to step in and deflect comments from his family.   Typically he just leaves me to hang when someone brings up kids, if I'm pregnant, etc.   Literally he'll just sit there like he's deaf and dumb and stare at me.      I told him that if he expects me to be able to hold it together in front of his family, that he'd better be jumping in and not acting like a dumbass.   Hopefully he took this to heart.

--

More In Law Crazy:


His mother has finally fessed up to the fact that bowling on Saturday is NOT necessary for their league.  IN FACT, the other team isn't even going to be there.     When Sweets got off the phone with her, I could only stare at him incredulously.   I specifically asked him if he thought I was being unreasonable and how he felt about the entire thing.   He basically said that he thought it sucked, and that  he was really disappointed.   Apparently her new excuse is that "for the next two months, people have things going on, and a wedding, etc, etc" so they want to all get together anyway.    He wanted to say to her "yeah, well you have us in town that Saturday, why aren't we good enough to reschedule for?"   But of course he didn't.

He seems to miss the point that you can be straightforward with people, and non confrontational.   Him just ignoring the situations will just make it worse.   He can tell her how he feels, and then at least she won't be able to ignore how we feel.  (Because it was obvious by her guilty-speech that she KNOWS she's doing something wrong here.)

Whoa (much swearing in this post)

This weekend has been busy with last minute errands for both Christmas and traveling. I also still have not recovered from taking the Pro.metrium, and it's been getting a little worrying. (TMI to follow...) While the bloating has subsided, I'm still extremely stopped up. I went to the drug store and got some Mira.lax and fiber supplements, but they still haven't helped. If this continues through the next day, I'll call the doctor and see if there is anything that I can do.

So I was sitting on the couch, grabbing at my belly-fat (which also increased and has not subsided in the past two weeks). And Sweets says "I don't think THAT'S gonna go away when you pooh." To which I respond "I'm a little worried about it, I don't think it's going to either" and he bursts out laughing. He says "Yeah, I know, cause it's all fat." So starts the tears. I pick up my laptop to give myself a distraction, and he murmurs an I'm Sorry under his breath and then ignores me. Pretty much for the rest of the night. And I ignore him. I go about the rest of the things that I need to do around the house. In doing this, I walk repeatedly past the pills of selenium and zinc that I bought him last week.

They are still sitting unopened on the kitchen counter.

And I get more. and more. angry.

[Note: Sweets has never treated me like an attractive person. He's always been a little critical of me (even though I'm all-right attractive, and up until recently quite slender.) It's only been over the past three years or so that I've put on a little bit more pudge, but I'm still within a healthy weight/BMI, and I go to the gym and have a personal trainer. ]

Then Sweets decides to put on a movie. I was sitting on the couch, and he decides to join me. I tell him that I don't want to snuggle, and he can sit on the other side if he wants. But he tries to force his way next to me. I got up directly and went into the bedroom to get away from him. He instantly knew something was wrong and followed me. And wouldn't leave even though I alternated between ignoring him and asking him to leave. and he kept asking what he did, and if I was "still mad about the fat comment."

I finally exploded. I screamed so loud that my voice was almost unrecognizable, and my throat is now sore. Why do you THINK I'm mad?!? he said "because of the fat comment, it was just a joke." .... AND THEN WHAT DID YOU SAY!?!? "nothing, i didn't say anything else" Exactly you selfish son of a bitch! Even after you could SEE what you said did, and how it made me feel, you STILL COULDN'T GIVE A REAL APOLOGY! you reflexively gave a sorry and then you just SAT there! I'm the one taking the damn medications, gaining the weight, getting bloated and constipated and you can even TAKE A FUCKING VITAMIN.

"So this is what this is about? the vitamins? I'm not even sure they're going to work"

NOT SURE THEY ARE GOING TO WORK?!?!?! Get OUT GET OUT GET OUT. (I threw his pillow into the hallway) IF YOU VALUE this marriage and don't want a fucking divorce you will get out and sleep on the damn couch! (This continued for several rounds)

I finally stopped talking, and got into bed and ignored him. He stood in the room for a good 20 minutes watching me sob before he left the room.

