New Year

2009 has been a rough one for our marriage.    It has seen me at my angriest, my saddest and my most broken.    

I left my husband this year.   It was for a very short time (a matter of hours), but I did it.   One summer night after a huge fight, I packed the car, left a note (because he'd gone off in a huff and I couldn't get ahold of him for hours) and drove away thinking that I was done.   I felt that he didn't want children, or the marriage and so I'd finally had enough.   I didn't think that I could live the relationship for the both of us any more.  I drove and drove and drove, and finally ended up turning around and coming back.

That was certainly the low point.

Funny to say it now, but I think that was what it took to shake him out of whatever hole he'd been hiding in.   I don't think that he had realized how far at the end of my rope I had been.   Even though I had been telling him, and screaming at him, it took that act for him to get it.    He finally understood that I'd leave if things didn't change.

Afterwards, I fully expected a backlash from my actions and wondered if we'd ever get over it.   I understood the breach that it was.   But he only ever mentioned it one other time.    I think he actually gets "it"  now.

It was shortly after this that I found the blog-o-sphere and started thinking about writing my own blog.   Several months later and I actually started this one.   Now we are in therapy.   We are starting to heal.

Good bye 2009, and here's to hoping that 2010 continues to bring healing and hope.

We Survived

As we waited to be picked up from the airport last night I turned to Sweets and sighed "well, we survived it."

He asked "so was it worth all the anxiety?"

I asked for clarification "Do you mean, was it bad enough to warrant said anxiety?"

He nods.

"Oh yes, it was worse than I thought."

----

We arrived on the 23rd, chatted with MIL and step FIL for a little while, but mainly about Fiona (younger SIL) who is still living at home, and causing WWIII type arguments with the parents.   It's been bad, and she's only been living with them since October.   I'll save that story for another time.

We drove out to Sasha's house the next day, and the trip that should have taken us 2 hours, took 3 plus with all of the traffic that we hit.    We checked into the hotel, and then made it over to Sasha's house.   Sasha is due in early April with her fourth child, and it took my about an hour to get comfortable enough to look at her.   I distracted myself by playing with her DARLING three other children (who are all wonderful and under the age of 6) and chatting with other people.     She was constantly rubbing her belly and while I had to choke back tears a couple of times, I don't think that anyone noticed.

We hung out there with the whole family until they went to bed, and then let everyone know that we'd be by about 10 am the next morning.   Sasha's hasband exclaimed "You aren't coming over to watch the kids open presents?!?"    We responded "Nope, because 6 am is 3 am for us, and we just can't do that."    I should add that we had told both MIL and Sasha that this was our plan WEEKS ago.

That night, for the first time EVER, Sweets asked me how I was feeling.   And I broke down into tears, which shocked him because I'd apparently been doing a very good job of hiding it.    So I had a good cry and we went to sleep.

We got up the next morning at 9 am (6 am our time, which is extremely early for the two of us), got up and dressed and got over there just after 10 am.

And everyone was so mad at us that non of them would even look at us.   I thought it was just me, and spent the entire day acting like nothing was wrong, forcing myself into conversations, playing with children, helping in the kitchen and acting like everything was fine.

When we got into the car that night to go home, I expressed to Sweets that everyone was acting weird, and he said "yeah, they were all mad at us, and wouldn't even look at us."    This made me angry.   I would much prefer them mad at me, and ruin my day, then make Sweets feel bad.   I mean, they are his FAMILY.  He's supposed to ENJOY being with them.     It was awful.

We both agreed that at least we'd put in our time and wouldn't have to do this for many years, though.

MIL had told us that they were going to leave the next day at 11 am (they had their own car), so we got up early again, got ready and headed over to SILs house.   AND THEY HAD ALREADY LEFT.  literally 5 minutes before we showed up.     We actually asked Sasha what the deal was, and she lied through her teeth and said nothing was wrong.

For the next two days, we managed to avoid MIL and step FIL for the most part (who went back to acting like nothing was wrong) and mainly just hung out with Fiona.   Fiona is currently involved in some personal drama which is all self inflicted, but it kept us busy (if not exhausted).


It was bad.   It is over.   I won't have to deal with that for at least another 5 years.   Hopefully by that time we'll have kids and we can use it as an excuse not to travel.  :)

On the plus side, this drew Sweets and I back together.    We kept commenting that we were so glad that we were together, and that's all that really mattered, and that the whole rest of the world could all just go to hell.    We were the calm in the storm for each other.   Isn't that what marriage is supposed to be like?

Even Better

I got a big fat apology last night.   He cried, and told me that he never wanted to upset me like that again.   He acknowledged how I was feeling and realizes that he hasn't been helping matters.

For a guy who never apologizes, he did a pretty darn good job.  

I may be MIA for the next week while we travel (though I'll try to be around because our hotel should have WIFI).

Here's to hoping everyone travels safely and has a good holiday.

Better Today

So I'm feeling much better today.   I still don't know where Sweets and I "are" in all of this.   I'm pretty much just sort of numb about it.

I've realized by some of the responses that I wasn't exactly clear on a few things (it was the middle of the night when I pounded that off last night, I just really needed to get it off my chest).

1.   Sweet's fat comment was said in a very mocking tone.   He will also say to me "stop eating!" and the like.   It was a "joke" but it was mean spirited and very pointed.   It's his way of communicating a dislike.  I normally ignore them, or tell him to F off.    One of the reasons that I really didn't appreciate it is because I'm pretty sure it's medication induced.   I mean, I have never before gained 5 pounds in a month, directly in my stomach.    I also feel somewhat helpless to do anything about it.   I work out, and I don't eat terribly.  I'm not going to starve myself.

2.    I'm off the progesterone and have been for two weeks.   I can't think of any reason why I'd be having mental or physical side effects from it still.   (Although I guess I could be...?)    I won't be taking it this month anyway, because of the holiday break we are instituting.    I'm crossing my fingers that my belly distention, constipation and early satiety all go away soon.

--
On dreading the holidays:

We had several conversations yesterday about the holidays.   I reiterated to him that it was going to be a difficult time for me, and that I was going to need him to step in and deflect comments from his family.   Typically he just leaves me to hang when someone brings up kids, if I'm pregnant, etc.   Literally he'll just sit there like he's deaf and dumb and stare at me.      I told him that if he expects me to be able to hold it together in front of his family, that he'd better be jumping in and not acting like a dumbass.   Hopefully he took this to heart.

--

More In Law Crazy:


His mother has finally fessed up to the fact that bowling on Saturday is NOT necessary for their league.  IN FACT, the other team isn't even going to be there.     When Sweets got off the phone with her, I could only stare at him incredulously.   I specifically asked him if he thought I was being unreasonable and how he felt about the entire thing.   He basically said that he thought it sucked, and that  he was really disappointed.   Apparently her new excuse is that "for the next two months, people have things going on, and a wedding, etc, etc" so they want to all get together anyway.    He wanted to say to her "yeah, well you have us in town that Saturday, why aren't we good enough to reschedule for?"   But of course he didn't.

He seems to miss the point that you can be straightforward with people, and non confrontational.   Him just ignoring the situations will just make it worse.   He can tell her how he feels, and then at least she won't be able to ignore how we feel.  (Because it was obvious by her guilty-speech that she KNOWS she's doing something wrong here.)

Whoa (much swearing in this post)

This weekend has been busy with last minute errands for both Christmas and traveling. I also still have not recovered from taking the Pro.metrium, and it's been getting a little worrying. (TMI to follow...) While the bloating has subsided, I'm still extremely stopped up. I went to the drug store and got some Mira.lax and fiber supplements, but they still haven't helped. If this continues through the next day, I'll call the doctor and see if there is anything that I can do.

So I was sitting on the couch, grabbing at my belly-fat (which also increased and has not subsided in the past two weeks). And Sweets says "I don't think THAT'S gonna go away when you pooh." To which I respond "I'm a little worried about it, I don't think it's going to either" and he bursts out laughing. He says "Yeah, I know, cause it's all fat." So starts the tears. I pick up my laptop to give myself a distraction, and he murmurs an I'm Sorry under his breath and then ignores me. Pretty much for the rest of the night. And I ignore him. I go about the rest of the things that I need to do around the house. In doing this, I walk repeatedly past the pills of selenium and zinc that I bought him last week.