For the first time in 9 years, he is sleeping on the couch. Mind you, this is not the first time I've asked him to sleep on the couch, and I have slept on the couch a handful of times, but never the other way around.

He doesn't care as much as I do. I cannot believe that he would mock my weight after all this. And not give an apology. I have never been so angry in my life. I literally saw red, and before this, I thought that was just a saying. (It's not) I wanted to hit him. I wanted to throw things at him. I have never been so angry. I never could have imagined that I would feel that way about someone that I loved.

I fear that this may be the beginning of the end for us. Maybe it's good that we didn't have a baby.

--

I don't know if I can handle going to the in-laws for the holidays. I'm thinking about the logistics of all of it. I'm open to any suggestions to get out of this without alerting both sides of my family.

--

To and Fro

Sweets and I have been on a bit of a truce for the past week or so. I think that both of us are pretty sick of everything and so we are just existing for the moment.

When we met with the RE several weeks ago, she suggested that Sweets start taking some Zinc and Selenium (or multi vitamin) for general sperm quality purposes. I figured that this was his deal, and he should be able to make it to the drug store to pick some up. Which, of course, he did not.

So last night, I swung by the drug store and pick up a bottle of zinc, and one of selenium for him. I consider getting him a multi-vitamin, but I know that he does not really like taking vitamins because he took a class in college on them and the professor harped a lot about how they are unnecessary. He has, for the past 10 years, refused to take vitamins for this reason.

When I give him the bottles, he says "but the RE said I could just take a multi-vitamin" to which I explain why I bought the separate bottles. He just repeats himself, and I just screamed "DONT F#@KING ARGUE WITH ME ABOUT THIS!" and he just repeats himself again. Because he has to have the last word.

I mean seriously, what the hell is his problem?!? If he wanted a damn multivitamin, he could have bought them HIMSELF. Why DIDN'T he buy them himself? Is he incapable? Does he not care? Did he just forget? Is he arguing with me because he's mad at himself for not remembering?

What scares me a little bit is that instead of forcing him to see what he was doing (which is what I normally do with his crazy), I just let it go. I withdrew into myself like I was doing 6 months ago. 6 months ago was a really bad time for me. I don't think I can take more of his crap until the holidays are over.

Just 12 more days, and we'll be back from crazy land. Maybe I should start an advent calendar or a paper chain for that. :)

Holiday Blues

So, my MIL has now made it impossible for us to go into the big city while we are visiting over Christmas. (back story here) She has now told Sweets that she wants us to go bowling with her on Saturday night so that she can "show us off."

The real reason is that she doesn't want to be put out by driving us 20 minutes out of her way to get us to the subway/train/bus. It's so frustrating. However, I'm starting to get very relaxed about the entire thing. It's not making me angry anymore, just sad. I would really like to have one of those relationships with my in laws that I looked forward to seeing them. Now I just really see it as a duty, but maybe that's ok for now.

--

I think the holiday blues are setting in. I've been awfully sad today for no real reason. Or I should say, no particular reasons (there are a ton of "real" ones for any IFer, right?) It never ceases to amaze me how quickly this can come upon me, and without a trigger that I can tell.

Now, I've been trying to figure out the easiest way to "medicate" (read; drink) at my SIL's house over Christmas. She and her husband do not drink because of religious reasons, but the rest of the family does. Is it too trashy to show up at her house with a couple nice bottles of wine, and insist that they get opened? Normally, I wouldn't do this, but I'm actually seriously considering it for my sanity.

New job?

So, I have been keeping my eye out for new jobs for a number of reasons.

1. I don't get paid very much for my job right now. It was always supposed to be a temporary type thing until I had kids, and that certainly isn't happening.

2. My boss, while EXTREMELY nice, keeps pestering me about if I'm pregnant, and it's depressing. I've mentioned this before, but for those that don't read regularly, here's the back story: I turned down the job with this boss after a re-organization of my department because we were trying to get pregnant, and I told him that was the reason. He begged me to work for him for as long as I wanted, so I thought it was a perfect place for me for a few short months! (har har har). Unfortunately, now he feels like he can ask me if I'm already preggers, which I don't exactly appreciate.

3. Our insurance doesn't cover IF treatments. or testing. or any of it. I believe that we have spent about 3500-4000 dollars out of pocket for testing and treatments. Actually, I don't know the total, and I don't want to, so I'm just estimating here.

Coupling the poor insurance with the poor pay is a double whammy to our savings account. I'm getting to the point where I just can't afford to work this job any more.

So, I've just applied to a new job, at a company where I have a connection. I think that I would be a good fit, and I'm sure that it will pay more than where I'm at currently. I also am pretty sure that the insurance will be better, but I'm not sure if it will cover IF or not. It certainly couldn't be any worse than what I have now.

Keep your fingers crossed for me!

First off, thanks to both Jo and Nicole for taking the time to write such thoughtful responses to my last post. I personally think this is going to take a lot of prayer for me, and some serious time before it all gets figured out.

I got to spend some quality time this weekend with my best friend (who lives in another city) and it was quite therapeutic for me. We haven't had too much opportunity for me to fill her in on the IF stuff, or the problems with Sweets, and we talked a lot about it this weekend. I really needed to talk about it with someone.

On Friday, when I told Sweets that AF had started, his only response was "Isn't it early??" And after I told him no, I got nothing. NOTHING from him. He stayed up late watching TV and working, went to work early the next morning, and hasn't acknowledged anything.

My friend asked me what Sweets thought about the entire thing. And my truthful response to her was that he doesn't talk about it. He's very uncommunicative, and unless we're fighting about something, I don't get anything from him. Her response "That must make you feel like you're doing this all alone." was really spot-on.

I've specifically told him that I need him to be sympathetic. I know that he can be, because he is with everyone else but me. I don't quite understand it (though I have been trying to figure out why) and it makes me pull away from him. It's kind of a slippery slope.

We don't see our counselor again until after the holidays, but I'm going to keep this in mind to bring up at the next session.

Rewards?

So a couple of weeks ago in church there were baby dedications, and it was a difficult morning for me, sitting there, fighting back tears. Since then, I have been wrestling a bit about the whole thing. For those of you that have no idea what a "dedication" is, it's a brief ceremony done in lieu of infant baptism. Many modern Christian churches believe that you must be able to cognitively choose Christ as Savior to be baptized, and therefore won't do "infant baptisms."

So, our pastor called a few young families on stage to talk about the miracle of life, and what a blessing children are to the entire congregation. He specifically quoted Psalm 127:3 "Behold, children are a gift of the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward."

So, for the first time, I started thinking about the faith-based confusion involving infertility. This particular bible quote, when reversed seems to imply that those who cannot have children, do not deserve the reward for some reason. I have heard the question posed by a woman "Is God punishing me with infertility because I had an abortion in college?" I understand that this is not a punishment from God, but a case of reaping what is sewn. Because if there is scar tissue that forms during the procedure, it's a logical side affect, right? It has nothing to do with blame, or fault, it just IS. But do these woman not deserve a reward?

I've lived life as a relatively "good" person. I've never thought that my infertility was a punishment from God for not doing things "right." I understand that sometimes bad things happen to good people, and that most times, we don't know the reasoning behind it. Still I wonder am I unworthy of a reward?

I am prolife. It is therefore hard for me to reconcile IVF treatments, picking and choosing blasts for transfer and hoping for implantation. Is there anyone else out there that is struggling with the same thing? I would love to hear what you have to say about the subject, or any book/article references on the subject. I'm seriously trying to figure things out.

CD1

So, I started spotting today, and fully expect AF tomorrow morning. I fully expected to not be pregnant, as I haven't felt any different and had a BFN on Wednesday morning. I'm still on the progesterone, and Sweets had convinced me that I wouldn't get AF at all until I stopped it. (Side note: is it normal to still get your period normally on pro.metrium?) So I was a little surprised at work this afternoon when I noticed the spotting, and was very thankful that it was later in the day and all my coworkers were gone.

So, we'll be taking this next cycle off from ART, because of the holidays, and will do another IUI January.