They are still sitting unopened on the kitchen counter.

And I get more. and more. angry.

[Note: Sweets has never treated me like an attractive person. He's always been a little critical of me (even though I'm all-right attractive, and up until recently quite slender.) It's only been over the past three years or so that I've put on a little bit more pudge, but I'm still within a healthy weight/BMI, and I go to the gym and have a personal trainer. ]

Then Sweets decides to put on a movie. I was sitting on the couch, and he decides to join me. I tell him that I don't want to snuggle, and he can sit on the other side if he wants. But he tries to force his way next to me. I got up directly and went into the bedroom to get away from him. He instantly knew something was wrong and followed me. And wouldn't leave even though I alternated between ignoring him and asking him to leave. and he kept asking what he did, and if I was "still mad about the fat comment."

I finally exploded. I screamed so loud that my voice was almost unrecognizable, and my throat is now sore. Why do you THINK I'm mad?!? he said "because of the fat comment, it was just a joke." .... AND THEN WHAT DID YOU SAY!?!? "nothing, i didn't say anything else" Exactly you selfish son of a bitch! Even after you could SEE what you said did, and how it made me feel, you STILL COULDN'T GIVE A REAL APOLOGY! you reflexively gave a sorry and then you just SAT there! I'm the one taking the damn medications, gaining the weight, getting bloated and constipated and you can even TAKE A FUCKING VITAMIN.

"So this is what this is about? the vitamins? I'm not even sure they're going to work"

NOT SURE THEY ARE GOING TO WORK?!?!?! Get OUT GET OUT GET OUT. (I threw his pillow into the hallway) IF YOU VALUE this marriage and don't want a fucking divorce you will get out and sleep on the damn couch! (This continued for several rounds)

I finally stopped talking, and got into bed and ignored him. He stood in the room for a good 20 minutes watching me sob before he left the room.

For the first time in 9 years, he is sleeping on the couch. Mind you, this is not the first time I've asked him to sleep on the couch, and I have slept on the couch a handful of times, but never the other way around.

He doesn't care as much as I do. I cannot believe that he would mock my weight after all this. And not give an apology. I have never been so angry in my life. I literally saw red, and before this, I thought that was just a saying. (It's not) I wanted to hit him. I wanted to throw things at him. I have never been so angry. I never could have imagined that I would feel that way about someone that I loved.

I fear that this may be the beginning of the end for us. Maybe it's good that we didn't have a baby.

--

I don't know if I can handle going to the in-laws for the holidays. I'm thinking about the logistics of all of it. I'm open to any suggestions to get out of this without alerting both sides of my family.

--

To and Fro

Sweets and I have been on a bit of a truce for the past week or so. I think that both of us are pretty sick of everything and so we are just existing for the moment.

When we met with the RE several weeks ago, she suggested that Sweets start taking some Zinc and Selenium (or multi vitamin) for general sperm quality purposes. I figured that this was his deal, and he should be able to make it to the drug store to pick some up. Which, of course, he did not.

So last night, I swung by the drug store and pick up a bottle of zinc, and one of selenium for him. I consider getting him a multi-vitamin, but I know that he does not really like taking vitamins because he took a class in college on them and the professor harped a lot about how they are unnecessary. He has, for the past 10 years, refused to take vitamins for this reason.

When I give him the bottles, he says "but the RE said I could just take a multi-vitamin" to which I explain why I bought the separate bottles. He just repeats himself, and I just screamed "DONT F#@KING ARGUE WITH ME ABOUT THIS!" and he just repeats himself again. Because he has to have the last word.

I mean seriously, what the hell is his problem?!? If he wanted a damn multivitamin, he could have bought them HIMSELF. Why DIDN'T he buy them himself? Is he incapable? Does he not care? Did he just forget? Is he arguing with me because he's mad at himself for not remembering?

What scares me a little bit is that instead of forcing him to see what he was doing (which is what I normally do with his crazy), I just let it go. I withdrew into myself like I was doing 6 months ago. 6 months ago was a really bad time for me. I don't think I can take more of his crap until the holidays are over.

Just 12 more days, and we'll be back from crazy land. Maybe I should start an advent calendar or a paper chain for that. :)

Holiday Blues

So, my MIL has now made it impossible for us to go into the big city while we are visiting over Christmas. (back story here) She has now told Sweets that she wants us to go bowling with her on Saturday night so that she can "show us off."

The real reason is that she doesn't want to be put out by driving us 20 minutes out of her way to get us to the subway/train/bus. It's so frustrating. However, I'm starting to get very relaxed about the entire thing. It's not making me angry anymore, just sad. I would really like to have one of those relationships with my in laws that I looked forward to seeing them. Now I just really see it as a duty, but maybe that's ok for now.

--

I think the holiday blues are setting in. I've been awfully sad today for no real reason. Or I should say, no particular reasons (there are a ton of "real" ones for any IFer, right?) It never ceases to amaze me how quickly this can come upon me, and without a trigger that I can tell.

Now, I've been trying to figure out the easiest way to "medicate" (read; drink) at my SIL's house over Christmas. She and her husband do not drink because of religious reasons, but the rest of the family does. Is it too trashy to show up at her house with a couple nice bottles of wine, and insist that they get opened? Normally, I wouldn't do this, but I'm actually seriously considering it for my sanity.

New job?

So, I have been keeping my eye out for new jobs for a number of reasons.

1. I don't get paid very much for my job right now. It was always supposed to be a temporary type thing until I had kids, and that certainly isn't happening.

2. My boss, while EXTREMELY nice, keeps pestering me about if I'm pregnant, and it's depressing. I've mentioned this before, but for those that don't read regularly, here's the back story: I turned down the job with this boss after a re-organization of my department because we were trying to get pregnant, and I told him that was the reason. He begged me to work for him for as long as I wanted, so I thought it was a perfect place for me for a few short months! (har har har). Unfortunately, now he feels like he can ask me if I'm already preggers, which I don't exactly appreciate.

3. Our insurance doesn't cover IF treatments. or testing. or any of it. I believe that we have spent about 3500-4000 dollars out of pocket for testing and treatments. Actually, I don't know the total, and I don't want to, so I'm just estimating here.

Coupling the poor insurance with the poor pay is a double whammy to our savings account. I'm getting to the point where I just can't afford to work this job any more.

So, I've just applied to a new job, at a company where I have a connection. I think that I would be a good fit, and I'm sure that it will pay more than where I'm at currently. I also am pretty sure that the insurance will be better, but I'm not sure if it will cover IF or not. It certainly couldn't be any worse than what I have now.

Keep your fingers crossed for me!

First off, thanks to both Jo and Nicole for taking the time to write such thoughtful responses to my last post. I personally think this is going to take a lot of prayer for me, and some serious time before it all gets figured out.

I got to spend some quality time this weekend with my best friend (who lives in another city) and it was quite therapeutic for me. We haven't had too much opportunity for me to fill her in on the IF stuff, or the problems with Sweets, and we talked a lot about it this weekend. I really needed to talk about it with someone.

On Friday, when I told Sweets that AF had started, his only response was "Isn't it early??" And after I told him no, I got nothing. NOTHING from him. He stayed up late watching TV and working, went to work early the next morning, and hasn't acknowledged anything.

My friend asked me what Sweets thought about the entire thing. And my truthful response to her was that he doesn't talk about it. He's very uncommunicative, and unless we're fighting about something, I don't get anything from him. Her response "That must make you feel like you're doing this all alone." was really spot-on.

I've specifically told him that I need him to be sympathetic. I know that he can be, because he is with everyone else but me. I don't quite understand it (though I have been trying to figure out why) and it makes me pull away from him. It's kind of a slippery slope.

We don't see our counselor again until after the holidays, but I'm going to keep this in mind to bring up at the next session.

Rewards?

So a couple of weeks ago in church there were baby dedications, and it was a difficult morning for me, sitting there, fighting back tears. Since then, I have been wrestling a bit about the whole thing. For those of you that have no idea what a "dedication" is, it's a brief ceremony done in lieu of infant baptism. Many modern Christian churches believe that you must be able to cognitively choose Christ as Savior to be baptized, and therefore won't do "infant baptisms."

So, our pastor called a few young families on stage to talk about the miracle of life, and what a blessing children are to the entire congregation. He specifically quoted Psalm 127:3 "Behold, children are a gift of the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward."

So, for the first time, I started thinking about the faith-based confusion involving infertility. This particular bible quote, when reversed seems to imply that those who cannot have children, do not deserve the reward for some reason. I have heard the question posed by a woman "Is God punishing me with infertility because I had an abortion in college?" I understand that this is not a punishment from God, but a case of reaping what is sewn. Because if there is scar tissue that forms during the procedure, it's a logical side affect, right? It has nothing to do with blame, or fault, it just IS. But do these woman not deserve a reward?

I've lived life as a relatively "good" person. I've never thought that my infertility was a punishment from God for not doing things "right." I understand that sometimes bad things happen to good people, and that most times, we don't know the reasoning behind it. Still I wonder am I unworthy of a reward?

I am prolife. It is therefore hard for me to reconcile IVF treatments, picking and choosing blasts for transfer and hoping for implantation. Is there anyone else out there that is struggling with the same thing? I would love to hear what you have to say about the subject, or any book/article references on the subject. I'm seriously trying to figure things out.

CD1

So, I started spotting today, and fully expect AF tomorrow morning. I fully expected to not be pregnant, as I haven't felt any different and had a BFN on Wednesday morning. I'm still on the progesterone, and Sweets had convinced me that I wouldn't get AF at all until I stopped it. (Side note: is it normal to still get your period normally on pro.metrium?) So I was a little surprised at work this afternoon when I noticed the spotting, and was very thankful that it was later in the day and all my coworkers were gone.

So, we'll be taking this next cycle off from ART, because of the holidays, and will do another IUI January.

On a positive note, we are headed to my boss's tomorrow night for a party celebrating the first night of Hanukah. About a year ago, I learned that my previous boss was being forced out of our department, and that I was pretty much out of a job. But this new guy was joining the department, and was going to need someone with my expertise. I thought about it for a couple of days, and then actually decided not to work for him, and to stop working altogether (because we'd be pregnant any second, right?) I told him that we were working on starting a family, and I turned him down for the job. But he BEGGED me to work for him, and told me he'd take me for as long as I could work for him. At the time I thought this was a god-send and signed on.

Needless to say, things didn't go according to plan. Not only that, but from about July to September, he asked me every month if I was pregnant yet. (More like "how are things going... personally???......) I would dodge the question, say "fine" or something like that. I have tried hard not to give him any opportunity to ask me again. He also asked me repeatedly to tell him "as soon as I find out" to give him every opportunity to find a replacement for me. It makes me want to quit every. single. day. I'm just waiting for an excuse.

Anyway, they have been asking and asking to have us over for dinner, etc, and I've been coming up with excuses, but I think that a party situation is the best way to handle it.

So the positive part about this is: I'll be drinking. Heavily. And I'll make sure he notices.

If I had children...

I would want this for Christmas.

It's a heart necklace custom with two finger prints. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to publish the picture, so I've just linked to the etsy site.

I think it's beautiful.

N

A Better Person, Maybe

For awhile I've been thinking about how how this battle with IF has made me a more considerate person. Prior to IF I was a judgmental, unsympathetic and over-all oblivious person who considered herself rational. I simply couldn't understand why people faced with decisions (like adopting, etc) couldn't make decisions based on fact. I wasn't a horrible and unfeeling person, but things just seemed really black and white to me.

I was that person. The one who would have said "Why don't you just adopt?" or "I have a friend who just stopped trying and poof! They got pregnant!" Now, thankfully, I was NEVER put into that position, because most of my friends married after us, and have not started trying to add to their families. I don't have to look back and regret actually doing that to someone, which I count as a blessing.

I think that in part, this is a large reason that I have trepidation about telling those in my life about our struggle with IF. And I really don't blame people who react with the "adoption" or "advice" type comments, because I can certainly relate. I just simply don't want to hear it, or come up with canned responses for them.

After going through this whole IF process I have developed a lot as a person. And I look at all the women who have been through so much more than I have and wonder how they do it. I have a lot more empathy for those around me, and bite my tongue on a regular basis. I still have a long way to go, but I'm more aware now of my words and advice. I pay attention to what is unsaid in addition to what is voiced.

I can't help but wonder if God has led me down this path as a way to make me realize my faults. To help me grow as a person. To help make my marriage stronger as a result.

At least I hope so.

Pro.gesterone makes me crazy

So apparently, in addition to making me look 4 months pregnant, progesterone also makes me certifiably crazy. I'm now able to go from rational to absolutely nutters in 2.5 seconds!

This Saturday, Sweets dropped me off for my nine o'clock gym/training session and then took the car for the rest of the morning to work. He knew that this is my only weekend to complete all of our Xmas shopping, and that I'd do what shopping I could do around the house, but be waiting for the car to hit the mall when he made it home. I knew that he was bringing home a coworker to hang out for the rest of the day when they were both done at work.

I talked to him around 12:30 and he said he could bring the car home then, or wait for his other coworker to be ready which would take a couple of hours.

Now, Sweets has a SERIOUS problem making a decisions. He basically wants me to make decisions for everything from what we eat for dinner, etc. But in addition to this, he will tell me "no, I don't want that" as I suggest a hundred things. It drives me crazy on a normal day.

So, I tell him that he needs to make this decision. And he just repeats himself, "Well, I could come home if you want me to." Now, I'm sick of being the bad guy and making his decisions all the time. So I repeatedly tell him to make a decision, and when he doesn't, I get mad and hang up on him. (Childish, I know)

So I head out on the bus and hit a shopping area that is a mile or so away from my house. I did what shopping I could do, but after a few hours I was tired, and cranky and present laden. So I call Sweets and ask him if he's headed back any time soon because I'm tired, and cranky, the bus has been re-routed for construction and I'd have to walk about half way home to catch it. He tells me that he's on his way to lunch with a couple of coworkers so it might be awhile.

To which I FREAK. Completely, irrationally FREAK out. Crazy infertile comes out, screaming "NOW you're wasting your time going out to lunch with friends!?! While I'm running freaking errands and waiting for him to come back with the car?! You've got to be kidding me!"

And I tell him I'll find my own way home, and hang up on him. And refuse to pick up his phone calls, and start walking home. He texts me that he's on his way, and I tell him not to bother. I walked home (did I mention it was only 30 degrees?), and he came home anyway. And brings his coworker. I'm assuming as a buffer so that I wouldn't yell at him right then. Then his coworker stayed over for 6 freaking hours, basically right until I went to bed.

Now, I understand that I completely overreacted, and that this is not something I would have done with out the crazy hormones in my system. But I REALLY wanted him to pick me. To understand that I was doing something I HATE doing (Xmas shopping is evil) for the both of us, and the least he could have done was get me the car to make it easier. Or not planned to have lunch with his friends to drive me home.

Now I'm left wondering if I'll do the progesterone in subsequent cycles. I'm not sure if our relationship can handle me being so off kilter in addition to everything else.

---

I have too many posts in my head swimming around that I want to write about. It's actually been preventing me from writing the past couple of days. I'm going to try to get them all out this week.

More Holiday Crazy

So, I was talking to Sweets last night and he mentioned that his mom has bowling on Saturday that we are there, and told us we were on our own for the night. (There is a possibility that she'll get out of it, but doesn't sound likely, or like she really wants to do that.)

So here's the timeline for our holiday.

W - 23rd - fly across country and arrive at 10 pm. drive 1 hour to MIL's house.

Th - 24th - Drive to SIL's house. Crazy will ensue.

F - 25th - Xmas

Sat - 26th - Drive back to MIL's house. She and (step) FIL will go out bowling

Sun - 27th - no plans, maybe extended family

Mon - fly home.

So I promptly tell Sweets that we should go into the large city that is ~ an hour away from MIL's house because we haven't been there in years. We can have a nice dinner or something, and just hang out together. He drags his feet about this because he doesn't want to get in the way of other peoples plans. (This, of course, makes me FREAK because of the way they are all behaving.)