On a positive note, we are headed to my boss's tomorrow night for a party celebrating the first night of Hanukah. About a year ago, I learned that my previous boss was being forced out of our department, and that I was pretty much out of a job. But this new guy was joining the department, and was going to need someone with my expertise. I thought about it for a couple of days, and then actually decided not to work for him, and to stop working altogether (because we'd be pregnant any second, right?) I told him that we were working on starting a family, and I turned him down for the job. But he BEGGED me to work for him, and told me he'd take me for as long as I could work for him. At the time I thought this was a god-send and signed on.

Needless to say, things didn't go according to plan. Not only that, but from about July to September, he asked me every month if I was pregnant yet. (More like "how are things going... personally???......) I would dodge the question, say "fine" or something like that. I have tried hard not to give him any opportunity to ask me again. He also asked me repeatedly to tell him "as soon as I find out" to give him every opportunity to find a replacement for me. It makes me want to quit every. single. day. I'm just waiting for an excuse.

Anyway, they have been asking and asking to have us over for dinner, etc, and I've been coming up with excuses, but I think that a party situation is the best way to handle it.

So the positive part about this is: I'll be drinking. Heavily. And I'll make sure he notices.

If I had children...

I would want this for Christmas.

It's a heart necklace custom with two finger prints. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to publish the picture, so I've just linked to the etsy site.

I think it's beautiful.

N

A Better Person, Maybe

For awhile I've been thinking about how how this battle with IF has made me a more considerate person. Prior to IF I was a judgmental, unsympathetic and over-all oblivious person who considered herself rational. I simply couldn't understand why people faced with decisions (like adopting, etc) couldn't make decisions based on fact. I wasn't a horrible and unfeeling person, but things just seemed really black and white to me.

I was that person. The one who would have said "Why don't you just adopt?" or "I have a friend who just stopped trying and poof! They got pregnant!" Now, thankfully, I was NEVER put into that position, because most of my friends married after us, and have not started trying to add to their families. I don't have to look back and regret actually doing that to someone, which I count as a blessing.

I think that in part, this is a large reason that I have trepidation about telling those in my life about our struggle with IF. And I really don't blame people who react with the "adoption" or "advice" type comments, because I can certainly relate. I just simply don't want to hear it, or come up with canned responses for them.

After going through this whole IF process I have developed a lot as a person. And I look at all the women who have been through so much more than I have and wonder how they do it. I have a lot more empathy for those around me, and bite my tongue on a regular basis. I still have a long way to go, but I'm more aware now of my words and advice. I pay attention to what is unsaid in addition to what is voiced.

I can't help but wonder if God has led me down this path as a way to make me realize my faults. To help me grow as a person. To help make my marriage stronger as a result.

At least I hope so.

Pro.gesterone makes me crazy

So apparently, in addition to making me look 4 months pregnant, progesterone also makes me certifiably crazy. I'm now able to go from rational to absolutely nutters in 2.5 seconds!

This Saturday, Sweets dropped me off for my nine o'clock gym/training session and then took the car for the rest of the morning to work. He knew that this is my only weekend to complete all of our Xmas shopping, and that I'd do what shopping I could do around the house, but be waiting for the car to hit the mall when he made it home. I knew that he was bringing home a coworker to hang out for the rest of the day when they were both done at work.

I talked to him around 12:30 and he said he could bring the car home then, or wait for his other coworker to be ready which would take a couple of hours.

Now, Sweets has a SERIOUS problem making a decisions. He basically wants me to make decisions for everything from what we eat for dinner, etc. But in addition to this, he will tell me "no, I don't want that" as I suggest a hundred things. It drives me crazy on a normal day.

So, I tell him that he needs to make this decision. And he just repeats himself, "Well, I could come home if you want me to." Now, I'm sick of being the bad guy and making his decisions all the time. So I repeatedly tell him to make a decision, and when he doesn't, I get mad and hang up on him. (Childish, I know)

So I head out on the bus and hit a shopping area that is a mile or so away from my house. I did what shopping I could do, but after a few hours I was tired, and cranky and present laden. So I call Sweets and ask him if he's headed back any time soon because I'm tired, and cranky, the bus has been re-routed for construction and I'd have to walk about half way home to catch it. He tells me that he's on his way to lunch with a couple of coworkers so it might be awhile.