I send MIL an email that says "Hey! Sweets just told me you're bowling on Saturday night, and I was thinking about hitting the big city. We haven't been there in years, and it would be so much fun. However, it doesn't make sense for us to drive all the way to your house just to double back to the big city, so would you mind dropping us off on the the way home? Not even all the way there, but to somewhere we could grab a train or bus would be great."

Her response? (paraphrase): " I mentioned to Sweets about bowling because I know it's your anniversary and maybe you'd like to do something together, so if you want to go into the city that day, that's fine with us. As for getting there, we will have our DOG WITH US, so we'll have to play it by ear. Maybe you'll have to get a ride from other SIL. Though there may be a bus right from SIL's small town. I'll figure out if there is a way to do it."

This has disaster written all over it. I read the email to Sweets and his response? "THAT'S not what she told me on the phone. She said that she has to play this game because of the way the league is run, and they've already missed too many games."

I wrote back a really nice email thanking her for being so thoughtful, and to let me know if she needs anything from us to make it happen. But I'm not counting on it. I also stated that we usually choose not to celebrate our anniversary because it's so close to Xmas, and we want to see the family. (Actually hadn't even known what day it was that weekend, because it's so not on my radar.)

The best part!?! I just realized that our anniversary is SUNDAY.

This is actually starting to be comical. It's making me laugh, which is a lot better than before. I never expect them to be something they aren't, and to not be selfish, but I'm working on getting Sweets on the same page, so that we can distance ourselves from the crazy at least a little bit.

huh?

So today is day 4 on prometrium/progesterone. Due to my irregular bleeding, the RE thought it was worth a shot.

I woke up this morning and almost couldn't zip my fat jeans. Yesterday I was super comfy in my one size down, and feeling like I'd lost some weight, even.

This is unbelievable! Holy crap!

Does anyone have any suggestions for de-bloating? (i may have just made up that word. Just sayin')

Letter to my SIL

When I wrote about the Christmas debacle of 2009, Michelle wisely suggested that I write out an email (and not send it) as a therapeutic exercise. I think it's a fabulous idea, so here goes.

Dear Sasha, (and MIL, and Fiona would be cc'd because they would get it forwarded to them anyway),

I am writing to share with you my feelings of frustration over the turn of events surrounding Christmas. I genuinely feel like you did not listen to Sweets' voiced concerns, and I would like to lay out our/my feelings on the subject. As all of you know, I am a straight forward person and while I have bit my tongue in the past, I feel like I need to get this out so that we are all on the same page.

In August, I sent an email asking you to pick a place for Christmas specifically to avoid this current scenario. As all of you know, traveling for long distances is hard on my back since I injured it working 4 years ago. Turning around to drive for at least three hours within 24 hours of flying across the country is difficult, and I was trying to avoid this. I knew that this was a possibility because we have routinely been forced to change our plans when we come to visit because of your change of plans, hence the email.

This is not to say that I do not understand your reason for wanting to meet at your house. I COMPLETELY get it. You have three kids, and it's difficult to travel with them. But NONE of this is new information from when we booked our tickets three months ago. NONE of it. I understand that your schedule had not been figured out, but a simple "I don't know my schedule. If I have time off, I'd like to do Xmas here, and if not, it would make sense for you to go to Mom's house" would have allowed us to make the decision to NOT travel for the holidays, and try again next year.

Quite frankly, it is incredibly selfish of you to do this to us time and time again. You suit yourself in absolutely every circumstance, and I am truly sick of it.

As Sweets hinted at on the phone with you, we do not want to spend a number of days crammed in a house with your children, who will be getting up at what would equal 3 or 4 am in the morning for us. We had this all decided at MIL's house, and had a cheap hotel room to go to. Now, we will be forced to spend 200+ dollars a night to stay in a hotel.

During your phone conversation with Sweets, you stated over and over again that this is the best way for everyone, and this was going to make for a better Christmas for all. Don't kid yourself. This makes for a better Christmas for YOU, and that's why you are rearranging everything this way. So own up to it.

Calling someone and asking them to change their plans NICELY, and ACKNOWLEDGING that you have screwed up is the way to handle a situation like this. It's common sense that you don't call them and tell them that this will be better for them, and try to convince them that you are right. You apologize, and ask nicely if they would consider rearranging all of their own plans. After all, you are the one imposing when you have already previously signed off on the plans. (OR in your case, ignored the email that I sent you and do whatever you want, which is what you always do.)

You have not once put yourself out to see us when we've come into town, and you certainly wouldn't travel to come and see us (though you don't mind making the cross country trip to your brother in law's house). For heaven's sake, you couldn't even make it to our wedding, bridal shower or stay for the entirety of our east coast reception.

After this holiday, we will no longer put ourselves out to accommodate you.

In addition, I have absolutely no desire to ride around with you on Christmas Eve to run errands and take your children to see Santa Claus. What would make you think that we would WANT to do that? We have no children, and this would be torture. I will be fine hanging out in our hotel room if that doesn't not work with your schedule.

Also, we will not be getting up at 6 am to watch your children open presents. As I have mentioned before, that's 3 am for us. I don't expect the kids to wait to open their gifts, but we don't need to be there for it. We can exchange with the family later in the morning.

I'm very sorry that it has come to this, but this was really the last straw for me.

Nixy

PS. "F" YOU YOU FERTILE, INSENSITIVE BITCH!

-----

If I was actually going to send this, I wouldn't have worded it quite so harshly. (I might be tactless, but I'm not stupid. :)) Actually, maybe the first half would stay the same.

I am teetering on whether or not to send the email or say something when we actually get there. I think that they need to know that this behavior is why we won't be traveling to see them for a holiday EVER again. I could just be passive aggressive like them and not mention it, and never bother to go, though.

Erg!

Counseling Session Number Two

Sweets and I attended our second counseling session last night. Things have been really good the past two weeks since our last session. We talked about our problems with his family for the holiday season, and I talked about how great it was that Sweets and I are finally on the same page about the crazy that they throw at us.

It used to be that his family would do something like this (see previous post) and Sweets would try to defend their actions, or tell me that I was overreacting to the situation. But he told the counselor tonight that he "finally saw through their manipulations" and that helped him to be a little more straightforward with them. He wasn't super direct, but he let them know that he/we weren't happy about the whole situation, which is a HUGE step for him.

The counselor told us that she thought we were working with each other really well, and we scheduled our next appointment for AFTER the holidays.

Afterwards, we drove through to get some fast food (yuck, I know) and Sweets asked me "Is it helping you to talk to this woman? Are you getting something out of it?"

"Yeah, because it helps you to talk things through with out becoming a jerk."

This was far too straight forward. I have a serious problem with being too direct some times. One of the biggest problems that we have is that Sweets escalates perfectly rational conversations into all out debates nearly immediately. He feels the need to convince everyone he's right, even when there isn't a wrong/right side. This also goes hand in hand with his inability to apologize about ANYTHING. I meant to say this in a nicer way, and I failed miserably.

He didn't say anything about it, but then picked a fight with me when we got home about the curtains being open. Realizing that this was not actually about curtains, I told him to go stop picking a fight and come talk to me when he decided he wanted to have a real conversation.

Sigh. Two steps forward, one step back.

In laws and Holiday Crazy

This morning, we got a call from Sweets' sister. She has decided that Christmas will now be held at her house, so that she doesn't have to travel with her three kids (and she's pregnant with #4) for 2 hours (4 in traffic) on Christmas.

Now, I believe that I have mentioned before that she is a selfish creature, and that she has done this to us before. Sweets' entire family is terrible at making plans, and that would all be fine, except that we have to fly across the country to get to them. Which means that we need to know months in advance WHERE the family is convening. It has routinely been a problem.

This year, I sent everyone an email in August saying that we'd really like to join them for one of the holidays this year, but tickets are expensive, so we'd like them to pick which of the holidays, and where it would be. I really thought that this would combat all of the problems that they had in the past.

The plan WAS that we fly to their mom's house, stay there for a night, and then in a hotel for a couple of nights when the sister comes down to invade the house with all of her children. I should add that we WANT to stay at a hotel for this time, because of a debacle a couple years ago where she dumped her kids off, and went to stay at a hotel herself, leaving us to watch her kids for her. (It was awful awful awful.)

We already have our tickets. To Sweets' mothers house. 150 miles away from his sister and in another state. But we're expected to have no problem getting in a car and driving all that way after flying across the country. Especially when we could have just bought tickets to her house in the first place.

-------

Spending the holiday with a pregnant person was going to be hard enough. But, she's already planned our Christmas Eve, which consists of following her around to drop off her Christmas presents to people, and take her children to see Santa Claus and get pictures of them. Who in their right mind thinks that other people want to do this with them? Do I have the right to refuse to do this with them?

We got online right away and booked a hotel room; which of course is now 230 bucks a night because it's so f-ing close to the day. I told him I would go, but I refused to stay at her house and Sweets firmly told them that we would not be staying with them. We'll be three hours behind them, and I'm not going to add sleep deprivation to the list of torture that week.

The icing on the cake is that we are SITTING OUT a cycle to be there with them on Christmas (because I should actually be ovulating on Xmas day).

I certainly feel like writing out an email to them all, which I know is probably a bad idea. I certainly know that we will NEVER plan another Christmas with them. I can deal with it (and should say that I normally do) during a normal vacation, but this is just too damn much. Maybe I'll wait until afterwards. I do know that I'm going to have a really hard time keeping my mouth shut about all of this, and am hoping the anger fades in the next four weeks.

Thanksgiving recap

So lots of little things happened this Thanksgiving.

First, it was the 9th anniversary of Sweets and my first date. We have decided this year that we aren't giving each other presents for anything (holidays or anniversary) because the IF treatments are so expensive, and we have zero health insurance coverage. Now, we are lucky that we have no mortgage so that we can actually afford to pay the RE bills. I used to see NOT having a house as a major curse, and now I actually believe that G-d was preparing us for the whole IF journey.

Anyhoo, we woke up on Thursday morning to cook the turkey, and Sweets whips out a jewelry box. "Just a little something because your wonderful, and to remind you of me." He says. And I burst out crying. Inside was a delicate silver bracelet, one that I can wear all the time to remind me of him. I had gotten him a card, and written the ten reasons I was thankful for him in it. It felt woefully inadequate, but he got teary eyed reading it. It was a good morning.

------------

We cooked the turkey and transported it to my sister's house, where we ate a big meal, and played some games. We talked and laughed, and my sister in law was drinking, which means she's not pregnant yet, and I had half been expecting a pregnancy announcement from them.

My sister has a very bad habit of talking about the rest of the family in front of her kids. I have personally witnessed her two oldest children confronting other family members with things that they've heard their mom discussing. I usually keep my head down and off the radar, but I guess it was only a matter of time.

At some point, my 8 year old niece looked at me and asked "Are you ever going to have a baby?" I simply replied "Eventually."

This probably means that my mother and sister were talking about me during their preparations for the big dinner. It drives me crazy because I knew it was going to happen. I guess my REAL problem with the whole situation is that it's just disappointing that I wasn't wrong.

The up side of this, however, is that I think it means that they are going to stop pestering me about it. At least a girl can hope.

Ten

Given the Holiday, and the nature of this blog, I've decided to list 10 reasons that I am thankful for my husband. I'm working hard to erase the negative influence of infertility on my marriage, and last night, I was lying awake and I realized number one on the list:

I am thankful...

1. that my husband lets me absolutely hog the bed. And the covers. He'll even lay stick straight all night long. I have no idea how he sleeps like that.

2. for my husband's blind faith in God. He reminds me to be a better Christian (without actually reminding me).

3. that he straightens the house. Because I HATE doing it. Hate hate hate it. But I LOVE having a neat house. (don't ask how that works, it doesn't make sense).

4. that he likes to cook, and is so very good at it.

5. that he doesn't worry about money like I do.

6. that he was alright settling thousands of miles away from his family, so that we could be close to mine.

7. for his musical talent. I love hearing him play the guitar.

8. for his abilities to do anything with electronic equipment or computers.

9. for his willingness to travel at my pace with this whole infertility craziness, even though he may not agree with it.

10. for the good times and bad times over the 9 years we've been together, and 6 married. As I look back on the years, it seems like the bad times have drawn us closer together, and I'm hoping that weathering the IF storm does the same.

No internet and new RE visit

The internet has been down at my house, which is seriously cramping my ICLW and blogging this week. Hopefully we figure it out soon, so I can stop using my work hours to do this. tee hee.

We had our first in person visit with our RE yesterday. She did an ultrasound and says that my ovaries and lining look great, and that my antral follicles look good. She thinks I'll surge today and ovulate tomorrow (yeah turkey day). But my OPK this morning looked very low, so I'm thinking (and hoping) that the IUI won't be tomorrow so I won't have to worry about it on the holiday.

She also thinks that my spotting during luteal phase is due to low progesterone, and has prescribed Pro.metrium for this month. She seems knowledgeable, and is the first person to sound concerned at all about my spotting issues (which I have previously thought may be an issue).

We also learned something new about Sweets' SA. Turns out that his strict morphology is only 7% (Kruger score). This means that while he has tons of sperm, most of them aren't perfect. Apparently this is only a problem if he had a low sperm count, or if the percentage was less than 4. So he's a "borderline," but the Dr thinks that's probably not really going to hinder us because his other numbers look so good.

So, we're doing one more natural IUI, then a completely natural cycle due to my ovulation in December probably being smack dab on Xmas day. If neither of those work, we'll move on to Letra.zole in January.

Everything is still about as clear as mud, but I'm glad to have an action plan. At this point, I'd rather be doing and failing than wandering aimlessly like we have been for the past few months.

My first ICLW

Hi ICLW ers!

Welcome to my blog. I started blogging just a few weeks ago, amid a serious marital crisis brought on by infertility. We are new to the infertility game, and are "only" starting our second IUI this week. Married for 6 years, and I have been pressuring Sweets for kids for about four or those years. I have past medical history of pelvic pain and irregular bleeding which led to an ultrasound "diagnosis" of adenomyosis (I have been told by subsequent OB/GYNs that this is not diagnosable via ultrasound). After that diagnosis, I had a complete breakdown and begged for kids, but Sweets said no.

That was the start of what I would consider the falling apart of our marriage. I was so hurt, and angry that he could be so selfish that I shut down a lot of myself. Now that we've been trying for over a year, and have a failed treatment under our belts, I have become MORE angry. I realize that this doesn't help matters, but I can't help it. He, on the other hand, has started to claim some responsibility, and understand how I've been feeling about all of this.

We started seeing a counselor last week, and things are finally looking up. I feel much better about everything than I did even two months ago. This is our road to recovery, whether it includes our own baby or not.

Silver Lining

Tonight, I am going to a show. Not a Broadway show, but a small venue rock concert of one of my favorite bands. It's not a mainstream name, but they have been around (at least on my radar) for the last 10 years or so. I won't give their name for fear of being found out.

And tomorrow is New Moon!! (The new Twilight movie for those that don't know...) I'm one of THOSE people. I love the books. I've read them 6 times. I should qualify that I am a Reader. I'd rather read than watch TV, and I have several books that I can read over and over again and they comfort me. The Twilight series are a few of those books. I was embarrassed to admit that I had read them for about a year, but I've gotten over it. :)

I am super excited, and it makes me feel a little better that I wouldn't be doing either of these if I didn't have kids. Ha! One point for the infertile!

First Counseling Session

Sweets and I had our first counseling session together on Monday night. Things have been swirling through my head a bit, and I'm still thinking about everything, but it was over all a positive experience.

Some things surprised me about the visit in general. Mainly about how Sweets acted, and then about how I felt/interpreted them.

I feel like I create too many lists on this blog, and will work to fix that (aka become more creative), but for now it's just the easiest and quickest way for me to get everything.

1. Sweets talked a lot. Generally he is very shy unless he's extremely comfortable in a situation or with the people he's around. I am usually the much more talkative one, and he probably talked 70% of the time.

2. He acknowledged that both he and his job have a lot to do with the problems that we are having in our marriage.

3. He told the counselor that his reasons for going to counseling were exactly the reasons I HAVE been using to try to get him to go to counseling for the past couple of years.

4. He spoke repeatedly about how perceptive I am, and how perceptive he is NOT. And sort of about my strengths in general. (This is just not something that we had really talked about before, and not something I thought he would have registered).