To which I FREAK. Completely, irrationally FREAK out. Crazy infertile comes out, screaming "NOW you're wasting your time going out to lunch with friends!?! While I'm running freaking errands and waiting for him to come back with the car?! You've got to be kidding me!"

And I tell him I'll find my own way home, and hang up on him. And refuse to pick up his phone calls, and start walking home. He texts me that he's on his way, and I tell him not to bother. I walked home (did I mention it was only 30 degrees?), and he came home anyway. And brings his coworker. I'm assuming as a buffer so that I wouldn't yell at him right then. Then his coworker stayed over for 6 freaking hours, basically right until I went to bed.

Now, I understand that I completely overreacted, and that this is not something I would have done with out the crazy hormones in my system. But I REALLY wanted him to pick me. To understand that I was doing something I HATE doing (Xmas shopping is evil) for the both of us, and the least he could have done was get me the car to make it easier. Or not planned to have lunch with his friends to drive me home.

Now I'm left wondering if I'll do the progesterone in subsequent cycles. I'm not sure if our relationship can handle me being so off kilter in addition to everything else.

---

I have too many posts in my head swimming around that I want to write about. It's actually been preventing me from writing the past couple of days. I'm going to try to get them all out this week.

More Holiday Crazy

So, I was talking to Sweets last night and he mentioned that his mom has bowling on Saturday that we are there, and told us we were on our own for the night. (There is a possibility that she'll get out of it, but doesn't sound likely, or like she really wants to do that.)

So here's the timeline for our holiday.

W - 23rd - fly across country and arrive at 10 pm. drive 1 hour to MIL's house.

Th - 24th - Drive to SIL's house. Crazy will ensue.

F - 25th - Xmas

Sat - 26th - Drive back to MIL's house. She and (step) FIL will go out bowling

Sun - 27th - no plans, maybe extended family

Mon - fly home.

So I promptly tell Sweets that we should go into the large city that is ~ an hour away from MIL's house because we haven't been there in years. We can have a nice dinner or something, and just hang out together. He drags his feet about this because he doesn't want to get in the way of other peoples plans. (This, of course, makes me FREAK because of the way they are all behaving.)

I send MIL an email that says "Hey! Sweets just told me you're bowling on Saturday night, and I was thinking about hitting the big city. We haven't been there in years, and it would be so much fun. However, it doesn't make sense for us to drive all the way to your house just to double back to the big city, so would you mind dropping us off on the the way home? Not even all the way there, but to somewhere we could grab a train or bus would be great."

Her response? (paraphrase): " I mentioned to Sweets about bowling because I know it's your anniversary and maybe you'd like to do something together, so if you want to go into the city that day, that's fine with us. As for getting there, we will have our DOG WITH US, so we'll have to play it by ear. Maybe you'll have to get a ride from other SIL. Though there may be a bus right from SIL's small town. I'll figure out if there is a way to do it."

This has disaster written all over it. I read the email to Sweets and his response? "THAT'S not what she told me on the phone. She said that she has to play this game because of the way the league is run, and they've already missed too many games."

I wrote back a really nice email thanking her for being so thoughtful, and to let me know if she needs anything from us to make it happen. But I'm not counting on it. I also stated that we usually choose not to celebrate our anniversary because it's so close to Xmas, and we want to see the family. (Actually hadn't even known what day it was that weekend, because it's so not on my radar.)

The best part!?! I just realized that our anniversary is SUNDAY.

This is actually starting to be comical. It's making me laugh, which is a lot better than before. I never expect them to be something they aren't, and to not be selfish, but I'm working on getting Sweets on the same page, so that we can distance ourselves from the crazy at least a little bit.

huh?

So today is day 4 on prometrium/progesterone. Due to my irregular bleeding, the RE thought it was worth a shot.

I woke up this morning and almost couldn't zip my fat jeans. Yesterday I was super comfy in my one size down, and feeling like I'd lost some weight, even.

This is unbelievable! Holy crap!

Does anyone have any suggestions for de-bloating? (i may have just made up that word. Just sayin')

Letter to my SIL

When I wrote about the Christmas debacle of 2009, Michelle wisely suggested that I write out an email (and not send it) as a therapeutic exercise. I think it's a fabulous idea, so here goes.

Dear Sasha, (and MIL, and Fiona would be cc'd because they would get it forwarded to them anyway),

I am writing to share with you my feelings of frustration over the turn of events surrounding Christmas. I genuinely feel like you did not listen to Sweets' voiced concerns, and I would like to lay out our/my feelings on the subject. As all of you know, I am a straight forward person and while I have bit my tongue in the past, I feel like I need to get this out so that we are all on the same page.

In August, I sent an email asking you to pick a place for Christmas specifically to avoid this current scenario. As all of you know, traveling for long distances is hard on my back since I injured it working 4 years ago. Turning around to drive for at least three hours within 24 hours of flying across the country is difficult, and I was trying to avoid this. I knew that this was a possibility because we have routinely been forced to change our plans when we come to visit because of your change of plans, hence the email.

This is not to say that I do not understand your reason for wanting to meet at your house. I COMPLETELY get it. You have three kids, and it's difficult to travel with them. But NONE of this is new information from when we booked our tickets three months ago. NONE of it. I understand that your schedule had not been figured out, but a simple "I don't know my schedule. If I have time off, I'd like to do Xmas here, and if not, it would make sense for you to go to Mom's house" would have allowed us to make the decision to NOT travel for the holidays, and try again next year.

Quite frankly, it is incredibly selfish of you to do this to us time and time again. You suit yourself in absolutely every circumstance, and I am truly sick of it.

As Sweets hinted at on the phone with you, we do not want to spend a number of days crammed in a house with your children, who will be getting up at what would equal 3 or 4 am in the morning for us. We had this all decided at MIL's house, and had a cheap hotel room to go to. Now, we will be forced to spend 200+ dollars a night to stay in a hotel.

During your phone conversation with Sweets, you stated over and over again that this is the best way for everyone, and this was going to make for a better Christmas for all. Don't kid yourself. This makes for a better Christmas for YOU, and that's why you are rearranging everything this way. So own up to it.

Calling someone and asking them to change their plans NICELY, and ACKNOWLEDGING that you have screwed up is the way to handle a situation like this. It's common sense that you don't call them and tell them that this will be better for them, and try to convince them that you are right. You apologize, and ask nicely if they would consider rearranging all of their own plans. After all, you are the one imposing when you have already previously signed off on the plans. (OR in your case, ignored the email that I sent you and do whatever you want, which is what you always do.)

You have not once put yourself out to see us when we've come into town, and you certainly wouldn't travel to come and see us (though you don't mind making the cross country trip to your brother in law's house). For heaven's sake, you couldn't even make it to our wedding, bridal shower or stay for the entirety of our east coast reception.

After this holiday, we will no longer put ourselves out to accommodate you.

In addition, I have absolutely no desire to ride around with you on Christmas Eve to run errands and take your children to see Santa Claus. What would make you think that we would WANT to do that? We have no children, and this would be torture. I will be fine hanging out in our hotel room if that doesn't not work with your schedule.

Also, we will not be getting up at 6 am to watch your children open presents. As I have mentioned before, that's 3 am for us. I don't expect the kids to wait to open their gifts, but we don't need to be there for it. We can exchange with the family later in the morning.

I'm very sorry that it has come to this, but this was really the last straw for me.

Nixy

PS. "F" YOU YOU FERTILE, INSENSITIVE BITCH!

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If I was actually going to send this, I wouldn't have worded it quite so harshly. (I might be tactless, but I'm not stupid. :)) Actually, maybe the first half would stay the same.

I am teetering on whether or not to send the email or say something when we actually get there. I think that they need to know that this behavior is why we won't be traveling to see them for a holiday EVER again. I could just be passive aggressive like them and not mention it, and never bother to go, though.

Erg!