Now, even though this sounds all very positive, I feel sort of pessimistic about it. Things seemed to me to come out in a way that I felt as though he was trying to make his case about everything, and preemptively "score points." This is not a side I have seen of Sweets, though we've never actually been in this sort of situation before so I'm not sure why I would have seen it. Normally I would put this off on myself, and I would think that I was being paranoid. But something my Mom told me long ago has been playing over and over in my head.

At some point several years ago we were talking about Sweets and my mother commented that "He's just SO COMPETITIVE with you." Now, she normally would never say something like that to me. She's a gossip, but she very much believes in the sanctity of a marriage and a marital relationship.

So what's that mean? I don't know. Maybe it's just his reaction to being in a stressful situation?? It's pretty uncomfortable to be sitting in front of someone who's entire purpose is to JUDGE YOU. (hee hee, ok, so I know not really judge, but you know what I mean...) I guess we'll see if counseling can help us through all the problems, and maybe once we get more comfortable in our sessions, things won't be so tense. I think maybe I should cut him some slack for at least a few more sessions.

Erg!

I just realized that I didn't enable comments on my blog! (Really, I'm usually not so ditzy.) My apologies to anyone who was frustrated by the inability to leave a comment.

Update: I just realized that I had to turn on comment moderation in order to get everyone else's comments to show up from the last two weeks. I think I finally have it sorted from here on out. Again, apologies from the newbie-blogger.

Nope, not pregnant

AF showed up on Friday evening (as I was expecting). Sweets and I went out for an expensive dinner and split a bottle of wine. We then had several good, and several bad conversations in our inebriated state.

1. (Good) We talked about foster parent orientation. I have wanted to be a foster parent since high school, and it is something that we've talked about off and on for a few years. Sweets wasn't too keen on the idea, assuming that we would have our own kids "soon" and didn't want to complicate things. Now that our own kids might not factor in, we've decided to at least go to the orientation to see what it's all about. Sweets is still hesitant (rightly so) because things are so up in the air with us, but we'll at least have our bases covered when/if we want to pursue it.

2. (Good) Medicated cycle? I got an appointment with the RE for the 23rd. We will develop a game plan and see if we want to pursue a medicated cycle (we are leaning towards no here, but it's still TBD).

3. (Good) We decided our plan for the holidays. Our next IUIs will probably be the day after Thanksgiving, and Xmas day. So, we are going to sit out Xmas, because we will be traveling to my in laws, who do not know.

4. (Bad) I have mentioned to Sweets previously that Xmas will be hard for me this year and we revisited this conversation at dinner. Not only are we traveling away from my family, but we will be sitting out a cycle AND his sister is pregnant with her FOURTH child. She has had two pregnancies since we have been trying. She's also one of those people who I KNOW will pressure us ("when are you going to have kids???? you've been married FOREVER! don't you want them???" etc, etc)

This opened up "can of worms" conversation number 5, and I was "that" crazy woman at dinner, arguing with her husband and certainly ruining the dinners of the people sitting next to me.

5. (Bad, very EXTREMELY bad) I cannot stand my sister in law, and Sweets is very close with her. I, for the most part, keep my mouth shut about it, and put on the nice face and she "thinks I'm great," according to Sweets. I do NOT WANT HER KNOWING about our IF, and Sweets wants to tell her, because they are close. We'll call her Sasha.

There are several reasons why I don't want Sasha knowing, and why I don't like her (and this post would be extremely long if I decided to go into them all, but I'll try to just gloss over a few).

I don't like her for one main reason: she is extremely selfish. She did not attend our wedding, or my bridal shower because it was not convenient for her to be there. When we travel across the country to see Sweets' family, she can't be bothered to make the trip down to his mom's house to see us, and we then have to make the 3 hour drive (in addition to the 6 hour flight) to see her. There is much more to this story but it's whole-other-post-worthy. This is strike number one.

I don't want her to know about her IF for the same reason I don't want to tell my own mother: I don't trust her to keep her mouth shut. There is good reason for my trepidation. A cousin of theirs recently had to terminate a pregnancy (a very wanted pregnancy) for medical reasons. While they are telling everyone else that she miscarried, Sasha knows the real reason and talked to Sweets about it. This is strike number two.

Sasha is also close with their other sister (Fiona) who has a terrible gossiping problem. So, a common scene of drama in the in laws house is that Fiona spreads everyone else's gossip around (including Sasha's). Strike number three.

My worry is that even if she didn't spread it herself, that Sasha would tell Fiona, and it would get around to everyone in the family. And, while we may end up telling everyone some day, I do not want to feel pressured to tell everyone because people are suddenly finding out from the gossip mill.

Does anyone else have any problems with gossips in their family? It seems like I'm getting it from both sides and now I'm wondering if I'm just being overly sensitive about the whole thing. Maybe I'm worrying for nothing, and we should just tell people. Sigh, I don't know.

d10pIUI#1

I've been feeling decidedly normal since the IUI 10 days ago, despite my mind's best efforts. It nags: Aren't you more tired? Aren't you a little more sore than usual? Was that cramp out of the ordinary???

Today I made the mistake of POAS because I'm meeting a friend for coffee tonight after work, and I kinda wanted to go full caffeinated... BFN, but of course I won't believe it until this weekend, when AF is actually due. Decaf it is. Now I just ask myself why did I waste the test? Apparently, I'm just maso.chistic.

About life in general: I'm feeling much better today. Sweets booked an appointment with a counselor for the both of us next Monday. I wanted him to do it, to feel like he was part of the solution to all of this, and I think it's working. [Also, because nothing I ever do is good enough, so this way he can't bitch at me about how I've picked the wrong counselor.]

Apparently

Apparently I have not been as good at covering my feelings as I thought. Today my sister told me that I have been acting very crabby lately and asked what's wrong. (not in a way that she really wanted to know, but more in the "knock it off" sort of way.)

I suppose I should re-visit the whole arena of why we aren't telling people about what is going on in our lives. Or why _I_ don't want to tell people about our IF status, because I think that Sweets would be completely willing to do that (he thinks that it would shut people up, and I don't agree). The main reason is my mother. She is a Gossip. The kind of busybody that doesn't have much to do but talk about everyone else, TO everyone else. My family is actually pretty close, and for the most part we simply don't tell her things that we don't want everyone else to know. I should note that she does great with short-termed news, like first trimester pregnancy announcements. But anything longer than that and the "If I tell you something, will you promise not to repeat it?.... " starts to creep out of her.

Our relationship has been disintegrating over the past few months, and I know that she is dumbfounded as to why it's happening. Part of me is VERY angry at her for her personality and this makes me angry at myself for feeling this way.

She can't help it! She can't! It's just in her DNA! My rational self screams at me.

I don't care! I need my mother and I can't tell her any of this! Screams back the Crazy IFer.

And so I have chosen to keep her at arms length. indefinitely. I feel like eventually we will get pregnant and it will be come a non-issue, but as the months wear on and on it's just becoming harder and harder.

And part of me realizes that she's probably just gossiping about me ANYWAY, and making up her own ideas about what is really wrong. Maybe I should just tell her and get everything out in the open.

MMI (More Marital Issues)

A lot has happened in the past two weeks. I have been digesting everything and trying to figure out how to put it into a cohesive blog-posting. I'm also worried that he could find this blog and get very angry with me for posting about all of this, and considered not posting about it at all. But I think that the therapeutic value of doing this will be worth it. (I'm also thinking about participating in IComLeaveWe this month).

A week ago (Thursday) I had an all-out panic attack. I was VERY thankful that no one was around me when it happened. Preceding this attack was the realization that my husband is an emotional abuser. I came to this realization after reading two blogs about marriage and IF (whichbox.blogspot.com and jo-mojoworking.blogspot.com).

I should state here that I am a VERY independent person, and rarely let him get away with the behaviors that are abusive. But it does wear on a person, regardless of how strong.

I had never put it together quite like this before. I was a bit shell shocked, and went to girls weekend anyway, and got a chance to talk about it very briefly with my best friend (who is very grounded and gives great advice). She wisely asked me if I was overreacting because of everything going on in my life right now. I said I could be, and decided to think about it some more.

Then on Sunday, we went in for our first round of IUI. On the way there, we got into a ridiculous fight about something trivial. He belittled my ability to park, and then told me that he wasn't going to go through with the IUI while we were in the elevator going up to the office. We argued with the door of the elevator open for a bit, and were interrupted by the security guard, at which point, Sweets snapped back into the real world, and everything was suddenly fine.

I should also give you a little back story on Sweets' family. He was raised primarily by his wonderful mother, as his parents divorced when he was quite young. His father is/was a CLASSIC emotional abuser. His mom says "He was only ever happy when I was crying." He continues to be that way with his new wife, and he chooses uneducated and dependent women to marry so that they can never leave him.

Last night, Sweets and I had a very frank conversation (no yelling, yea!) about all of this, and I told him I thought he was being emotionally abusive to me. And he actually HEARD ME. REALLY heard me. We chewed on lots of issues, and at one point I asked him,

"If everything is so terrible and bad, why are you still here, and why are we still trying to have a baby?"

His response was, "Because this is my fault, and I want to fix it." And apparently he's considering quitting his all-consuming, crazy crazy job to do it.

I feel hopeful for the first time in a long time. We are going to find a counselor (something he has previously refused to do) and see if we can get everything worked out.

I did not cry today....

... in front of anyone.

This was a monumental achievement given the circumstances.

I have a group of close friends that I have known since 5th grade and became close with during high school. We see each other about once a year if we can swing it. This weekend was that weekend this year, and we all got together to hang out.

One of these girls is 4 months pregnant, though they started trying 5 or 6 months after us. I was devastated when I found out, but able to both be and act happy for her. This weekend was going to be hard, because I know that she's showing with a cute little belly, and that the vast majority of what would be talked about would be babies and pregnancy. I was more than slightly dreading it, and seriously considered canceling.

Last night, we caught a movie, grabbed some dinner, talked about babies and babies and more babies, and I managed to get through it with a glass of wine or two. Then, shortly after waking up this morning, another one of the girls told us that she is also pregnant (she already has twins). I am so very happy for both of them. and I am so very sorry for myself.

To add insult to injury, I LH surged this morning, forcing me to leave the festivities early and also explain to them why I was doing this. Sweets and I have really wanted to keep this as a "need to know" situation.

Anyhoo, in response to my news, pregnant friend number one says, "Yeah, I never even got my period for 4 months after stopping the pill and then got pregnant. The doctor was thinking of putting me on met.formin."

Now, my rational self realizes that she was trying to be understanding, and connect with me because she may have thought she was having problems... But what I hear is this: "I got pregnant the first time I ovulated."

I want to be a better friend than this! It's so frustrating!

At least I feel like I'm presenting myself well outwardly.

___________

IUI tomorrow morning. crossing our fingers

____________

As a side note, I had my first full-blown panic attack on Thursday. I nearly lost it completely, and was only glad that none of my coworkers were around to witness it. Finding a therapist is now number one on my to do list for next week.

___________

Feeling a little more upbeat, actually got some good news.

Yesterday my husband called me at work (this is a rarity). I could tell from the way his voice sounds that he had on a large, cheshire cat sized grin. He had just gotten off the phone with his doctor, with great news: His sperm count was 167 million/ml with a total of 5 mls. Motility is 65%, straight swimmers. There was a 3% peroxidase reaction, but I'm not sure what this means, something about white cells, and they are doing more tests?

Basically he is a sperm producing rock star. I got to listen to it all night, and it was very cute. It also made me feel really bad about myself. Does this mean that I'm the soul reason we can't get pregnant? It probably does. bummer.

I talked to my doctor yesterday afternoon and it looks like the HSG show clear tubes. I also continued to bleed until this morning (2 full days), have cramps and the pinching, stabbing pain I usually get the last week of my cycle. Hopefully that doesn't mean that something is going to be screwed up for this cycle, because we are on for IUI this weekend.

We talked a lot less night about what the plan is going to be from here on out. We actually went through the entire conversation with no raised voices, which is rare and very, very good. He is hesitant to do IUI mainly because he doesn't like the fact that it's "artificial." It make me wonder if this is why he's been picking fights with me about all of this. I can totally see where he's coming from, and my counter point to this is: If you're so great at making sperm, and my tubes are clear, and I'm ovulating, why aren't we pregnant? We obviously need help. Maybe there is a mucous or cervical problem?

I hate the fact that none of this is covered by insurance so we're left with forging ahead without a full workup.

We also talked about how we have no confidence in our doctor after the HSG debacle. She isn't on call this weekend, so we'll have the IUI from whoever is on call, and then jump ship to a very nice RE that I spoke with on the phone last week. (I found a great clinic that offers free first consultations via phone.)

Ouch

Went in for the HSG today. The time line of the morning looks like this:

Took 400 mg Advil before leaving the house at 7:20 am. Appointment was at 8 am which was the first appointment from the day.

7:25 get in a fight with Sweets on the way to the hospital about the fact that he still hasn't scheduled a SA with his urologist (he went in last week for a look at a varicocele). If we do IUI this weekend, we need to know if he's producing sperm. He yells out that he has a testicular lump that he thinks might be cancer. He does this to "win" the argument. I should add that this is pretty common for him. He with holds something, acts weird, and when I press him on it, the real true comes out in some terrible, horrible way.

7:45 Get to the hospital, Sweets parks and I check in like I have been instructed.

7:50 Change into flimsy hospital gown, go over the procedure with the technician and then wait. and wait.

8:20 The technician calls the doctor's office and and page the doctor. I finally call my doctor's nursing desk and leave a message around 8:30.

8:45 Sweets and I are deciding whether or not to leave (we kind of just want to wait it out because we don't want to have to go through this again, and we'd have to wait until next month because it's cycle day 9 today)

8:50 Doctor rushes in, saying she just got paged by the nurse (didn't get our pages because technician had the wrong number). But get this: SHE WALKS IN WITH COFFEE. Rule number one in my book of etiquette is this if you are running late, you'd better not show up with coffee, thus implying that your coffee was more important than my time.

Doctor apologizes "i'm sorry, sorry sorry...." And while she doesn't say it, it's apparent that she simply forgot she had an early patient this morning.

9 am we start the procedure. And she botches it. Not once, but TWICE the clamps come off of my cervix when she is removing the speculum. I think that if the catheter had just stayed in, the procedure wouldn't have been that painful. But each time that she had to re-insert it, the pain increased. It brought tears to my eyes, and something has to be pretty painful to get that reaction.

The second time she had to insert it, Sweets jumped forward and grabbed my hand. After it was all done, I finally turned to look at him (he was slightly behind me so I couldn't see him during everything) and he looked panicked and livid at the same time. He said later that he was so angry at her for causing me unnecessary pain that he couldn't talk to her, even though he had questions to ask. He was uncharacteristically protective of me, which I found surprising and comforting.

Good news is that the doctor said from first look that tubes are clear. I've had bad cramps all day, and have been bleeding, but it's fading as the day goes on.

It's been a bad day

HSG tomorrow

So, tomorrow is a big day. I go in for an HSG to see if my tubes are blocked. This will be a pivotal bit of information for us (But really, what tests aren't when you are going through infertility).

For a lot of infertility patients, an HSG is the beginning of diagnostic testing. For us, it very may will be the end of our fertility treatments, because blocked tubes would mean moving on to IVF. As unpopular as this may seem for the infertile world: I do not believe in IVF. (insert gasp here). I mean, I can completely understand why so many people do it, but I just can't take the responsibility on myself with the "picking the appropriate blasts/embryos and choosing-not-to-use-others" aspect of the procedure. Maybe I will change my mind somewhere in this journey, but I guess I just don't know.

I realize that we could chose to only fertilize a limited number of eggs, and have all of them implanted. However, I also realize how much that would decrease our chances of getting pregnant, and INCREASE our chances of birth defects and multiples. I definitely think that infertility patients are not getting the whole story when it comes to the birth defects, increased rates of laryngeal hemangiomas, complications of twinnings, etc that exist for babies born from IVF itself. In actuality, there haven't been a whole lot of long term studies on kids born from IVF because it is a relatively new field (medically speaking). UCSF is currently doing one of the more comprehensive studies on it, but the data is not yet available.

So, tomorrow is a big day. I could be the end of our dreams of having biological children. For some reason, I feel somewhat at peace with this today, and have only cried once since waking up. It may be better for my planning-oriented mind to just have a solid answer. Does anyone else feel like this? Sometimes it's the waiting and not knowing itself that is the worst part to me.

Disappointment (on so many levels)

The background

My parents have recently told me that they will help me to go back to school, should I choose to apply. I have tossed around going back to graduate or professional school for quite some time. The list of reasons for NOT applying to school has sort of looked like this:

1. We owe tons of money toward Sweets' schooling, and therefore could not afford to take on more debt.

2. We did not live near my family (until recently).

3. Sweets' chosen profession requires a quite large city to live in, and most of the grad programs I would be interested in are in small towns.

4. Having a family is number one priority, and I haven't wanted to work once I had children. Because we foolishly thought that this would be now, there seemed like there was no reason at all for me to go back to school, because I wouldn't be working.

disappointment number 1

Obviously, possibly not having children has put the wrench into the gears. I've pretty much banked all of my life decisions on the family card, and now that may be taken out of the deck, I have been forced to rethink the decisions I have made.

It now seems like the only problem we could have to hurdle is number 3. We could move to an area (in our same state) that would be 45 minute drive from a place that he could work, and I could go to school. It will take me at least 2 years to get my act together (take tests required, a few foundation classes, etc) before any sort of plan would be put into action. However, this would mean that Sweets compromises on his profession, and takes a job that a little less than perfect. Conversations on this topic have been less like conversations more like arguments.

disapointment number 2

Sweets has always said that I have been and EXTREMELY supportive spouse (especially of his professional choices). I suppose I thought that would be reciprocated, but isn't looking like it is. It is disappointing to me that he can't be what I need.

the worst disappointment?

I told him today that I think my mother is disappointed in him. (While she did not come out and say it, I felt that's how she was feeling during my discussion about them paying for school.) I get the feeling that she's upset that he's not making enough money to support me and a family while paying of his loans. She is incredibly proud of all that he has done, but probably thinks that by now he should have all of his stuff figured out. My parents see that I did not return to school for financial reasons, and want that to not be a worry for me.

I foolishly did not expect him to take it as hard as he thought. He took it much worse than any of the conversations I've had with him about how I'M stressed/upset about fertility, finances and savings, etc. I'm left to contemplate why this has hit him so hard? With all of the failures that we've been facing recently why is it MY mother of all things that finally got a reaction? Is it because it hits him in his professional life and his decisions there? Is that worth so much more than our FAMILY?

Sigh. I feel like I don't know how to be a good wife right now. I need a break.

His Dysfunction

HIM

To me, Sweetie's biggest problem is his complete inability to apologize, admit he was wrong or communicate in any way. He is NOT the typical jock I-don't-share-my-emotions type of person, he just cannot admit fault.

For instance, if he knocks a glass full of wine over (which he did at my sister's house, onto a white suede chair) he will simply say "oh, I was reaching for the soup" as if explaining why it happened is some sort of apology.

ME

This is amplified by one of my personal faults: It is incredibly difficult for me to forgive someone unless I am apologized to. As a Christian, this is probably the number one thing that I struggle to right about myself.

BLAME

I don't think that anyone reading this can't see where it's heading. I blame my husband for the problems that we are having. I am ANGRY at him. VERY VERY angry at him for making me wait. Even in the face of medical problems known to give problems conceiving. I am angry at him for belittling my pain. I am angry at him for not being supportive even now that we are having real problems conceiving and I am being drawn into a deep pit of despair. I am angry that I will probably be at least 31 by the time we have children (adopted, fostered or otherwise) I am MOST ANGRY at him for not apologizing for his role in all of this. If he would man up and act a little guilty or upset about doing this, I think I could move past it.

AS IT IS

But all I do is cry, and he tells me that I'm being silly,

that we don't even know what is wrong,

that technically we've only been trying for 11 months so we aren't actually infertile yet,

that I've always wanted to be a foster parent so we'll just do that... (which doesn't really sound like he believes the first things he said, does it?)

And it just makes me feel alone, and awful, and even more sad then I already am.

My Dysfunction

Where to start... I suppose I have many dysfunctional personality traits that have contributed to the problems in my marriage.

First, I am a complete Type A personality. When a problem is laid in front of me, I can typically see all possible outcomes, and can quickly decide the easiest way to proceed. This suits me perfectly for my job, but causes me to be radically impatient and to worry incessantly about the things that I cannot fix/control. This drives my slow moving, plodding Sweets absolutely crazy (and the reverse).

I am a VERY high strung. This allows me to get things done efficiently and quickly, and I have a hard time resting if I have anything on my "To Do" list. It creates an edge around me when I'm busy and makes me sharp and prickly. This is particularly in respect to time. I am early to everything, and incredibly reliable. On the flip side, when I have nothing to do, I have a very easy time relaxing, but I need to have everything done and taken care of. (Note that this is one of the reasons that infertility is extremely hard for me.)

Sweets on the other hand, has no concept of time, and is incredibly laid back. He will sleep until noon, fix food and eat until 1, go to the gym, and then be surprised that all of the stores are closed on a Sunday. (And then exclaim, "well, I guess I have to wait until next weekend!") When we first started living together, the compromise was that he would be up, and ready to go by noon, and would find me out and about wherever I happened to be (with no nagging).

Other than this particular frustration, the only thing that we ever really argued about prior to the issues of infertility was money. (I am cheap, and he is not). I come from a family of savers; from a family that put all four of their kids through college and paid for three weddings outright and did it all on a modest income. He comes from a family that constantly spends more than they make, and is always balancing on the edge of financial ruin. He tells me that I need to lighten up (and I do), but he also needs to be a little bit better in the other direction.

I should say in the midst of all of this complaining, that I want my marriage to work, and I think that it will. I find the process of writing about it to be cathartic and I am hoping that it moves me towards resolving some of my own issues.

The Sordid Details

How the cracks formed:

We married in 2003 at the age of 24 and after 2 years of dating and an additional year of living together. My husband and I put off a family "for a couple of years" because of his schooling and very long, intense training (and we were just plain young). But, I had always told him that I wanted to be a mom before the age of 28, and preferably sooner. To this end, I worked to put him through school, and did not pursue a career that I would have loved because I have always known that I wanted to stay at home while my children were small.

The pressure started in around 2005, when I was seriously getting the "itch." My husband (I'll call him Sweets) would doggedly tell me "two more years." But was still never ready. Not even in 2007 after I started having bleeding and pain, leading to an ultrasound and finally diagnosis of adenomyosis. The diagnosis crushed me because of the implications. Highly associated with endometriosis, there was a good chance that this would affect my fertility. I beg him to start trying, and he refuses. This is a dark time in our marriage filled with much crying and fighting. I seriously consider leaving him, but don't for a multitude of reasons (which I'm sure I will get into).

In 2008, we decide to move closer to my family (for which I am SO grateful). I get a new doctor, who does not believe the diagnosis because adenomyosis is difficult to diagnose via ultrasound. She refuses my request to have the ultrasound results sent to her from previous doctor, and repeats her own ultrasound, which is clear. She is condescending and tells me to take Advil for my cramps and deal with it. Sweets decides that everything is in my head, and that there is/was nothing wrong with me.

6 months later, he's ready to start trying, and we do. As the months wear on, it becomes more and more apparent that whatever is wrong with me is probably more serious than "second doctor" has said.

I followed the typical pattern. For the first few months, I would giggle as I hit the store to buy pregnancy tests each month, and act a little dismayed when they kept turning up negative. Then, I moved on to the OPKs, found out I was ovulating different days each month (though always 12-14 days) and figured AHA! That's the problem! So we started trying a little harder, and then a little harder. Somewhere around month 7, I started to loose it, and have been crumbling away a little bit more each month.

Reasons

I am new to the infertility world, and I am SHOCKED at how few blogs focus on the relationship draining aspect of the process. So, I have decided to blog about the problems that my husband and I are having. Because of the sensitive nature of this topic, I will keep myself anonymous, and change any details that might point to my true identity.

Disclaimer: I am NOT a writer of any kind, and have not blogged before. This will certainly be a learning endeavor... I apologize in advance for improper grammer, and less than witty posts. But I'll try my hardest.